Arizona State – After three first-quarter turnovers, you were losing 13-0 -- to Oregon State. That's like losing to the Guinness World Record-holding 120 year old Japanese lady at a who's youngest contest. That's like losing to Ke$ha -- and it pains me to say it, as she is my celebrity crush -- at a singing contest sans AutoTune. Or maybe it's like losing to Tupac at a who's most alive contest. However you slice it, not good.
Colorado – Who cares?
Oregon State – The flip side of 40 completions is that you threw 66 passes against Arizona State. Sixty-six! Does Mike Riley realize his squad gets points for touchdowns, not pass attempts? OSU also racked up 139 penalty yards, or 65 more than Arizona State. Beating ASU at their own game there is really hard to do, just ask Vontaze.
Stanford – With the Card now having won seven straight by at least 26 points, Stanford fans have to generate their own drama to keep the games interesting. In that spirit, let me offer a few prop bets for the Colorado tilt, on the house. Which quantity will be greater: 1. Andrew Luck's incompletions or the number of times Versus announcers misidentify the down, yard line or team with the ball? (Exhibit A: the 2007 USC game.) 2. The number of intelligible words on the PA system the entire game (i.e. nearly four solid hours), but in the section with the worst acoustics, or Stanford's total yardage? 3. Noise, in decibels, generated by shady-side fans, or yards gained by Stanford's No. 2 receiver? I seriously don't know which way I'd bet on these.
UCLA – Wide receiver Randall Carroll: "We've seen them in space and they're terrible. They don't play well in space at all. No one on that defense. We get the ball in my hands, Josh, Jordon James, Shaq, anybody, it's going to be over for them." Well, I suppose Carroll may have been right all along. After all, he never touched the ball Saturday.
That Carroll didn't get into the action is too bad. I would have loved to have seen him get dragged down by the hair too, not because I'm vengeful, but to prove once and for all that you can actually do that in real life, and not just pro wrestling. Next thing you know, you're going to tell me the sleeper hold is real too.
USC – You beat Minnesota 19-17 week one. Michigan beat Minnesota 58-0 last week. I'm born and bred Maize and Blue, but let me assure you Michigan is not good at all, despite its ranking. Point is, I'm no mathematician, but by the transitive property, I'm pretty sure you're awful. (Side note: I count all of four Michigan guys who would definitely start for your beloved Cardinal. C David Molk, T Taylor Lewan, DT Mike Martin and, as our No. 2 WR, scatback and return specialist, the one and the only Denard Robinson. That's it.)
Utah – Guess the Cinderella conference-haters were right after all. Harder to play week after week in a BCS conference than get up for the one or two big games per season. The Utes are 0-2 in the Pac-12 and 2-0 out of conference, so they're singlehandedly making the old Pac-10 look good. Hey, we'll take all the help we can get in a season like this. That win/loss pattern could continue too, with Arizona State, Pitt and Cal next up.
Washington – Thanks in advance for adding some faux drama to Stanford's season. By that, I mean you should be 5-1 come your Oct. 22 visit to the Farm. Only problem is that your wins will have come against Eastern Washington, Hawaii, Cal, Utah and Colorado. I count half a good team in there. Still, thanks to the 5-1 record and lack of feasible alternatives, you'll likely be ranked. Thus, the hypochondriac fans among us will go on about how scary this game is, right before we go on to win our 10th straight by 25-plus points. Good for the kishkas, as my dad would say.
Washington State – Congrats on coming back to win in Boulder, not because Colorado's anything special, far from it, but because compared to Pullman, Boulder must have seemed like Tokyo. Whoa, they have a McDonalds and a Burger King?!? And see that right there? That's called a stoplight.
Oregon – You didn't play last week. Can't say I missed you.
California – You didn't play last week either. I can say I missed you, but that's because you likely would have lost. After all, it's getting to that time of year under Tedford when the bubble of preseason expectations inevitably pops. (Good luck against Oregon on Thursday, though!)
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