The Beaver Beat (November 29, 2006)

Well, that was fun. It wasn't quite a three touchdown rout, it wasn't quite as pretty as anyone would've liked, but Oregon State did emerge from the 110th Civil War with a victory under its collective belt. In related news, Oregon still found a way to be insufferable.

You can count your intrepid reporter as a new convert into the "Civil War can be unpredictable in any given year" camp from henceforth. Oregon came out swinging and nearly took down the Beavers.


Jonathan Stewart managed to play through the pain of a stubbed toe suffered while he was pouring his cereal for breakfast to show that, when he wants to, he can be an extremely effective weapon. He was even rewarded with second team all-conference honors, which is a little like a stock car finishing second on fumes in a boxcar derby. Kudos to him.

Meanwhile, Brady Leaf showed why he's the best quarterback to ever be saddled with an offense he has no business running. It's a shame (for the Ducks that is) that Leaf isn't a few years older, since he would fit right in with the Ducks' old pro-style offense. But hey, the high-powered spread offense looked pretty intimidating with its four-yard passes punctuated by thirty-yard lobs to the tallest and fastest guy on the team.

And on that note, kudos are also in store for Jordan Kent, who, in a receiving corps filled with guys with more star power than pre-Oprah Tom Cruise, emerged as the only one among them who actually knew what to do in a football game. Cheers.


Apparently, there were a lot of misconceptions following Oregon State's victory in the Civil War on Friday. The first was that Oregon State won the football game. The second was that it established them as a good (and the better) football team.

Mike Bellotti was, of course, in the house to set the record straight. With chestnuts like "In my mind, this team won" and the Koetter-esque "It's funny that Oregon State is happy with their season and we're unhappy with ours – it really shows that our programs are at different levels", how could the liberal media get the simple message wrong? It doesn't matter how many football games Oregon wins – they're better because they're OREGON.

Now, granted, the quotes themselves may not be exact. I wasn't at home to watch the latter comment, which apparently came from Bellotti in the FSN post-game interview, opting instead to strip naked and celebrate in the streets of Corvallis (SIDE NOTE: My apologies to any sheep owners in the Corvallis "metro" area). But the gist is there.

But as several people have pointed out, the difference between the five programs through the last five years…uh, doesn't exist. Oregon has won just three more games overall since the 2002 season. They've won only one more conference game. And…well, that's where the supremacy ends.

Bowl games? Four each (including this season). Bowl records? Well, OSU's won two bowl games while Oregon looked VERY strong in their Holiday Bowl loss (and all of the other losses).

Head-to-head, Civil Wars have split going back to 1997. Seems the "elite" teams would somehow maybe possibly beat their in-state rival more than once every two weeks.

The Beaver Beat would like to congratulate Mr. Bellotti on his amazing achievements in the past five years. For example, did you know that the Oregon Ducks singlehandedly killed the Seattle Bowl? I really hated that bowl.

However, Bellotti also killed Roboduck. That makes me sad.

In the words of Austin Powers: "That's…about…it."

Well, at least there's always basketball season.


Little known fact about Hawaii's football team: Everytime Colt Brennan throws another touchdown, an idiot makes his first post on the Warrior message board. Or, judging from the sudden dip in average IQ on the boards, the number might be ten idiots. Maybe twenty. Depends on if the team loses on Sunday.

It's not that there AREN'T quality Hawaii fans. They just seem to be very good at hiding.

Things we've learned this week on the boards:

1. Timmy Chang is dead. Long live Timmy Chang!

2. But he's been reincarnated into Colt Brennan! Only new and improved, like the Six Million Dollar Man! Except for, like, the Eight Hundred Infinity Bajillion Dollar Man!

3. Synchronized Dance is a requisite course at the University of Hawaii.

4. This is very scary and intimidating and not weird at all. Are you scared yet?

5. You can prove anything if you say it enough times and then play the victim when someone tries to call you on the fact that you're making stuff up.

6. If you have ever visited Hawaii, you may already be a traitor. This applies if you work in, live in, or have ever visited or read about any place that is not Hawaii. If you have breathed Hawaiian air and brought it back in your lungs to the mainland, you are a scab. Please report to Room 206 in Kailua Hall at the University of Hawaii immediately for your mandatory synchronized dance scolding.

7. Yeah, that's right, Rule Number Seven.

8. You arrogant jerk, stop saying that you expect to win! Pompous BCS jerk!

9. You friggin loser, stop saying that you expect to lose! Wussy BCS loser!

10. Hawaii has already clinched its berth in the BCS Championship game by virtue of being better than Ohio State, USC and the 1972 Miami Dolphins.

11. Even if you're not good enough to win a non-BCS conference, you still can call yourself the best team in the country.

12. If you think that playing in Hawaii is in any way more difficult than playing somewhere else based solely on location, you are a poor sport loser.

13. By the way, Hawaii can beat any team so long as they play at Hawaii.

14. Boise State is overrated. You know, except that week they beat Oregon State. But other than that, SO overrated.

15. If it happens anywhere east of Russia, north of Australia, south of Alaska and west of the mainland United States, Hawaii can legitimately lay claim to it being part of its heritage and culture.

16. When Chuck Norris goes to sleep, he checks under his bed for Colt Brennan.

17. Chuck Norris wears Colt Brennan underwear.

18. Colt Brennan doesn't need to win the Heisman, because he has already won the Timmy Chang Golden Pineapple, given to the greatest athlete in the history of sports. Twice.

If you have any questions about these rules, please ask (almost) any visiting Hawaii fan. They will be more than happy to fill you in. Actually, you don't even need to ask. They're just that nice!

Your intrepid reporter's prediction? Matt Moore will pick apart the Hawaii secondary. Sammie Stroughter will go crazy on Saturday, breaking the NCAA record for touchdowns. The season record. The defense will allow 9000 passing yards to Hawaii. Oregon State will win by a safety.

Hey, after last week, what do you expect?


Though we'll be giving out awards galore next week in this column, the following five people deserve some Ali G "ri-spet" for their play against the Ducks on Friday:

MATT MOORE: You know I never lost faith.

RUBEN JACKSON: After all of the academic problems, being injured and being buried in the depth chart, you took advantage of Anthony Wheat-Brown's absence by accounting for over 100 yards of total offense. Oh, and that long catch in the second half after Oregon scored? Ocho Cinco material right there.

GERARD LAWSON: You get the first-team all-Beaver Beat recognition for being an absolute freak on special teams. You still probably can't defend a pass to save your life, but then again, fake punts are pretty rare anyway.

DERRICK DOGGETT: A pick-six in a two-point victory? Ian Johnson, who?

PAUL MARTINEZ: We couldn't have done it without you, buddy.


1. USC (Wooooo…big surprise)
2. OSU (Finished stronger than the Golden Bears. And I hate Tedford)
3. Cal (Thanks again for screwing OSU out of the Holiday Bowl with that Arizona game. Kudos.)
4. UCLA (Yawn.)
5. Oregon (Bellotti for AD and Martinez for President! Way to save face, guys)
6. ASU (Now who will be the target of my secret man-crush?)
7. Arizona (Oh yeah, THAT'S why everyone thinks Stoops can't get it done in the desert)
8. Washington and Washington State (You suck.)
10. Stanford (TBB's preseason favorite to win the conference. In 2068.)

(The Beaver Beat is posted late every week.

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