The Beaver Beat (November 14, 2006)

Well, fellow Republicans, we had a bad week. Despite their best efforts, The Fuhrer and Turd Blossom just couldn't overcome all of the lying of the Democrats and their radical hippie petiole hypnotism machine has now claimed the House and Senate. And that was before Oregon State completely wrecked their season, football team and civilization as a whole in Pasadena. Pray harder, America.

Well, fellow Republicans, we had a bad week. Despite their best efforts, The Fuhrer and Turd Blossom just couldn't overcome all of the lying of the Democrats (and there was a LOT of lying) and their radical hippie petiole hypnotism machine has now claimed the House and Senate.

And that was before Oregon State completely wrecked their season, football team and civilization as a whole in Pasadena. Please pray for America.

This week's edition of The Beaver Beat is brought to you by Zoloft…sweet, merciful Zoloft.


I used to be an Oregon State football fan. You know, I paid for my seat, went to the games and waited for my investment to start paying dividends. Like wins. But, you know, every week. And by a satisfying margin. And hopefully not without too many turnovers. I hate turnovers.

This one season, I was really happy. Oregon State managed to beat almost every team on their schedule, including Notre Dame! One time I called Notre Dame the Catholics. I don't do that any more after Webmaster Dan put me in that closet for a week. Now I respect Notre Dame's diversity!

Anyway, that one year, everything was really good. If I remember correctly, the Pac-10 was the best it has ever been that year. USC went 5-7, California was 3-8 and UCLA was 6-6! That's how good everyone else was! My investment paid off very nicely. I expected every season after that one to be exactly the same. I am a good investor.

Then we hired that loser, Mike Riley. Or should I say "Mike Loserly". I am also a good comedian.

Mike Loserly has never won ten or eleven games in a season. He is not respecting my investment! This makes me yell! Ticket prices went up last year, which means that I should be getting even more wins than before, not less! Dennis Erickson would have won 15 games at Oregon State this season if he was still around!

Anyway, then we went down to UCLA and completely made fools of ourselves in Pasadena! Can you believe it, we lost the football game! There is absolutely no excuse for this unprecedented event! Needless to say, I called Fox Sports and Comcast and demanded my refund. When they told me the game was free, I was angry! I had invested three whole hours to Mike Loserly and they were not respecting that investment! I could've made almost $25 if I wouldn't have asked for the day off at Arby's! I kicked my dog extra hard in anger! Damn you Mike Loserly!

This kind of performance is unacceptable for a football team that I give my hard earned money. I made an investment! And as the only supporter of either team to claim that distinction, there are certain things I am owed.

These are my conditions for happiness. Please take your time writing these down, Mike Loserly and Bob De Loserlis, as you owe me big after last weekend:

*Oregon State needs to win every game for the rest of the season by at least three touchdowns.

*Oregon State must never turn the ball over again

*Oregon State shall injure no less than three opposing players per game. Anything less is tantamount to lack of heart. I do not pay for lack of heart!

*Oregon State shall rename their stadium "Intrepid Reporter Stadium" in light of my unmatched generosity in investing in the team

*Spirit hugs

I will not take mediocrity from one of my investments. One time I bought an iron at Wal-Mart. It said it would iron really well. Well, it did iron pretty well. Especially compared to my last iron, which was just a rock that I put out in the sun until it got warm enough to rub on my clothes. But it didn't change my life! My girlfriend still said I had bad breath and I could never get a killtacular on Halo! Needless to say, I returned that stupid iron. If one of my investments can't meet my high expectations, I say "Good day, sir!"


The Democrats weren't the only ones trying to destroy America this week. Right alongside Nancy Pelosi, Harry Reid and Osama bin Laden were the Oregon State Beavers, who managed to completely destroy their extremely likely Rose Bowl chances!

Going into Saturday, Oregon State was looking good, tied for third in the Pac-10 behind Cal and USC. But because of their bumbling incompetence, their season is now wrecked, and the best they can do is now third in the Pac-10. Pretty mediocre if you ask me!

Some people want to tell you that Oregon State controls their own destiny in the Pac-10. These "liberals" will tell you that if OSU beats Stanford and Oregon (both games which OSU should enter favored), they will win third in the Pac-10 and probably go to the Sun Bowl. For a team that entered the season predicted to finish anywhere from 7th to 10th in conference, this is unacceptable! Dennis Erickson would have the Beavers playing in the Super Bowl this year if Bob De Carolis hadn't had scared him off with his hippy ways.

