Twisted Thoughts

Last week I went out and watched the team practice. It was very impressive. The athletic ability displayed by many of the new players is clearly evident, the enthusiasm level of the team was high, and the coaches coached extremely hard, even riding many of the players to a state of tears. I have to say it: this could be the finest collection of Beavers since Charlie's Angels- The Farrah Years.

And what's more we have the finest collection of NAMES since the Avocado administration. We've got Yvenson Weekend With Bernard at tailback. We've got Clint Giddy Up Polk in the barn. We've got Matty Tyler Moore throwing for touchdowns in between picks.

Wait, this isn't working...

First of all let me say It's all peed on that I got roped into this.

I am a mostly innocent civilian who is being bent over by the system and made to do this piecework as a form of strange and unusual punishment and it SUCKS.

All because HER HONOR The Judge didn't want to listen to me when I told her that I definitely wouldn't cut and paste from premium sites ever again. Take my word for it I told the court. But no. Since when does a man's word not count for anything in a court of law any more?

Yeah you heard that right. I got nailed for Copyright Infringement. Johnny Law. The Five O. You thought the internet police were joking? Well so did I. And then suddenly I was in court.

But long story short I didn't really get happy feet until my sleaze ball lawyer told me that he could get me roadside trash duty and I get to keep the orange jumpsuit but with a catch that litter duty is all Saturday and Sunday stuff (HELLO it seems that this penal system of ours does not recognize the traditional American weekend!).

Not me.

Nice Jumpsuit though. :-)

Anyway the court session just did not go well at all. And then when "Bobmjohansen", star witness for the co-plaintiff, a website I will call Pure-Donut.net stood up and pointed right at me and I told him to kiss my Bush loving ass it got ugly. The bailiff guy, looking suspiciously like Esera leaned over to say "you internut criminals don't do so well in the big house so you had better not get all antagonistic."

As if. As if me taking a little of this and a little of that and kerplunking it over there where the jackasses with the temerity to question my recruiting sources and without the 73 bucks to get a fricking subscription could see it. How else was I going to prove myself? What the hell good is it, YOUR HONOR for me to have this inside stuff and not be able to use it?

So then the judge got all wise with me. "Mr. Blowcheese, do you know how to write?"
Me: "Umm what?"
Her: "Your abc's. Do. You. Know. How. To. Write?"
Me: "Yeah I write crap all the time online. Why?"

Of course that came out all wrong.

Next thing I hear she is telling me that I can do 85 weekends of community service or I can write this bloody column online without fail. Every week. All original content. One missed week and it's jail time.

And it better be good she says.

Heh Heh. Fat chance.

And that's not the worst of it. As a contributing columnist to this website I am being forced to go stand on the sidelines of Beaver games as well as being made to suffer full press access to all behind the scenes Beaver football events, like having to go inside the locker rooms and interviewing coaches, the full weight of the law has come down upon me I tell you!

My parole officer even made me sign for my press badge today. I guess i need a different excuse.

And how is that going to work anyway? Your average Beaver football player is as far away from the world of crime as I am from Dan Rather. They aren't going to want to mix it up with somebody of my reputation. This can only turn out badly.

NEXT WEEK - JON BLOWCHEESE HITS THE SHOWERS


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