I'm going to open up with an apology and a bit of a rant here. First, I would like to apologize to all Retort fans that had to wait until the late hours of the day last week, well after some of you had left work, in order to read The Retort. From the emails I get, it seems that the number one joy of the Retort is getting you through and otherwise tortuous work day. It also seems I am being "treated" to a new editor. One without any sort of sense of urgency that operates on his own time frame. He goes by the name "Pitbul", and to be honest, after dealing with my previous editor for 5 years, my first impression of "Pitbul" is not a good one. As far as I'm concerned, he [Let's leave the personal attacks out of it and get back to writing 3rd-grade humor, shall we? – Staff]
So, with that said, I am going to take two deep breaths, count to 10, and put this nonsense behind me. So let's climb in between some Whiskey and a Foxtrot, and get ready to Tango.
Iowa State 27 - N. Illinois 10
The conference's first JV-night game didn't even feel like a real football game. Still, the Cyclones did what they were supposed to do, which was to take care of business against a school whose only athletic achievement is a 1982 national championship in women's badminton and who boasts such famous alumni as the voice of Homer Simpson. Hey, but their football coach's name is Coach Kill, which would certainly top the list you are going to see later in the show. As for the actual game, the Iowa State defense looks to be the story from the box score, holding the Huskies to 249 yards and forcing 3 turnovers.
Missouri 23 - Illinois 13
Yet another Illinois school getting beat in week one, but at least they can claim to be the college home of one Hugh Hefner. In case you haven't guessed, I am using the heck out of some Wikipedia tonight to make it through these meaningless nonconference games. The Tigers were down 13 – 3 at the half, but came to play in the second half and left St. Louis with the win.
Colorado 24 - Colorado State 3
Eff Colorado. Enjoy playing games in the Jimmy Fallon time slot, jackwagons.
Texas 34 - Rice 17
The Longhorns struggled to establish an offensive identity against the lowly Rice Owls. After getting used to watching Colt McCoy dissect defenses, there had to be a bit of tension among the burnt orange faithful as Gilbert Gilbert put up a very pedestrian 14 of 23 for 172 yards. Tre Newton lived up to his name by scoring 3 touchdowns (the "Tre" part, not the "Newton" part, although I suppose he at least lived up to Newton's fourth law of motion which states, "It's not a cookie, mother, it is fruit and cake").
Kansas State 31 - UCLA 22
A matchup of two teams that used to be really good, but now fall on the meh-o-meter somewhere between Justin Bieber and In-and-Out Burger. That's right, I said it. All you punks are about to get outWhataburgered. In a related note, Daniel Thomas, the plain-spoken founder of Wendy's, rushed for 235 yards and two touchdowns for the Wildcats.
Nebraska 49 - W Kentucky 10
Eff Nebraska, too. So let's talk about Western Kentucky. Their men's teams are called "The Hilltoppers" and their ladies' teams are called (I'm not making this up) "The Lady Toppers". Most notable alumnus? Duncan Hines. Yes, THE Duncan Hines.
Oklahoma State 65 - Washington State 17
When you have a runningback score 4 TDs and a wide receiver score 3 TDs, there is a good chance you won the game. And that was in fact the case for Oklahoma State as they mercilessly pound the Washington State middle aged women looking for young males that they hope are secretly werewolves or vampires. Hey, the Far Side guy went there!
Oklahoma 31 - Utah State 24
If this game were against, UTAH, we would be talking about how it was a great early season matchup and how the Sooners escaped with a hard earned win. No, but this is Utah State. If Utah is the great Ron Howard, then Utah State is his ugly brother Clint (that is inexplicably in every one of his films).
Baylor 34 - Sam Houston State 3
After missing a good chunk of last season to a knee injury, Baylor Bears' savior (not THAT Savior, the football savior…) Robert Griffin returned to form, leading the Baylors to a rout of a school with a first name. The men's basketball team came onto the field during a timeout to receive their rings for reaching the Elite Eight, and to remind fans that there actually is a sport on campus , other than not dancing, where they aren't going to finish last. Sam Houston State, meanwhile, boasts Dan Rather as a notable alumnus, and I can only imagine the sheer amount of life force drained out of his classmates as they had to repeatedly listen to his shoehorned country witticisms.
