Dirty Dozen, the going golfing edition

We take on the ess eee cee. We take on you ess cee. We take on you taw. We try to take on Oregon. We take no prisoners, and it's this week's Dirty Dozen.

Arizona – Rich Rod! He was absolutely crapped upon at Michigan, and I am hoping and think he will succeed in Tucson. So that's the upside. Bad news is that Rich Rod's wife's, ahem, unconventional look, will stand out all the more in a conference with Lane Kiffin's wife. Okay, that website is totally creepy, I feel gross now that Google even led me there. Anyway, I think the point is: how in the world did Lane Kiffin pull that?

Arizona State – Like the hair styles, the hair bands and MC Hammer, file Dennis Erickson into the category of things we should have parted with 20 years ago. Yeah, dude won at Miami – a lot. Since, though, he's hardly covered himself in glory, and was recently fired by his AD Lisa Love, whose name sounds like she should star on an MTV reality show. Good news is Mike Stoops, and now Wulff and Neuheisel, should have some free time on their hands too. I hear Neuheisel knows how to party and Stoops is one heck of a screamer.

California, Washington and Washington State – Seems Wulff and Neuheisel will be joining Stoops on the golf course after their forced retirements. Until Tedford's Cal team beat Arizona State to ensure a winning season, it seemed he might be on the hot seat as well. Oh, to be a fly on the wall (golf cart?) for that foursome. Tedford would start four under, only to bogey, bogey, double-bogey in crunch time down the stretch. Stoops' round wouldn't be anything to write home about, but he'd finish the day having broken four clubs over his knees in reaction to missed putts. Wulff would be the nice, quiet guy who has only a sand wedge, a 10-year old driver and a putter to his name while the rest of the gang is showing up with $500 ($25,000?) Titlest sets. And Neuheisel, naturally, would be the guy shaving strokes and kicking his ball forward when no one was looking.

Colorado – You're telling me Colorado would have done significantly worse than 2-7 in the Big 12? (Food for thought: would USC, Oregon and Stanford do worse or better?) If not, why is their conference ranked so far ahead of ours? Anyway, which of these is not like the other: 37, 31, 48, 52, 45, 48, 42, 29, 45, 14. Yup, it's that last number, less than half of what the Buffs had allowed any of their previous nine opponents. And with the three-point win over Utah, Team Ralphie snaps a 23-game losing streak and ensures mighty UCLA represents the Pac-12 South against Oregon. No sarcasm, just congrats on snapping those 23 straight. We Stanford fans certainly know how that is.

Oregon State – In this Civil War, stepping onto the field was the Beavers' Pickett charge moment, and it got decidedly Shermanesque from there. The bad news is Oregon State finishes their season third to last nationally with 87 rushing yards per game. The good news is of their 15 2012 commits, 10 are offensive, of whom eight are linemen or tight ends. The worst news, alas is that Oregon State is still in Corvallis.

Oregon – What can you hate on? They're really good. I like the way they play. That LSU loss looks pretty darn legit in retrospect, and a loss versus a top-10 USC team is certainly understandable. Plus, they kicked our butts in our house. Their talent is ridiculous. Yeah, they have shady recruiting practices, but that's been run into the ground. Ugh, I hate writing all of that… when will that NCAA investigation come to fruition again?

Stanford – ESS-EEE-CEE. ESS-EEE-CEE. No, it's not chanting for God's favorite conference, it's chanting for Georgia to beat LSU so we can get a crack at those Bulldogs and their craptacular offense in a BCS bowl. Or give me Michigan in a traditional Rose Bowl matchup, albeit in the not-Rose Bowl. Or give me Oklahoma State so we can hang 50 on that defense, or Oklahoma for a crack at one of college football's most storied programs. Basically, all I want for Christmas is not the ACC, not the Big East (luckily those two conferences should face each other in the Orange Bowl) and, please, please, please, not Houston. We're 23-2 these last two seasons, and we've earned the right to end this run with a bang.

UCLA – You know how it's said a certain President was born on third base and thought he hit a home run? Well, UCLA has to be the first team in history to be born on third and somehow end up on first. You're in L.A. and signing these stud recruiting classes. Your archrival ‘SC has sanctions and a coach with a sewage treatment plant named in his honor. You're in a division in which a team starting The Bootleg's 22 most frequent posters would be competitive. Yet you lose 50-0 to USC, and are get thrashed at Oregon as we speak.

USCMatt Barkley threw six touchdown passes, half of them superfluous, against UCLA. Maybe he thought it was throw six and get a free hair coloring session day. The funny thing is, in retrospect, had the Trojans showed up against crappy ASU and had one butterfly land oh so slightly differently versus Stanford, it would have been a 12-0 season. As is, now it's time for basketball season. Cheat on.

Utah – After a ho-hum Pac-12 campaign, I wonder if the Utes miss their annual battles with their former Mountain West buddies New Mexico and Wyoming. Hey, the good news is if Utah can wrangle themselves an SEC invitation, that'd be halfway to one the strongest non-conference slates in the league.

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