BootPowerRatings™ - 9/04

"Tree Boy" is back with his inimitable BootPowerRatings. From USC to Washington, here is your Pac-10 Conference like never seen before.

Below are our exclusive BootPowerRatings™ of the Pac-10 conference. Each week during the football season, we will release our secret-formula rating of all teams of the Pac-10. The BootPowerRating™ (BPR) is calculated by utilizing a range of factors rumored to include: past results, statistics, common-opponent comparative results factor, strength-of-schedule, home-stadium environment, cheerleader attitude and an unrevealed school spirit multiplier. The resulting rating score falls within a 1-100 scale, where 100 approximates a Rose Bowl-bound team and a score of 1 is somewhere south of D-1.

1. USC  97
If the conventional wisdom holds true that the a team improves most from its first game to its second, the Buckeyes are in for a world of hurt.  The seemingly infallible Trojan army took the manhood from the Cavalier soldiers in Charlottesville and, just for good measure, put their best LB in the infirmary for the remainder of the season. These games are all window dressing for the big showdown in Palo Alto 11 weeks from now.

2. Arizona 89
Determined not to be caught cat-napping to start this season, 'Zona racked up more points in their opening barbecue of Idaho than their first six games combined a year ago.  With the offense on cruise control and the defense likewise unyielding, Mike Stoops used the second half to comb over his contract, searching for that "Sabbatical With Pay" clause that his buddy Lute has.

3. Arizona State 88
Though not as impressive as their in-state mates to the south, Tempe Normal didn't break a sweat in dispensing of the JUCO from Flagstaff.  While the nation has had their eyes on the weather brewing in the Bayou Gulf, a severe storm ravaged the Devils'  brand new practice facility rendering it useless for the rest of the season.  The NCAA may not have been able to pin down Erickson yet, but mother nature brings justice swiftly.   

4. Oregon 87
What is it about those new Nike shoes that causes severe knee damage to any slinger who suits up for Whoregon?  After Justin Roper limped off as the latest casualty, 18th string QB Jeremiah Masoli (a transfer who clearly has not fallen under the Curse of Knight yet) turned a tight contest into a waddle-away for the Quackers.  Couple Masoli with RB Johnson and you have the first All-Jeremiah backfield in the history of, well, anything.   

5. Stanford 83
One of the many attributes of a blue-collar worker is "not afraid to get dirty."  With four personal fouls (one of which nearly took out the opposing QB), the Card are adopting this new label and asserting themselves in the ruthless Pac-10 world.  After hearing about the Democratic party's investment in recyclable convention materials, coach Jim Har-balls requested a few banners to get the "Gerhart for Heisman" campaign off and running.   

6. UCLA  81
After newly indoctrinated signal caller Kevin Craft had just thrown his fourth pick before halftime, Rose Bowl denizens must have had a collective flashback to the Notre Shame fiasco.  Craft may have entered the locker room as Mr. Hyde but he reappeared with his jersey inscribed with the name "Jekyll," as he lead the Baby Blues to an improbable upset of Team Tang.  During the midfield handshake, Slick Rick asked Phat Phil if he was personally going to deliver the Fulmer Cup, or if he should just run up to Berkeley and pick it up himself.  

7. kal 80
With nothing to do during the off season in Strawberry Canyon except stew and mull over the Riley/Longshore controversy, Teddy Bear finally gave in to the populist vote and started Kevin "Broken Internal Clock" Riley against the Green Spartans.  He must have been both relieved and irritated that Riley proved to be the right choice, which simultaneously put Jeff's title of "Genius" in serious doubt.  Just to make absolutely certain he had made the right call, Tedford plugged Longshore in for a series and, making the most of this sudden vote of confidence, Nate promptly barfed up a pick-six to let MSU right back in the ball game.   

8. Oregon State 76
Before their matchup with Stanford, Mike Riley was bemoaning the fact that his varmint had to open the season with a conference opponent, and on the road no less.  The Beavernation, disregarding their headman's words, was all giddy that their opening "cupcake" would have the bonus of yielding a Pac X win.  Apparently that Cardinal-colored pastry was a little hard to swallow and now OSU has their work gnawed out for them.  Was anyone else wondering if Mike Hass had changed his name to Shane Morales to gain more eligibility?  

9. Washington State 44
OOOWWWWOOOOOOO...welcome to big time college football Paul Wulff.  Fifth-year QB Gary Rogers diagramed up a whopping 55 yards of offense in the first 30 minutes of game time, leaving the Coug faithful with only their memories of Bledsoe-Leaf-Gesser-Brink to keep them warm during those long, cold winters in the Palouse.  The Boot Computer has rearranged many boxes in the virtual basement to make room for the Apple State schools this season.  

10. Washington 38
Husky Boosters are calling for a fatwa against The Sheriff of Rottingham after another dismal performance.  Even Goldy-Locker couldn't get things rolling, having his worst game behind center since his arrival in Montlake.  With their next two contests against ranked opponents in BYU and Oklahoma, we can only wonder if 'Rone will be around long enough for Stanford to stick it to him one more time before he fades into coaching oblivion. 

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