Texas A&M 48 - Stephen F Austin 7
If a team plays a football game, and it isn't on TV for anybody to see, did they really play it? As an Aggie, this is getting ridiculous. Someone posted elsewhere that over the last 5 years, Texas A&M is the least televised team in Division I-A. I lay this firmly at the feet of our athletic director, "Dollar Bill". He operates under the premise that showing games on television means there will be nobody at the stadium. Media attention, be damned. Recruits watching games, be damned. Psychoag not writing about it in his web rant, be damned. Rest assured, this isn't the last you have heard from me, Mr. Byrne. In fact, I think a youtube video may be in order. As for the game, we pounded a small east Texas team in a game that really doesn't tell you anything, other than "at least we didn't lose".
North Dakota State 6 - Kansas 3
Oh, good freaking grief. The only Big XII school to lose, and it is to North Dakota State, home of "The Spectrum", the longest continually printed collegiate newspaper… in North Dakota. A college football game between a BCS conference member and an FCS division member that consists of nothing but 3 field goals. Really, what else is there to say?
Texas Tech 35 - SMU 27
A lot of Tech fans were no doubt worried about how their offense would look this year, after the departure of the angry pirate. And although, they were no longer treated to the XLerator hand dryer, skinning opponents alive with high power and blistering heat, they were still far from "hands wiping on pants". More like one of those wavy hand towel dispensers that spits out little chunks at a time. Sure it can be a bit frustrating, but it gets the job done.
Observations, Quick Hits, and Miscellany:
·Are the Virginia Tech uniforms the worst ever worn in college football? More proof that Nike has become so drunk with power that they are just screwing with everyone.
·In the same game, can we get an explanation for the enormous helmet decals on the Boise State helmets? I can't seem to find a picture, but I can only thing it was designed by the same dewsh that designed the new oversized logo on the Polo shirt.
I don't know if the coach is a Steelers fan or if they worried that it would be too expensive to put it on both sides of the helmet.
·The Big XII Coaches ranked by how tough their name sounds:
1. Mack Brown, Texas – Sounds like the name of your old drinking buddy, or the hero in a western movie. Could be worse.
2. Paul Rhoads, Iowa State – Tough sounding I guess, but dropped due to the unnecessary silent h.
3. Dan Hawkins, Colorado – I suppose it depends on if you see this one as "bird of prey" or "to cough up loogie". I gave him the benefit of the doubt, even though his former quarterback eats boogers.
4. Bill Snyder, Kansas State – Neutral, middle of the pack, but given the sheer number of wussy names, he actually ends up quite high.
5. Mike Sherman, Texas A&M – Sure it conjures up images of instruments of war, like the Sherman tank, however he is downgraded a bit by also conjuring up images of the really fat guy from Nutty Professor.
6. Tommy Tuberville, Texas Tech – Yes, I know how it is PRONOUNCED, but it is SPELLED like something you would see on the sign at a waterpark.
7. Art Briles, Baylor – Not really much to go on from the last name, but the first name, well, it's "Art", and whenever you describe something as "arty" or worse yet, "artsy fartsy" it doesn't rank high on the tough list.
8. Turner Gill, Kansas – Not sure why, but this name just sounds like something you would do when becoming intimate with a mermaid.
9. Mike Gundy, Oklahoma State – Yes, he's forty. Yes, he's a man. But I imagine him as a flexible, green man, and that doesn't scare me.
10. Bo Pelini, Nebraska – It sounds like the name of an Italian cocktail. Unfortunately for Bo's ranking, said cocktail consists of sparkling wine and peach puree. If a Belini were Jagermeister, 151, Tabasco sauce, and a copper penny he may be ranked a little higher. Of course, then it probably wouldn't be called a Belini.
