First, let me display me utter surprise at seeing the Retort posted at 3:00 in the morning this week. I can only hope my jackwagon editor is starting to figure out how this works. And I just had the last one trained… Now, if he will quit inserting his own commentary and censoring parts of my column then I think things will go smoothly. Psychoag likes to wear women's panties and mash his naughty bits flat with a meat tenderizer. I also didn't care for the sarcastic introduction last week, but I am going to give him the benefit of the doubt and chalk it up as a feeble attempt at humor. It was funnier than everything you wrote but maybe the mermaid joke.
Okay, now down to business. Let's see how big of a sports fan you are: What sport is right now playing its Finals? Answer at the end. As for footballing, there were a bunch of shocking blowouts this week as well as a stunning upset by the only Big XII team not to win in week 1. The good news is that we are moving past all of the early season warmup games (well, except for A&M) and moving on to games of some consequence. Trivia Answer: If you said "The WNBA" then congratulations! You're excommunicated from the sports brotherhood.
Kansas 28 - Georgia Tech 25
What the are you kidding me? Coach Aquaman decided to make a change at quarterback this week, benching the unfortunately named "Kale Pick" in favor of freshman QB Jordan Webb. This is leading many to view this as a brewing quarterback controversy. Look, when one quarterback loses to a division I-AA team (or FCS or whatever nonsense they are called now) and the other upsets the 15th ranked team, there is no controversy. That is like choosing between a T-bone steak and a butterscotch enema. (For those of you unsure, the T-bone is the correct choice. Trust me.)
Nebraska 38 - Idaho 17
The folks from the land of potatoes and Napoleon Dynamite travelled to the program whose name we will not speak and were promptly roundhouse kicked backed to the second goofiest shaped state (Maryland is the clear #1). This is all of the time I am going to spend on this one.
California 52 - Colorado 7
Oklahoma 47 - Florida State 17
Holy cow, I did not see this one coming. After last week's wobbly opener, the Sooner Schooner (the wagon, not the beer mug) came out full speed laying 34 on the Semenoles in the first half and never looking back. Bob Stoops' offense took little brother Mark's (also Stoops) defense out behind the woodshed and gave them a fraternal whooping like we haven't seen since the book of Genesis. At least Bob didn't go tell their dad, "Yeah, I'm not sure where he is" and get banished from Oklahoma. I'm fairly certain that FSU quarterback Christian Ponder's Heisman campaign came to a grinding halt as he went 11 of 28 for 113 yards and two picks.
Oklahoma State 41 - Troy 38
Troy. Troy. No, not the warriors from 12th century Greece, the warriors from the 21st century Sun Belt Conference that squeaked past Bowling Green, one of the least fear-inspiring names in all of college football . And Troy actually led 27 – 20 at the half after a blistering second quarter that saw 41 points put on the board.
Baylor 34 - Buffalo 6
Baylor's Robert Griffin makes easy work of the Buffalo Bulls. Since this game is so boring, I will liven you up with an interesting bit of trivia. Did you know that the following is actually a grammatically correct sentence: "Buffalo buffalo Buffalo buffalo buffalo buffalo Buffalo buffalo." Seriously. Of course, so is "What does this have to do with football, you bottom hole."
Texas A&M 48 - Louisiana Tech 16
This game started off a disaster as the Aggies missed a field goal and fumbled five times (losing four) in the first half. One particularly disastrous sequence involved A&M fumbling a punt return on the 1-yard line, allowing a touchdown, and then fumbling the kickoff return. Proving that, unlike the Dallas Cowboys, they can close out a half, the Aggies' Jerrod Johnson threw a 44-yard Hail Mary touchdown to Uzoma Nwachukwu, whose name totally confounds my spell checker, but would obliterate your opponent in Scrabble. Then the Aggies did a bunch of stuff in the second half, but nobody saw it because our athletic director is Amish.
