We lit a couple of old tires on fire in hopes of conjuring the spirit of Chief War Duck and stirred the crockpot that was full to the brim with a concoction of hot sangrita and clam juice and many floating Vienna Sausages. It was football Saturday and we were going to live like kings.
Zoomer finished tarping the large screen TV and couch and clapped his hands together to get the circulation going again and said, "Ducky, I've got this strange feeling like a Dennis Hopper movie...weird things man, weird things."
"Whaddya mean Zoom? I asked as I munched on a smoked oyster and Christmas M & M cookie that his wife Yvonne had made knowing how much we cherished them, "weird as in Stublers defensive schemes or weird as in The Tree's of Mystery?"
Suddenly the hair on the back of our necks stood out from the static electricity in the air as Chief War Duck descended from the heavens adorned in a knockoff pair of Mike Bellotti Signature sunglasses, Jim Haney era basketball shorts that looked like hotpants on his feathered butt and a lemon and green teeshirt scripted with Keseys "We're rootin' for em' and shootin' for em'. As he pulled in his massive wings and folded them in, he proclaimed "Ladies, let the festivities to begin. May I summarize Zoomer in that today will be a rollercoaster for us. Hey, I brought some Marachino clam dip and apple chips where should I put'em?"
We settled in for a long day of football, just the three of us. The hot spiced red wine went to our heads and had us beebling with delight as the Cowboys punked the Sooners. Even Chief War Duck told us he wasn't allowed the privvy information from the Boys Upstairs because of conflicting interest. As the chill of a cold damp evening started to descend, we huddled close to the warmth of the burning tires and their intoxicating perfume. We watched John Saunders on ABC give the pre-game invocation of the upcoming Miami-Husky game realizing the implications of a Husky win could put us one step closer to the Promised Land.
"You know, rooting for the Huskies to win is like hoping that the gangrene you have in your little toe will spread to the others resulting in the amputation of your foot." Zoomer observed as he nibbled on one of the Vienna Sausages he'd fished from the crockpot.
"Interesting observation Z," I said, "ergo you'd give your left foot to win the National Championship. How zen like."
Chief War Duck was munching on a cold oats and suet burrito as he mumbled "what if the gangrene set in your left nut?" We sat for several minutes in total silence pondering the ramifications of how bad we wanted the Dawgs to win. Zoomer pondered what he would tell Yvonne if it came down to such a drastic situation.
As the dark night engulfed us, Bob Griese nasueated us with the beautiful weather in Miami while Rick's Purple Pack nauseated us with their performance on the Orange Bowl grass. While Ernie's Gang consoled us with a rousing performance, we were all left with the feeling of emptiness yet knowing full well how horrible our brothers to the north must feel after such a heartbreaking defeat. Chief War Duck, Zoomer and I came to the conclusion that it was our responsibility to help console the Seattle Legions and help them overcome their grief even though Larry Triplett, in his own incredibly stupid arrogance and lack of intelligence proclaimed he would root for the Beavers to beat our beloved Ducks so that the Huskies could go to the Fiesta Bowl even though it was mathematically impossible. So, we huddled together and came up with a list of phrases and comments that could best help those Huskies in troubled times to ease their discomfort. As CWD flew ! off into the first hint of Sunday morning light, Zoomer and I crawled down the fire escape with the still resounding words of Chief War Ducks last words...."EASE THEIR PAIN." We glanced up and down 13th but saw no sign of Kevin Costner. So as we bid adieu, Zoomer informed me to divulge some of these Hallmarkian phrases to you on Goducks and spread them to those faithful Husky fans in their hour of need. Please won't you help. Pick up the phone and utter these soothing words to salve their wounds.
1. "You sure gave them a run for their money!"
2. "When you closed to 44-7, I was sure you were going to make one of those patented Husky comebacks!"
3."To have been outscored by 120 points for the year and still be 8-3 really says something!" 4. "When you were driving and only down 51-7 I really thought you were turning things around before the sixth turnover."
5."That was a great first drive to open the game!"
6."It's great that John Reid, your paid Holiday Bowl executive, gave you the PAC 10 Runner-up Bowl even though you finished fourth in the conference. It pays to have friends in high up places.
7."When you trailed narrowly by 58-7 I still thought you had and excellent shot to come back."
8."You're a much better team than Miami because you observe the proper rules of etiquette and they don't. For example, "It is better to give than receive." Why you Huskies gave and gave and gave and gave ............."
9."When it was 65-7 and you were in their Red Zone I thought "Oh boy, if the Dawgs can get one here it'll really look respectable!"
10. Did you hear the one about Little Slick Rick getting sentenced to prison for tax evasion and so he goes into this dark prison cell and hears this mean ol' voice call from the back of the prison cell....."You wanna be the mommy or the daddy?" So Rick looks back and sees its Larry Coker!