The Wiseguy: Week 1

THE WISEGUY is back. What led to his long sabbatical? Who cares. What brought him back to the mother ship? The prevailing wisdom around BF.C World Headquarters is that news of Jim Harbaugh's shiny new $80,000 crapper was too much for him to remain silent. And so away we go, with the new and improved Wiseguy Weekly! Okay fine, it's just new.

No. 16 Oregon @ No. 14 Boise State (Thursday night)

The No. 9 and No. 11 most overrated teams in the nation face off on the smurf turf in Boise. New Quacker coach Chip Kelly opens the season with a tough assignment -- the Broncos are 64-2 at home since 1999. Urban myths of birds crashing onto the turf will prove to be true. But the big question -- what will the Quackers wear? Black and Silver, which aren't the school colors? Or maybe they will crack out those mustard yellow pants all the rage among women school bus drivers. Hey, the kids like the unis, isn't that what they keep telling us? Forget about LeGarrette Blount and his sleeper Heisman Run, the Broncos will be putting that to sleep. Don't worry though, Quacker fans will find some way to explain the loss away and make it sound like they actually won.

Pick: BOISE STATE

 

Portland State @ No. 25 Oregon State

Neil Lomax' alma mater is coming to town to face son Jack. Okay, he's a true frosh but to be honest OSU could start Jack and run the wishbone and they'd still win this game. Nice tune-up for the Beavs to work out the kinks and start the year with some confidence. Jerry Glanville's high flying offense should at least bring some entertainment into town and they may just keep our buts in our seats till early in the third quarter. Honestly though, vanilla ice cream really is kind of plain. Riley will add the Oreo cookie into the mix the next week at UNLV.

Pick: OREGON STATE

 

San Jose State @ No. 4 USC

The only question in this game is how big of a slaughter will it be? Freshman quarterback Matt Barkley will make his first career start and that will provide some small measure of intrigue. Some say the Toejams are down this year, but I'm not buying that story till I see them lose a game. They will get tested soon enough on the road when they travel to play Ohio State.

Pick: USC

 

San Diego State @ UCLA

Slick "Rick" Neuheisel and the powder blue Bruins look to rebound from a rough season last year. This is a great warm-up game for them and we will all find out if they are this years Pac-10 sleeper or are just going to put us to sleep. SDSU doesn't have to travel far, but Marshall Faulk left a long time ago. Faghet about it, Diego!

Pick: UCLA

 

Stanford @ Washington State

This is the lone conference game this week. It's hard to believe how far the Cougs have fallen. Stanford returns 17 starters and is shooting for its first bowl game since 2001. And Jim Harbaugh has a brand new, more convenient place to shower and urinate, that's good for seven points a game right there. The game is in Pullman, but the cold hasn't hit the town yet and all the drunken college students might not yet be in town yet either, so the Cardinal gets by in a squeaker.

Pick: STANFORD

 

Central Michigan @ Arizona

Where the hell is Central Michigan anyways? The heat alone will be too much for the Chippewas. Bob Stoops seems to win just enough games every year to avoid getting fired, god bless the little Barney Rubble look-a-like. I don't see any upsets in the Pac-10 this week and we are not starting with this one.

Pick: ARIZONA

 

Maryland @ No. 12 California

Cal is the fashionable "cool" pick to win the Pac-10 this year. Led by Heisman trophy hopeful Jahvid Best they look to avenge last year's loss to Maryland. Best is a beast, he ran for a school record 8.1 yards a carry last year. Former Beaverton Beaver Kevin Riley will start at quarterback for the Bears. Watch Cal come out firing and crush the Terrapins but fear not, an end of the year slide for them again is almost inevitable.

Pick: CALIFORNIA

 

Idaho State @ Arizona State

Sun Devil coach Dennis Erickson has never had back to back losing seasons, but watch this year be his first. He just suspended five of his players and they're not as strong as in years past. This is a great spot for an upset pick -- if Idaho State didn't suck so badly. Plus, the game is in Arizona. This game is going to be like watching paint dry. Or, to put it in Denny's terms, watching gin dry.

Pick: ARIZONA STATE

 

No. 11 LSU @ Washington

The Huskies are coming off an 0-12 season, never done before in the Pac-10. But they do have Jake "Jesus" Locker back at quarterback. Jake, use the hook slide this time! All Locker talk aside, LSU is down, on the road, and UW should be improved. This won't be as big of a blowout as some would suspect. The little poodles hang around till late in the third quarter, and end up losing by "only" three touchdowns. Woof. Or is it Meow. Whatever.

Pick: LSU

The Wiseguy is predicting no upsets in the Pac-10 this week. Boom goes the dynamite! HEAT! BLEED IT! Comments? He can be reached at beavableeda@beaverfootball.com.


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