Texas 34 - Wyoming 7
The Longhorns follow up an unimpressive win against a weak opponent with another of the same. This time they at least tried to pass the ball and not just hand it off to the ahumorous bear from the Muppets. Some of you are laughing right now; others are having giant questions marks get caught in your ceiling fans. That's okay, next time you watch a Texas game, hopefully you will ROFLCOPTER with the rest of us.
Kansas State 48 - Missouri State 24
When you pound a division I-AA opponent, you just may get preempted by stream of consciousness nonsense. I'm sorry, it has been that way for six years. Crap, I have skipped too many songs on Pandora and now I have to change channels to get new songs. Hey, it isn't my fault I have to skip so many, I'm not the one that put the Three Doors Down and Breaking Benjamin on the Tenacious D channel. I'm glad these music genomists aren't the ones trying to cure anything. If you have no idea what I am talking about, go to Pandora.com. You can thank me later.
Texas Tech 52 - New Mexico 17
Okay, so I was way off. You will quickly learn that my predictions are utterly meaningless and merely a way for me to shoehorn a few more jokes in. Tech actually got outgained in the air during this one, but a lot of that was due to the fact that they frequently had a short field after long kick returns and blocked punts. There has got to be nothing more demoralizing than a blocked punt. As a kicker you are thinking, "Man, everyone hates it when I come out on the field. My only job is to give the ball back to the other team, hopefully as far away as possible. Sure my grade point average is double theirs, but everyone out there is bigger than me. Good thing they are all 17 yards away and I have eleven people protecting me that normally spending the week taping me to things. Oh crap…"
Missouri 50 - McNeese State 6
McNeese State's weekend got off to an eerie start as their airplane blew a tire on takeoff, forcing them to make an emergency landing. Unfortunately for them, this was the best news they would have. As for the game, the Tigers lay a Ulysses S. Grant on them and the Cowboys manage a mere 6 points, which is double the number of tires they landed on and two more than the number of pull-ups I can do . I'm a big wuss. They didn't even make their extra point. I guess they figured it was "extra" and they are a no-frills kind of team. The Cowboy quarterback was 11 of 19 for 99 yards and 3 interceptions, which gives him a quarterback rating of "mayonnaise".
Observations, Quick Hits, and Miscellany:
I was going to talk here about all of the new rules in college football this year, but given that this is an off year for the rules committee, there aren't any. And the ones proposed for next year don't seem all that interesting. So I was struggling to find something to talk about. Maybe write a diatribe about things that bug me, like when the lady at my work cafeteria calls my veggie omelet a "vomlet". No, I'm not a vegan, they just have really flaccid bacon and are always out of sausage.
And then Texas Tech comes along and drops a story in my lap. Sure, I am not going to phrase it as elegantly as this guy ... LINK. But I have to think that just below nut squeezing, this has to rank as one of the worst ideas in all of sports fandom.
Apparently, the Texas Tech student government, proving that no government at any level can do anything right, is calling on fans to be quiet during the game, especially during Longhorn possessions. They are even calling it "The Silent Scare". This is so laughably ridiculous that I don't know where to begin. First of all, you cannot get that many college students to be quiet. It is like shooshing a roomful of Skittled-up kindergarteners. You are going to have 2/3 of the group complying if you are lucky, but the other 1/3 trying to screw it up because they are upset at the sheer moronosity of the whole idea are going to be heard quite well throughout the stadium.
And silence isn't scary. Or else Baylor would have won a conference title by now. I suppose that silence when you get home past curfew and your dad is just sitting there on the couch staring at you and not saying anything is pretty scary. But not this. Please, if you are a Tech fan going to the game, do not succumb (wow, that's an uncomfortable word) to your president and remain silent. I actually want you to win this game.
