A Little Trojan History

Re-published from The Bootleg's 10/15/94 USC Issue. Caution: We were really raw back then!

From The Bootleg Archives
Published 10/15/94
Volume I, Nr. 7

As you all know, The Troad, later referred to as the Land of Troy, was the north-western promontory of Asia Minor. Local beat writer and resident homeboy, Homer, never actually called it Troy. In Homeric legend, the early ancestors of the Trojans were known simply as "Troes" and were ruled by this most excellent dude named "Priam" (a failed local disk drive entrepreneur). In an epic ten-year gridiron battle, the Greeks kicked Troy's tail, avenging the abduction (by Priam's Honorable Mention All-Asia-Minor son Paris) of Menelaus' hot-looking mega-babe-wife, Helen (aka: "The Trojan Trollop"), it was the formidable "Achaens" (an early version of the Thunder Chickens) under legendary Cardinal signal-caller Agamemnon (Consensus First Team All-Macedonian and Second-Team Academic Panhellenic), who ultimately brought about the destruction of Troy. OK, so Helen was a Greek (Kappa Kappa Gamma in fact), but we needed the alliteration! While "that Think Tank on Figueroa", as Walsh commonly refers to $C, may not qualify as a universitas magistorum et scholarium, it is true that the Trojans have some serious football tradition. They have been playing football for thousands of years. In their inaugural season, the Trojans lost to the Greeks in the now defunct "Ambrosia Bowl", when Sparta Prep product Zeus hit "Crazy Legs" Schliemann on a 121-cubit touchdown bomb with only three grains of sand left in the fourth quarter hourglass! Virgil also carried the stone (literally) 14 times for 266 cubits for the Greeks, earning MVG honors (Most Valuable Greek). Latter-Day Trojan alumni include: John Wayne, Orenthal James "Say it ain't so, Juice!" Simpson, Marcus Allen, Charles White, Mike Garrett, Lynn Swann, Todd Marajuan-ovich, Cheryl Miller, Harold "Baby Jordan" Miner, Freddy Lynn, Mark McGuire, Ted McGinley (He's the pretty-boy airhead on "Married w/Children" (a TV show we refuse to admit we have ever actually watched!), Nixon Chief of Staff H.R. Halderman (one of "the Prussians") and Nixon's "Dirty Tricks" guy Donald Segretti.....We were very disappointed that The Juice's Heisman Trophy, jersey, etc. were removed from U$C's famed Heritage Hall prior to charges even being filed against the man! That was un-American! $C officials claimed the banishment was "for security reasons". We read "we need to disassociate ourselves from the guy". Actually, after an uproar from alums, they ended up putting everything back in the Hall, only to see Juice's Heisman and game jersey STOLEN right afterward in a break-in. If you love college football, that has to make you very sad! We'd like to find the guy who stole O.J.'s stuff and slice his head off with a hunting knife!! Still, even if O.J. is guilty (which we refuse to assume if for no other reason than to piss off the whining and increasingly annoying Ralph Barbieri of KNBR 68, who seemed willing to turn on the gas without even a trial), we are prepared to forgive #32! Hey, everyone makes mistakes! We know that taking this position will generate outrage among Stanford's expanding community of candy-ass Political Correctness, but that is precisely why we're doing it!

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