The Smack-10…who's gonna win, with a twist!

Is it just me, or have the last two weeks drawn out like a blade? After the Civil War debacle in The Landfill, I just couldn't bring myself to slap around the Scum Devils, Mildcats, Tree and Domers in two absolutely meaningless games. Of course, the turkey-induced coma I found myself in didn't help matters. Add in the third freaking bye weekend on our schedule and my fate was sealed.

A few brief comments on the CW…Losing to the Quacks always sucks, but the way our Beavs did it was rather embarrassing. Full props to Bananarama for showing up and taking care of business…we deserved what we got. Also, major kudos to the Toilet Seat loonies for the class they showed towards Harvey Whiten after he got blasted during a kick return. Nice to see that, regardless of loyalties, some things transcend the game. I may not like ya, but after that, I respect ya. But moving right along…

In case you’ve been living under a rock, the Beavs are going to be the latest road kill for the Condom State juggernaut…so says virtually everybody from the press to Beaver Nation. Heck, even one of the Beaver websites already had our final regular season record posted at 7-5!

Just look at some of the mantra being spewed forth –

It’s gonna be a blow out…we’ve got no chance…we’re 21-point underdogs…it’s just a formality…40-something to 10-something…our O-line can’t protect…Derek will be a deer caught in headlights…Jackson will be stuffed…we always suck on national TV…we haven’t won in La La Land in over 40 years…we’ll be out-coached…BLAH, BLAH, BLAH!

Only a few intriguing, ancillary questions remain:

  • Will the OSU athletic department get sued for causing Traveler to drop dead from a heart attack?
  • Will the U$C band break a record for the number of times it plays “Fight On”?
  • Will the Toejams platoon in their 3rd string to start the 3rd quarter?
  • Will ABC’s viewers demand to see a rerun of “The Bachelor” instead of the 4th quarter?
  • Will the unveiling of the Coach Christmas Carol bronze statue be covered live on ESPN?
  • Will the Beaver training staff run out of first aid supplies and have to make an emergency run to Cedar Sinai?
  • Will the film crew from “Gladiator 2” be on site auditioning Beaver players for the roles of “Christian” in the highly anticipated sequel?
  • Will the ACLU file an injunction to prevent the second half from starting, citing a “violation of civil rights”?

And maybe they’re right. After all, when you view the data, it sure looks bad for the Beavs. The Toejams have beaten their opponents by an average of 23+ points, have a crushing defense and a lightning-strike offense. They have gotten better every week and have had only one brain fart all season – a triple OT loss to Cal. They even put 9 players on the Pac-10 all-star team.

The Beavers, conversely, have been all over the place, from really good to really bad. They’re coming off a CW thrashing and have an abysmal road record, especially against ranked teams. And don’t forget that disgustingly long losing streak in the Mausoleum, with the last win coming in 19 freaking 60!

But will I join in on the T3 Judgment Day inevitability? Nope.

While I’m not so much a homer to actually call for a Beaver victory, I also don’t think it’s going to be the bloody massacre that is being posited as a mathematical absolute equal to the Pythagorean Theory. There are a few reasons for this:

  1. The Beavs have absolutely zero pressure on them in this game. Another winning record and bowl game is already secured so it hould allow them to play fast and loose.
  2. The Toejams, on the other hand, have a shot at the National Championship riding on the outcome. I think that will make them a bit tense and error prone in the early going and allow the Beavs to grab a quick, albeit small, lead.
  3. The Beaver defense is not as rough as they looked against the Quacks. Clemmons is far more mobile than Leinart and that will help us with containment issues.
  4. The Beaver offensive line is better then they looked against the ucks. They’ll step it up and give DA and SJ enough help to keep the game close.
  5. Pride…I don’t see the Beavs rolling over for anybody.

Bottom line, this will be a great game to follow. And, although we’ll have to wait too many years for our next shot at winning in South Central, the Beavs will earn some respect from everyone that watches our gritty and talented bunch go toe-to-toe with Spoiled Condom.

USC 31 – OSU 27

That’s it for this week, but I’ll be back with my annual bowl predictions. Until then, Happy Holidays and GO BEAVS!


Tony Soprano can be read every Friday during football season.  He can be reached at

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