Dirty Dozen: The triple-overtime edition

Still riding high from that whopper in Los Angeles, we take a look at the news and goods in our beloved Pac-12 conference.

Arizona Arizona's D was Swiss. Back in the day, that meant Swiss efficiency, near perfection, that desert swarm defense pushing the Wildcats into the national elite for a year or two. This year, it just means Swiss cheese. Saturday, Chris Polk scored five touchdowns and became U-Dub's first-ever player to run and catch for 100 yards in the same game. Congrats, Arizona! You are historically putrid.

Arizona State In the battle of the party schools, I would tend to go with the team whose mascot is a freaking devil with a pitchfork. Just saying. And sure enough, it was ASU with the 48-14 victory over Colorado, but, hey, both campuses partied well into the night anyway. This just breaking: no truth to the rumor that Sun Devil Stadium was only half-full because Playboy was holding a talent tryout at the same time.

California If Zach Maynard had wet the bed on previous occasions (and he certainly has), today the bedsheets have some brown streaks on them. Maynard was a wonderful 14-of-30 with four interceptions and nary a touchdown to his name. Turns out the mad quarterback genius Jeff Tedford is now, well, just mad. The good news, though, is that the University's severance packages include complimentary angry management counseling, as Tedford will find out in about two months' time.

Colorado Too bad Ralphie the Buffalo doesn't do road games. As a football player, he would be pretty unstoppable on the ground. Also, I realize he doesn't exactly have hands or a brain capable of understanding the game of football, but he still would have been unlikely to turn it over five times. Coincidentally, Colorado decided they would turn it over five times as 31-point underdogs in Tempe. When you look at it that way, they did good to lose "only" by 34.

Oregon I had a really funny write-up for you guys, but I smoked it all. Sorry.

Oregon State The Beavers finished with all of 263 yards on the day, turned it over four times, and got a good quarter of their points from a safety in a 27-8 loss to Utah. This is the Utah team that lost 34- 10 at Cal last week, and hadn't won a Pac-12 game all year (or heck, ever). Now, computers are frying at sports books across the country as they try to decide where to set the Stanford-Oregon State line. What if our Cardinal were to go from 42-point dogs to 42-point favorites in a period of five years? We won't this week, but perhaps no other stat could better encapsulate the last five years for Stanford football.

Stanford and USC: Ha, ha, ha, USC. Any school dreams of causing a rival a mere fraction of the psychic pain we've caused USC recently.

  • We tore their hearts out this year, 56-48 in triple overtime. They're going to remember for a long time the one second in regulation controversy, the fourth and long we avoided after their personal foul penalty on the Owusu hit – my friend texted me "y'all just got bailed the f*** out" -- and, of course, the game-ending fumble into the end zone.
  • Last year, we won 37-35, with Nate Whitaker hitting the game-winning field goal at the horn.
  • 2009 was the "what's your deal" game. It was 21-all heading into the fourth and we pulled away (some would say ran up the score, and I couldn't disagree entirely) for a 55-21 W. It was the game I knew we were for real, that the Cal and ‘SC upsets of 2007 weren't flukes.
  • 2008 they killed us. Whatever.
  • 2007 was the Biggest Upset of All Time, 24-23, Pritchard to Bradford in the corner of the end zone.

Stanford Stadium South, baby. From now on, the Coliseum shall be known as Stanford Stadium South.

UCLA

California's flagship universities managed the forward pass Saturday nearly as well as their state does its budget. Maynard soiled his pants with four picks, and Kevin Fresh Prince of Nowhere finished 9-of-18 for 91 yards – in a game in which his team scored 31 points and won decisively. That's really hard to do, though having four receivers -- Randall Carroll, Taylor Embree, Shaquille Evans and Ricky Marvray – serving one-game suspensions after the previous week's Tussle in Tuscon didn't help matters. Hey, I don't blame them. When you're a wide receiver with Kevin Prince as your quarterback, I figure you have to try to factor into the game however you can.

Utah Last week, Utah went on its first roadie to the Bay Area. It was like a field trip for curious fourth-graders. Now, class, this is a liberal. Say it after me, "lib", "err", "ull". Good. I realize we don't have a lot of these in Utah. … Speaking of liberals, after this week, the Utes are afraid those whiny pinkos at the EPA are going to crack down hard. The wannabe-Mormons just finished slaughtering 85 helpless Beavers.

Washington Last week Harry the Husky came home with its tail between its legs. (I just Wikipedia-ed it, that's its actual name. Who knew?) This week, though, throw a dog a bone. Try as Wilma Wildcat might to resist, Harry mounted and humped her leg five times as Washington pulled away in the fourth to move to 6-2. (Well, Chris Polk had the five TDs actually, but that's an unpleasant visual.) Anyway, with Oregon visiting this week, guess we'll see if Harry has as much of an affinity for Daffy Duck.

Washington State Growing up, I was always "most improved" on my elementary-school soccer teams. I realize now that was code for I sucked. Similarly, Washington State has been the conference's lovable loser for a good five years running. Yeah, wow, you played with a lot of spirit there. You're getting sooo much better. Here's an orange slice and a Capri Sun. When is the conference going to see through the charade? They're not very good, haven't been for awhile, and won't be for the foreseeable future.


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