The only good thing that happened last week was that I maintained my perfect record in the “I’m Calling You Out, Soprano” oddball prediction gauntlet. Sorry, Beavermobile…maybe next year.
But since I’m never one to dwell on my shortcomings, The Shtick with the Stick presents to you my Week 12 Smack-10 Predictions with special thanks to Rick “Yukon Jack” Pennington for the new nickname.
Saturday, 15 November
USC @ UA – Who’d a thunk it…the Mildcats jumped up and bit the Fuskies in the arse down in Tuck-and-run last week in what has to be the second biggest upset of the year for the Pac-10 (with Birkenstock State beating Spoiled Condom holding the #1 spot). I sure hope they enjoyed it, cause there ain’t no way it’s gonna happen again. The Toejams will absolutely pummel the Kitties. Heck, if they put a field goal on the board against the vicious U$C defense, I’d be shocked. Coach Christmas Carol and his boys have one thing on their mind, the Sugar, and no way they leave doubt they shouldn’t be there. I just hope nobody gets hurt. USC 56 – UA 0.
ASU @ WSU – Here again, we have a call that should be a no-brainer. Wazzugly, having slapped around the Ruins, at home against a heartless Scum Devil team fresh off a spanking by The Tree is easy, right? I’m not so sure. As we’ve seen, there is at least one game every week that makes all of us say “What the????” and this could be it. I still think that the Palousy karma will carry the day, but the Debils will keep it interesting the whole game. Besides, we need two teams from the Pac to play in the BSCS travesty (it’s all about the Benjamin’s) and the Bougs are our only shot outside of Condom State. WSU 28 – ASU 24.
UW @ Cal – Big thanks to Coach Deadford for pulling a “Trent Lott” in the 4th and gift-wrapping a win for Soylent Green…you jerk. Now he and the rest of Cal State Liberal find themselves in a race against death with the roller coaster Fuskies. It’s a win-only, save-the season situation for both squads in Ssssssssssssssstrawberry Canyon and I just don’t know who’s gonna pull it out. I do, however, expect this game to change momentum from quarter-to-quarter and minute-by-minute. But, after consulting my Ouija board and Magic 8-Ball, I’ll choose the home team by a field goal. Cal 24 – UW 21.
UO @ UCLA – What a difference a week makes. The Chiquita Banana unfaithful goes from talking about how great their b-ball team will be to having pipe dreams of another Holiday Bowl appearance. It’s amazing how a comeback win can affect the psyche. This week, they fly south to take on the no-offense Ruins in Westworld. Soylent Green has owned FUCLA in recent years, especially on the road, and logic dictates that it should happen again. But the Ruins are undefeated at home this year and I think it will help push them over the top. Besides, FUCLA’s defense is darn good…they were just on the field way too much. UCLA 21 – UO 20.
On a serious note, divorce really sucks, especially when kids are involved. I always hate to see a couple that can’t work things out, even more so after 25 years of marriage. I sincerely wish both Coach and Mrs. Bellotti all the best, that their split goes smoothly and that they are both able to move forward in a positive manner for themselves and their children. Now, back to the shtick…
Stanford @ Da Beavs – What is up with the now Terrible Trees?!?! Two wins in a row that nobody, including myself, thought they had a chance in has them at 4-4 and feeling very froggy about the rest of their season. How froggy? Well, they’re guaranteeing that they’ll win 2 of their next 3 and go bowling! Good for them…will they get one tomorrow in the Salsa Bowl? Puhleeze. Thanks to that fantastic prediction, Mr. Jackson has taken it personally as I’m sure the rest of the Beavs have. Besides, no way they lay an egg on Senior Day. I expect the Boys of Bark to play inspired ball early on and may even take the lead in the 1st, but it won’t last. Look for Coach Riley to absolutely pound the ball all day long in what promises to be an absolute monsoon and our first home game in the rain in over 2 years. No blowout, but a solid win nonetheless setting us up for the Civil War next weekend down at the Landfill. Beavers 31 – Stanford 17.
So there you go. See you next time for Rivalry Week and, in the mean time, GO BEAVS!
Tony Soprano can be read every Friday. He can be reached email@example.com.