5 Reasons to avoid Clemson

Please note that this article is satire. I have every respect for Clemson as an academic institution, although I do hate them as an athletic team. This article is written in good fun and the spirit of rivalry that exists between the two teams. It is not serious, and shouldn't be taken as a slight on anyone.

Every Gamecock fan knows to hate the Tigers. It’s in our DNA. In honor of the 5 game win streak the Cocks hold against the Tigers, here are the Top 5 reasons you should hate them even more.

1. The Smell. Good night, the smell. Situated in a scenic cow pasture in the far reaches of South Carolina, the smell around Clemson can be downright putrid at times. The mix of cow poop, ACC football, and the raw sewage that constantly pumps directly out of Dabo Swinney’s mouth makes Clemson one of the most disgusting places man has ever set foot. When asking a Clemson graduate about the smell, the most likely response is, “What smell?” and a befuddled look. The only reason they don’t notice the smell is because their nose is stuck up the posterior of Danny Ford.

2. The Colors. The Clemson football colors are like the smell of the place as a visualization. I asked once why the university picked those colors. Among the absolute dribble I got in terms of answers, the only one that wasn’t full of Frank Howard references and gibberish was something about the beautiful colors of the sunset. If Clemson’s all-purple uniform resembles the sunset, then I most likely resemble Brad Pitt, and I should immediately take up acting and marry Angie. Orange is the color most linked with deceit and distrust; you never hear a cute girl saying, “Oh my, that little orange dress is perfect for cocktail parties!”

3. The Location. Some realtor may still be laughing and rolling in his/her grave after getting the state of South Carolina to use that piece of land. Every major historical school in South Carolina can be defined by its location: South Carolina, centrally located, on the top of a bluff, acting as a beacon of light and education for the state; The Citadel, located at the mouth of the state in Charleston, protecting the state’s vitality; even Furman is located in Greenville to spread the balance of education in the South and promulgate success throughout the region. But Clemson is located in the corner of the state, away from everything and everyone, and in the middle of a cow pasture (see my first reason for not attending). That should tell you everything you need to know about the “Pickens County Cow Pasture of Higher Education”.

4. The “Tradition”. I mean, come on. The stupid rock isn’t even from South Carolina. It’s not from the South. And even some Clemson fan went and broke the stupid thing, just like Dabo broke Clemson’s stupid dreams. It has no bearing on the football team, really, except it came from Death Valley, and the PC coach nicknamed the stadium that…but come on. And running down a hill before the game? Do you want your players to get hurt? Seems like a good way to roll some ankles or get trampled on to me. And a founding member of the ACC? The Almost Counts Conference?! You’re proud of that?!?! And don’t even get me started on IPTAY stickers…

5. Dabo Swinney’s wardrobe. It astounds me that a state school actually pays this coach and lets him walk around like a terrible tacky Christmas sweater party. Charlie Weiss dresses better than Dabo Swinney on the sideline, and although Dabo maintains a better figure, Weiss actually does some coaching. If I were at Clemson, I would put together a fund to buy Dabo some decent attire, and appoint some fashion student (if such a thing exists at Clemson) to follow him around. You are a “college” coach, get it together!

Carolina and Clemson play this Saturday at the Pickens County Cow Pasture of Higher Education Stadium. Tickets can be purchased by calling “Clemson Tom” and declaring your undying allegiance to the Dark Side. The game kicks off at noon.

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