11. Bob Stoops, Oklahoma – When your last name means "bends over", that doesn't exactly inspire fear in the enemy.
12. Gary Pinkel, Missouri – Uhh, no.
Couch Potato's Guide:
Georgia Tech at Kansas 11:00 AM on FSN
Why to Watch: You enjoy seeing a football program go down in flames.
Who will win: I don't know how Georgia Tech is doing this year, but I do know how Kansas is doing, and it rhymes with "scrappy" and means the opposite. Georgia Tech wins 35 "Rambling Wrecks" to 10 "Train Wrecks".
Colorado at California 2:30 PM on FSN
Why not to watch: See below below
Who will win: Any store in a 10 mile radius that sells Dorito's. California on top, 24 "lefthanded cigarettes" to 17 "hand blown water pipes".
Iowa State at Iowa 2:30 on ABC
Why not to watch: See below
Who will win: I don't know, who? Let's say Iowa, 17 "caucuses" to 7 "gallons of ethanol"
Florida State at Oklahoma 2:30 PM on ABC
Why to watch: Because this is what non-conference football should be. Actual good teams playing good teams. Not sure why the Big XII has two other meaningless games on at this time. Probably our inane television contract.
Who will win: The Sooners looked very beatable against Utah State, but I think they right the ship in a close one. Sooners win, 21 "visors" to 20 "rubber tomahawks".
Wyoming at Texas 6:00 PM on FSN
Why not to watch: Texas Football has suddenly gotten REALLY boring.
Who will win: Even without a passing game, Texas has the horsepower to beat Wyoming. Texas wins, 41 "what is the sound of two hands clapping over and over and over agains" to 21 "uncreative looking maps".
Buffalo at Baylor 6:00 PM on FCS
Why not to watch: Buffalo at Baylor 6:00 PM on FCS.
Who will win: Baylor fools everyone by starting off 2-0. Baylor wins, 28 "Nose Brothers" to 14 "I'm sorry, you're playing who?s"
Other games not interesting enough to comment on this week:
McNeese State at Missouri
Who will win: McNeese State, 32 "Stinky Pinkels" to 28 "Upset Shockers"
Troy at Oklahoma State
Who will win: Oklahoma State, 45 "Prevent Defenses" to 10 "Blown Trojan Coverages"
Louisiana Tech at Texas A&M
Who will win: Texas A&M, 35 "Dave Souths" to 7 "Migraine Headaches"
Texas Tech at New Mexico
Who will win: Texas Tech, 17 "Whews" to 14 "Dammits"
Idaho at Nebraska
Who will win: Nebraska, 45 "Idahos" to 6 "Youdahos"
Missouri State at Kansas State
Who will win: Kansas State, 27 "Autobiographical Stadiums" to 14 "Retread tires"
Okay, time to get this thing to print, but I wanted to throw in a few last things.
Message Bored: Please post comments and discussions with other fans on the RaiderPower message board here: LINK
Facebook: I have a Facebook page setup, just search for "Psychoag" and look for the picture of me from the Leave Coach Fran Alone video. As of this writing, I have 249 fans, and I really enjoy the interaction. Especially when you guys post on the game threads.
Twitter: I have a Twitter account now so you can "Follow" my "Tweets". Just follow "Psychoag". Thanks to the 14 of you that are already following. I will try and keep it witty. I am new at Twitter so any suggestions are appreciated.
Email: For the first time in five years, I went a week without receiving any email, meaning either you were all mad for my editor making you wait so long [Seriously, give it a freaking rest. – Staff] , or my spam filter was being an arsehole and lumped you all in with the Viagra ads and business opportunities in foreign countries that only require my bank account number to make me rich. Or it could be because the hyperlink didn't show up. Hopefully, this week will. If you want to shoot me an email, you can get me at email@example.com
Random Shout Outs: Rick Sharp for inspiring a few of the jokes. All of my Twitter and Facebook followers. The First Place Texas Rangers for keeping me interested at least until football season started. Whataburgers with only ketchup, cheese, grilled onions, tomatoes, and jalapenos. Just how I like it.