The Beaver Beat (September 12, 2006)

Here at the Beaver Beat, we ain't afraid of no controversy. This week we'll be doling out some daring commentary on Walt Harris, go spelunking in the Beaver Beatbox, dare a glance down the road, face some ghosts here at Oregon State and finish with the "makes you feel dangerous, but also safe" Pole of Power.

Rule #97: Play like a champion. Rule #98: When you don't, just talk louder.

HOW TO GO FROM A FIRST-TIER CONTENDER TO A THIRD-RATE PROGRAM WITH A LOSS TO A SECOND-TIER CONFERENCE POWERHOUSE

Well, it could have been worse, Beaver fans. Oregon State could have…um…give it a second. I'm sure there's some way Oregon State could've made their appearance in Boise more humiliating.

They could've debuted their brand new set of uniforms, modeled after the outfits from Tron.

They could've taken over for the cheerleaders and performed a breathtaking medley of songs from the hit Broadway musical "Chicago".

That's it. That's all I have.

This intrepid reporter has always tried to see the sunny side of things. If you don't believe that, then you can go back and read last week's Beat, when I listed all of the reasons why Boise State would be annihilated.

Turns out there was also a list of reasons BSU was to win the game. It was a short list: Mike Riley and run defense.

I am not the webmaster of firemikeriley.com, nor am I dumb enough to give up on the season already. But the coaching performance of Mike Riley in this game took my support of him down several notches.

As Beaver fans, we're used to having to come up with excuses. "Hey, at least it wasn't TWENTY-NINE years." "We didn't want Dennis Erickson anyway." "Maybe people really don't like Montgomery Gentry." Et cetera.

But there was no excuse for this performance; no short week of rest, no distracting visit down to the Bayou six days before, no star defensive end trailing an IV. What you saw here was a team outplayed and a coach outcoached.

Here's the Beaver Beat's expert analysis: Mike Riley will have to win nine games to salvage majority support for his regime. One of these wins must be a "big win" (USC, Oregon, Cal…any of the conference home games, really). The Beavers must win at Hawaii in convincing fashion. And they must win a bowl game.

Mike Riley is a feel-good story the same way a manicure is nice right before you smash your thumb with a hammer. I'm rooting for him, really. But the reality is that Mike Riley's leash just got a lot shorter and the only way to get more slack is going to be with a season that gives people hope instead of just seven wins.

IT COULD BE WORSE. WE COULD BE COACHED BY WALT HARRIS

San Jose State. UC-Davis. For most teams, teams like this represent the embodiment of a cupcake schedule. If you're a Husky fan, you might think, "Hey, we might get as many as two wins this season if we have a schedule like that!" If you're Walt Harris, it might be enough to make you go poopy-squirt.

In case you didn't know (don't worry Stanford football fans, I know you both are well aware of the Cardinal's performance), the boys on The Farm managed to deliver to their fans their annual kick to the collective junk with a loss to San Jose State.

Walt Harris is Mike Riley on crack. Not only does his team lose to all of the teams they "should", every year he also manages to fit in one loss to a team that makes the college football world go "What the hell?"

I would be in no way surprised if there was a sign in the Stanford locker room that read "Play like you're not facing Stephen F. Austin today."

The most confounding thing is that if you glance at Walt Harris' time at Stanford, it doesn't look that bad. Last year they managed to beat an 8-4 Navy team on the road, break even in conference play (even beating ASU) and play Notre Dame to within a touchdown.

Stanford is like that one girl you know who was in an really bad relationship for awhile, breaks up with the guy, does well for a few months and then "starts talking" with the guy again once or twice a month.

Come on, Walt Harris, you're a good person. You're beautiful. You are a strong, confident man and you don't need games like San Jose State to make you feel bad about yourself anymore. Look at me. LOOK AT ME. You are a good man, Walt Harris and don't let anyone ever tell you different. OK? Now let's go drop by Coldstone – I'll even pay to let you have the extra Fixin'.

OH FATHER WHO ART IN NORMAN…

We'll keep this short and mathematical.

Adrian Peterson > Jonathan Stewart > Any other athlete on Oregon's football team.

2006 Adrian Peterson > 2005 Holiday Bowl Adrian Peterson

Oregon secondary – Jackie Bates = Trouble

Oregon offense = Scary good

Oregon defense = Just scary

Adrian Peterson > Oregon defense

Nine men in the box = Prayer

Cameron Colvin = Entering his third season as one of the most overrated recruits ever.

