The Dirty Dozen: the Chipocrit Kelly edition

Tree Boy is back, and he's whipping around the new and expanded West Coast Conference (no, not that West Coast Conference) to survey the scene. From the Vontazmanian Devil to Andrew Luck's facial hair to, yes, Chipocrit Kelly, here's your guilty pleasure read of the week.

Stanford

A BCS beatdown, a ten-game winning streak, the Heisman frontrunner and a stingy defense. The pollsters may not be sold on this new era of Cardinal football, but the media seems to think Stanford sells. Feature pieces in major outlets, websites dedicated just to Andrew Luck's facial hair and designer uniforms have become the norm, and opponents are jealous of Stanford's very own blog on ESPN. While many have viewed the first two games as an extended Fall Ball, the first conference road game should answer some lingering questions that are keeping Cardinalmaniacs awake at night.

Oregon

Even after they got back to business with a flash thrashing of a Kaepernick-less Wolfpack team, tub toy fans are still reeling from a hazy offseason and disappointing opener that shows they are still not ready for prime time. LmJ appears to be a step slower after adding some munchie weight for his junior year and Chipocrit Kelly is growing tired of fielding questions about Cliff Harris and the "Council of Spliffs." Winning Charlie Sheen style is still winning though, and as long as they remain eligible and unsanctioned, Oreg-ano remains a lethal opponent.

Arizona

If I didn't know any better, I would swear Mike Stoops was preparing his staff for the Arena League with his flag-football offense. It's not often you get a chance for immediate redemption following a bowl game, but ‘Zona had just that when they travelled to Stillwater for a rematch with future brothers Okie St. No Criner and no running game meant no chance as the kittens went down with hardly a meow. Constrained by a green O-line and an empty backfield, one wonders what will give out first: Nick Foles' arm or his bum knee?

Utah

Ute fans have been clamoring to prove they can make it through a season in a BCS conference just as well as they did in the Mountain West. Already in last place with their starting QB nursing a shoulder that won't let him throw more than 20 yards downfield, Coach Wittingham has a long way to go if he wants to compete for the inaugural Pac-12 South Championship. The loss to $C was especially painful for offensive coordinator Norm Chow, who really wanted to stick it to his former employer. He has two months to prepare for his other former employer, as UCLA comes to town November 12.

Colorado

Pegged as the team most likely supplant Washington State in the cellar, CU came out with a buffalo-sized chip on their shoulder in their home opener against the weenies. You may recall them getting run off the field in last year's meeting to the tune of 52-7, but this time around they took kal to overtime before finally succumbing to defeat. On the one hand, it didn't count as a conference game, so they are still undefeated in that respect. On the other hand, they missed a golden opportunity to bolster their bowl prospects. Special recognition to wideout Paul Richardson with his eye-popping 11 grabs for 284 yards!

Arizona State

Despite the barrage of injuries and defections that ASU suffered through this summer, they have started the season 2-0, and only half-collapsing in the Mizzou game shows some improvement over last year. Brock Osweiler has emerged as a dark-horse candidate for Pac 12 POY, and the Vontazmanian Devil has behaved himself so far, racking up four sacks without the accompanying personal fouls. If they really want to prove to the nation that the old days of pitchforking themselves are over, they won't stumble in Champaign against the Illini this weekend.

Washington

Owners of an inconspicuous six-game winning streak and largely overshadowed by the hot start of their rival, the Dawgs think they have found the heir apparent to the legendary Locker in Keith Price. Tempering of the enthusiasm has come by way of a pass defense that was shredded by an FCS team in week one and again by Hawaii in week two. Luckily their next opponent, Nebraska (who must be wondering if they are actually in the Pac 12 and not the B1G by virtue of this being the third meeting with UW in less than a year) looks to run the ball first.

USC

Before this season began, it was becoming fashionable for some coaches to impose a Twitter gag on their players. Kiffin has not done so yet, but I bet he wishes he would have made it clear that no one should be airing out dirty laundry to the TMZ crew. Even with the usual buffoonery, $C has escaped their first two games unscathed thanks to timely defensive plays and some scrub named Woods. Rumor has it that Matt Barkley led the charge onto the field during the blocked kick return to ensure his Utah bet remained a winner.

Oregon State

Beaver Believers are having a crisis of faith in the man they recently awarded a lifetime contract. Being blanked in Madison is tough enough to handle without having it come on the heels of losing to Sacramento State at home. Throw in a bona fide quarterback controversy that seemingly came out of nowhere, and you have the makings of season that will give Larry Scott a reason to exclude Corvallis from realignment plans. Hosting UCLA after an early bye week provides a glimmer of hope that they can notch a mark in the win column.

Washington State

Make way for the new juggernaut in college football! That's right folks, Wazzu is the proud owner of the No. 1 offense in the FBS after demolishing the likes of Idaho St. and UNLV. We all expected them to be improved after a strong second half to end last season, but after their star QB went down with a broken clavicle so early in the opener, you would be hard-pressed cider to find anyone who predicted Marshall Lobbestael would step in and not miss a beat. Even with the hot start, the Cougs are 9.5-point dogs to the Aztecs from Sandy Eggo. Will the dream season continue for at least another week?

UCLA

"I can't be the only one who cares!" These inspiring words from Neuweasel are still reverberating across the Bruin practice fields after he walked off in disgust days before their epic showdown with Sannizay. The lackluster effort from the team suggests they don't care, and judging by the steady decline in attendance, I would say the fans don't seem to care either. A victory over Texas last year might have saved Ricky's job, but this time around it might not be enough as the ones who do care are expecting a bowl win.

kal

Jerkeley fans were so caught up in the euphoria of having a quarterback who could throw a forward pass that they didn't notice the holes in their defense from last year are still there. Surrendering 582 yards to the same team the weenies held under 200 last time has to wave gigantic red flags that even myopic fans can't ignore. Not to be outdone in the choke department, Italian divot machine Giorgio Tavecchio has missed three extra points already. None of these issues should prevent kal from dropping the hammer on Presbyterian College, who comes to us from South Carolina, in case you were wondering.


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