It's a shame, the Rose Bowl was looking so likely.


To take off the Irony Cap for a second, Saturday was nowhere near the darkest day in Oregon State football history.

Yes, it was extremely disappointing. Yes, Matt Moore looked like (as BeaverFuzz on the boards pointed out) September Matt instead of October Matt. Yes, there were fumbles, yes there were injuries, yes it was a loss.

And…it's over.

When the dust settled, this loss was more reminiscent of Washington State than Cal or Boise State. Oregon State wasn't necessarily outplayed so much as out-oomphed. Five or six plays defined that football game. The three Matt Moore fumbles, most of which happened when Matt tried to put the team on his shoulders. The Clinton Polk fumble. The fourth down attempt at midfield that got shut down in the third quarter. The ensuing touchdown.

Yeah, I know, all games can come down to a few bad plays. But just like a win over Idaho shouldn't get you too excited, a loss against UCLA in Pasadena shouldn't have you selling your Civil War tickets. At least we were in the game.

Here's some food for thought: By the time Saturday rolls around, it will be ALMOST A MONTH without Matt Moore throwing an interception. Two challenges for Beat readers: Name any other Pac-10 quarterback that hasn't thrown a pick in that amount of time, and name the last time Oregon State had a quarterback go that long between picks.

Oregon State is tired. Injuries are lingering around and stacking up. Almost every unit has had their depth depleted in the past month. The fact that Oregon State was playing for its fifth straight conference win was amazing, but a win with the current depth chart would've been monumental. It would be like winning the Indy 500 running on fumes for the last twenty laps.

So they lost. So did everyone else, minus USC, which is probably good news for the Pac-10 (and Oregon State). Bowl standings are still looking stable, and the teams that are peaking (including Arizona) are in the rearview mirror. I would rather be Oregon State right now than Oregon.

So take it easy, Beaver players. Watch some film. Know your gameplan and execute. Even with a win over Washington, Stanford is still the college football equivalent of the Tampa Bay Devil Rays. Put three quick touchdowns on the board and let the reserves get their time on the field. Rest up. Take a bath. Read some of the comments that Mike Bellotti has been doling out after losses against USC and Washington State and decide just how bad you want to make sure he has no excuses after the Civil War.

It'll do us all some good.


Contrary to last week's rhetoric, anything we can do, you can't, in fact, do better. Enjoy your quarterback controversy.


Last week I asked when the last time a backup quarterback beat Oregon State. Of course, I jinxed the team, since that's exactly what happened on Saturday, but here's the reply I received in any case:

Tuitama getting his first career start last year should qualify. Of course the 7 MM turnovers did help.

Love your stuff, keep it up.

I'm loathe to deem Willie Tuitama a true backup, since he was easily the most talented quarterback on Arizona's team last year, but point taken.

The parallels between that game and UCLA this year are worth noting. Bowl aspirations pinned on the game. An inferior opponent with a new quarterback. Matt Moore turnovers playing a huge role in the loss. The general feeling that the other team didn't so much "win" as Oregon State "lost".

Oregon State doesn't like coaching or talent, it lacks consistency. We'll lose a game or two every year to teams that generally have better horses, but will only truly see great teams when we manage to not fall apart in games like this.

And by "we", I mean the players and coaches of OSU. But hey, I'm a fan, so I have an important investment, right?


1. USC (All is right in the world again)
2. Cal (Probably a better team, but more neuroses than the Trojans)
3. Oregon State (Every other loser looked much worse last weekend)
4. Arizona (Is there a scarier team in the conference right now?)
5. Oregon (Why when I watch this team play offense do I think of dry spaghetti?)
6. Arizona State (Does anyone really care anymore?)
7. UCLA (Still the definition of "meh" and the Pac-10 equivalent of Rodney Dangerfield)
8. Washington State (Coug'd it! Alex Brink for Heisman!)
9. Stanford (Too bad, a matchup with Jesuit was looking pretty good)
10. Washington (Broke the space-time continuum by actually losing to Stanford. High five!)

(The Beaver Beat is a registered trademark of the Communist Party. That is all.

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