Oklahoma > Oregon

35 > 28.

HTH.

"THE BEAVER BEAT DOES NOT CARE ABOUT RELIGIOUS PEOPLE"

Before anyone gets huffy about the Kanye parody, it's time to give a little clarity. It's time to open up the Pand…BeatBox.

Say what you will about BYU and AZ football, but derogatory slang "the Mormons" is unprofessional. There are many readers and OSU alums affiliated with the LDS faith. Cheap shots are not necessary nor helpful.

- RKH


- - - - - - -

Curtis Haley'S article today on Beaverfootball.com was a disgrace and had severly poor religious and racist overtones.

Reference to Allah and "The Mormons" in lieu of BYU was well, disgusting.

If he writes another article please cancel my subsription.

Extremely Dissapointed and ashamed for all of Beaver Nation.

- From the BF.com boards


The day before your intrepid reporter wrote his column that referred to what Wikipedia refers to as "the flagship university of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints" as "the Mormons", he was having a chat with one of his friends from Vale.

"So, what's up?" I asked.

"Not much, just getting ready to go on my mission."

"Your Mormon mission?"

"Yup, just waiting to get the paperwork back."

"Sweet, have a good time."

"Thanks."

As you can imagine, this was shortly before I denounced his faith, called him an awful human being and started a crusade to take down the entire LDS church.

Ha, showed him.

I think it's time to insert a little disclaimer. You see, folks, sometimes the Beaver Beat tries to insert "flavor" into its column to increase reader interest and enjoyment. Sometimes it's sarcasm, sometimes it's hyperbole, sometimes it's planting the tongue firmly in cheek.

In this case, TBB chose to refer to the football team of Brigham Young University as "the Mormons". If it happened to be Notre Dame, they'd be "the Catholics". Oregon is the hippies, Oregon State the sheep rustlers, Fresno the screwdriver-throwing backwater hicks. Your intrepid reporter holds no prejudice based on race, religion, creed or anything else. But he does have a sense of humor.

Before inferring prejudice, you might do well to take a breath and consider the point of the inclusion of such references.

Dude you are such a 'jellin frood! So hip and edgy. Especially the use of "Holla". You are so down. If anyone needs proof that Beavers are dorks, your article is the only evidence needed.

And what's with the "Beaver Beat" and "Pole of Power"? What would Frued say?

Your friendly Duck Fan,

- Ken


What would Freud say? He would probably ask you to spell his name correctly before you start alluding to his work.

And what can I say, Ken? Despite my attempts to be edgy, I just can't compete with this.

I would just like to let you know that your beaver team will get the %&*$ kicked out of them tomorrow night. You have a big mouth on a team that barely had a winning season last year. By the way who has the better ranking. I don't see the Beavers anywhere close.

By the way BSU secondary will crush the beavers offense. Better bring some kleenix because you will leave the stadium with your head down once again.

I hope you are sitting on the oregon st side because I am and I will be yelling out your name...look for me!

- Mister Friendly


Aww, The Beaver Beat has a friend. A slow friend, but one nonetheless.

Mister Friendly, let me help clear some things up for you:

1. I will have you know that we did NOT have a winning season last year, thank you very much.

2. I think you're coming on a little too strong for my taste. Maybe we can talk on the phone a little bit or swap emails before we meet in person. I think this may be going a little too fast for me. I'm not really ready to play "Marco Polo" with you inside Bronco Stadium. We can still be friends, though. Hope you understand. No hard feelings.

It's times like these that I wonder why I post almost every email I get. At least the people trying to sell me "natural male enhancement" seem to have my needs and feelings in mind.

POLE OF POWER

1. USC (Déjà vu – just like last season)
2. Cal (Déjà vu – they're back)
3. Oregon (Déjà vu – they did something Oregon State couldn't again)
4. UCLA (Déjà vu – still no idea how good these guys are)
5. Arizona State (Déjà vu – I still hate you)
6. Washington State (Déjà vu – you beat Idaho again)
7. Arizona (Déjà vu – blown out again)
8. Oregon State (Déjà vu – "Oh no, we suck again!")

(The Beaver Beat is in no way affiliated with the NCAA, Pac-10 conference, Oregon State University, BF.com, Curtis Haley or any of his associated brain cells.

Why do you hate TBB this week? thebeaverbeat@beaverfootball.com wants to know)

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