Dirty Dozen: the Coke and Meth Edition

Our mothers once told us we were funny. Bad move, Mom. We never looked back and here we are now, whipping around college football's wild west in this week's Dirty Dozen.

Arizona – 17-of-17. Was that Nick Foles' starting line against your mighty Cardinal, or the boob job rate in a Tuscon sorority house? Appropriately enough, Foles' performance sagged as the clock wound down, and Arizona's quarterback-in-chief left Tuscon with dreams and hopes shattered, much like his fellow co-eds when Snooky got punched in the face in season two of Jersey Shore. Now, Foles and the Wildcats hope it's tee-shirt time as they look to rally next week against Oregon. We'll be rooting for ya, Wildcats. I suspect you might need it.

Arizona State – You lost to Illinois. Illinois. I have nothing to add.

California – If Notre Dame/Miami was Catholics vs. Convicts, what would Cal/Presbyterian be? Pray tell. Hey, maybe Nietzsche was right after all, as the Bears cut down the Blue Hose (yes, that's actually their nickname, not a joke) in a brutal 63-12 takedown that reminded local observers of the native sequoias or evergreens or who knows what being mercilessly chopped down to make way for the new stadium.

Colorado and Utah – Utah won 54-10 over BYU, on the strength of seven forced turnovers. Colorado too beat their in-state little brother, downing the Rams of Fort Collins 28-14. In all seriousness, I have to hand it to the Pac-12 newcomers. While The league looks like crap this year, the Utes and the Buffali both won this week, which is more than quite a few of their brethren can say. The duo also pushed USC and Cal, respectively, to the brink. Alas, should Texas and Oklahoma join their Western neighbors, I suspect the next batch Pac-16 newcomers will enjoy even greater success. Ooh, ooh, speaking of, I'm trying to pick between division names for our new Plains-to-West Coast conference. Grapes and Wrath? Manifest and Destiny? Tea, Party and Tea, Organic? Or, how about my personal favorite, Coke and Meth? Just trying to keep up with Leaders and Legends here.

Oregon – The NCAA investigated Ohio State, and now the Buckeyes are out of the Top 25 for the first time in seven years. The NCAA investigated USC, and the Trojans went from perennial 12-win seasons to two-point victories over Minnesota. The NCAA is going to investigate Miami, and the Hurricanes lost their season opener to Maryland, which we remind you is a state best known for crab cakes. (Plus, the Hurricanes are still stuck with Jacory Harris at quarterback.) So Ducks, congrats, you beat Missouri State 56-7 last week. Enjoy it while it lasts.

Oregon State – You didn't play last week. Just as well. There's enough ugly in the world as is.

StanfordStepfan Taylor ran for 153, Andrew Luck threw for 325 and Stanford won by 27, all while the Cardinal played a night road game without their defensive MVP. Oh, and the squad is the first to admit they didn't play within a mile of their potential. Hope y'all like Cajun food, Cardinalmaniacs.

UCLA – The Bruins took a long-sighted view Saturday. Sure, Texas clobbered them 49-20 in a half-full Rose Bowl, costing UCLA whatever mojo they had after last year's most surprising upset of said Longhorns. On the other hand, Team Carmageddon laid out the welcome mat for Longhorns to jump conferences. (If you think these Pac-16 jokes are tiresome, just wait until we're writing the Salcacious 16 next year.) We repeat, The Bootleg cannot confirm the rumor that Rick Neuheisel is hoping for superconferences and an accompanying 64-team playoff so he can have more chances to play in $1,000 NCAA Tournament pools.

USC – With a 38-17 drubbing of Syracuse, the Trojans made a powerful opening statement as their chase for this year's Pac-12 title now begins in earnest. Wait, scratch that. After USC's 38-17 drubbing of Syracuse, coaches around the country figure to push USC up in this week's Top 25. Wait, scratch that. USC quarterback Matt Barkley threw five touchdown passes in a 38-17 drubbing of Syracuse. Keep it up and might just enter into Heisman lore like the Trojans' last Heisman winner, Reggie Bush. Crap, scratch that too. Ugh, I give up, USC. I tried to be nice too.

Washington – Never a good thing when your opponent's score reaches the G column. "There was a Husker who had a ball and bingo was his name-o. B-I-N-G-O, B-I-N-G-O…" Sure enough, Washington, you gave Nebraska B-10 points in the first quarter, I-17 points in the third and G-51 points on the day. Take your free space and you're one square away from a winning card and a free three-day cruise. Rotary Club's proud of you, U-Dub. The rest of us? Not so much.

Washington State – So much for this year's feel-good story. Some guy named Ronnie Hillman ran for 191 yards and four touchdowns as Washington State Couged it up yet again, losing 42-24 to San Diego State. 42, incidentally, is the number of tries it takes for me to correctly spell the name of Team Pullman's quarterback, Marshall Lobbestael. Of course, after a day of minus-31 rushing yards, maybe Lobbestael is a better Scrabbler than he is scrambler.

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