Woody Allen on Stanford Football

In our current March issue, The Bootleg Magazine Editor Jim Rutter delivered a landmark interview with Sherlock Holmes on topics of Cardinal Football that surprised and delighted our readers. Inspired, Stan DeVaughn has scored a rare interview with secretive, Academy Award-winning comic writer/director/producer Woody Allen.

SD: It came as a real surprise to me when I learned about your interest in Stanford Football, of all things.  I assume it must be the tragi-comic dimension of the Cardinal that attracted you.  How do you react to what you see on the field at Stanford?

WA: I giggle, I chuckle, I guffaw occasionally.  (Play It Again, Sam)

I was told that you saw your first Stanford game in 1986 when Jack Elway's team played Arizona in Tokyo.  Someone said you were seen flying around the stadium that day.  What was that all about?

Goddam Japanese flying-pack!  (Sleeper)

Did you follow college sports as a kid?

When I was 12 I ran into a synagogue.  I asked the rabbi the meaning of life.  He tells me the meaning of life, but he tells me in Hebrew.  I tell him that don't understand Hebrew.  Then he wants to charge me $600 for Hebrew lessons.  (Zelig)

The physical aspect of football seems inconsistent with your own personality, at least as it's been expressed in your career.  Can you explain?

My brother beat me.  My sister beat my brother.  My father beat my sister and me and my brother.  My mother beat my father and my sister and me and brother.  The neighbors beat our family.  The people down the block beat the neighbors and our family.  (Zelig)

No conversation with you would be complete with getting your impression of the Stanford Dollies.  What did you think the first time you saw one our Dollies of the Month?

I wonder what she looks like naked?  (Annie Hall)

Seriously, wouldn't you say that collegiate song girls, such as the Dollies, are more wholesome than the dancers on the sidelines at NFL games?

I'd like a blonde.  With a big behind.  Something I can sink my teeth into.  (Play it Again, Sam)

It's known that despite your reputation as an iconoclast and anti-tradition, that you're a traditionalist at heart.  When the team takes "The Walk" before games, it seems like the kind of old-school tradition that you favor.  What do you think when you see those young athletes?

Who am I kidding?  I'm not like that.  Never was, never will be.  (Play It Again, Sam)

Given your penchant for personal freedoms, how did you react to the Great Beer Ban that Stanford enacted in 1989?  How do you relax at games?

I don't know what I am going to do.  I-I-knew this was going to happen.  Where are my pills?  I need a-a Valium the size of a hockey puck.  (Broadway Danny Rose)

I understand that as a jazz musician you're a big fan of the LSJUMB, despite their years of deteriorating musicianship.  What do you say to older alums who ridicule The Band?

You don't deserve Cole Porter!  (Hannah And Her Sisters)

Surely you must have thoughts about the new stadium.  How do you like those "Farm Dogs"?

That's eight-and-half bucks.  For that kind of money, I could get the waitress to sleep with me.  (Broadway Danny Rose)

Everyone is still recovering from the train-wreck of 2006, not to mention the ignominy of the past five years.  But even you would admit that all the injuries didn't help.  Any thoughts about physical conditioning?

I have a brain tumor the size of a basketball!  (Hannah and Her Sisters)

What's your opinion of The Tree?

As the poet said, "Only God can make a tree."  Probably because it's so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.  (Without Feathers)

The most pessimistic Stanford Football followers are predicting the ultimate demise, and disappearance, of football at Stanford.  What's your take on this?

Well, the universe is everything, and if it's expanding, someday it will break apart and that would be the end of everything.  (Annie Hall)

What do you say to Stanford fans who may now, for various reasons, be "down on the program"?

Life is full of misery, loneliness, and suffering - and it's all over much too soon.  (Annie Hall)

You were spotted at a game recently standing near President Hennessy.  You seemed quite pensive.  What was on your mind?

What I wouldn't give to have a large, dead mackerel right now!  (Annie Hall)

Any words of advice next year for returnees such as Mark Bradford, Evan Moore and Tim Mattran?

Star, smile, strong!  (Broadway Danny Rose)

Despite all the talk of a new era of football, salary still seems to be a real sticking point with the hiring of coaches.  What's your reaction?

I'm so depressed.  I think I'll take couple of more aspirin.  I'm becoming an aspirin junkie.  Pretty soon I'll start boiling the cotton at the top to get out the extra.  (Play It Again, Sam)

What final insights might you share with long-suffering Stanford fans who love their Cardinal?

To love is to suffer.  To avoid suffering, one must not love.  But, then one suffers from not loving.  Therefore, to love is to suffer; not to love is to suffer; to suffer is to suffer.  To be happy is to love; to be happy, then, is to suffer, but suffering makes one unhappy; therefore, to be unhappy one must love, or love to suffer, or suffer from too much happiness - I hope you're getting this down.  (Love and Death)

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