But this also makes me think, whatever happened to the insanely loud stadium? I remember going to A&M games where it was so loud you couldn't hear anything. Games like this: LINK That was a home field advantage. I think people have become weaker fans. They go to a game, show up drunk, wear their Ed Hardy t-shirts, and plan aftergame parties and check Facebook on their iPhone. I'm calling on fans to be loud again. I don't care which school you went to. I don't care if it is my school playing your school. Have some football pride and come home hoarse. Make football fun again.
Total number of turnovers in the 12 games this week: 58 (only game with 0 was Tex-Wyo)
Total number of teams in Division I-A that have not yet been on TV: 1, Texas A&M (and they still aren't this week).
My band name of the week: "Bananus".
Couch Potato's Guide:
Kansas at Southern Miss 7:00PM Sep 17 on ESPN
Why to watch: You really can't wait another day to watch football.
Who will win: Seriously, I have no idea. I am going to guess Kansas slips back to football obscurity. Southern Miss wins 28 WTFs to 19 OMGs.
Iowa State at Kansas State 11:00 AM on FSN
Why to watch: Pretty soon, there won't be any more crappy Big XII North matchups to have to sit through. Oh, the games will still be crappy; there just won't be a Big XII North.
Who will win: Kansas State, 41 yawns to 17 random "those things" lasting longer than 4 hours.
Nebraska at Washington 2:30 PM on ABC
Why not to watch: Yard has to get mowed sometime and none of these 3 games in his 2:30 cluster look exciting.
Who will win: Nebraska, 45 John Deeres to 10 old push mowers
Hawaii at Colorado 2:30 PM on FCS
Who will win: Hawaii, 38 "Macadamia nuts" to 21 "Academia nuts"
Air Force at Oklahoma 2:30 PM on FSN
Who will win: Oklahoma, 37 "Couldn't think of anythingses" to 10 "Support the troops"
Baylor at TCU 3:30 PM on Versus
Why to watch: I suppose this will at least be interesting for a bit. TCU is a solid team, and Baylor has a strong quarterback. Much stronger than that red-headed ninny at TCU.
Who will win: TCU, 27 "We've got Jesus yes we do, we've got Jesus how bout yous" to 21 "Oh, darn it all to heck, we almost got ‘ems."
Texas at Texas Tech 7:00 PM on ABC
Why to watch: Lubbock. Night game. Rivalry. If you are going to watch one game, this week, this is it. Battles in Lubbock usually turn out to be good games. I think Tech is better than advertised, and I think Texas is worse. The smart money agrees with me as the line is only +3 and Texas is #5 playing an unranked team.
Who will win: Texas Tech, 35 "Shoosh Outs" to 33 "No, our quarterback wasn't on Little House on the Prairies"
Other games of no consequence:
San Diego State at Missouri
Who will win: Missouri 28 "Show Me States" to 17 "Wait, San Diego isn't a states"
Tulsa at Oklahoma State
Who will win: Oklahoma State 31 "close calls against average teams" to 29 "seriously? Who picks 29 as part of a football scores"
Florida International at Texas A&M
Who will win: Texas A&M, 51 "barn raisings" to 12 "gallons of churned butter"
If you see a lot of semicolons this week it is because MS Word keeps suggesting that I insert them. I actually have no idea when to use a semicolon; (<-ironically, it just inserted this one) in fact I always thought it was your small intestine;
Message Bored: Please post comments and discussions with other fans on the RaiderPower message board here: LINK
Facebook: I have a Facebook page setup, just search for "Psychoag" and look for the picture of me from the Leave Coach Fran Alone video. As of this writing, I have 256 fans, and I really enjoy the interaction. I know I forgot to start the game threads last week, but I will try and remember them this week.
Twitter: I have a Twitter account now so you can "Follow" my "Tweets". Just follow "Psychoag". I now have 21 followers, and am starting to see stuff you post to me. You can post stuff that I can see by putting "@Psychoag" in there somewhere. You can also put "#theretort" for anything related. I am new to this, so if you folks have suggestions, let me know.
Email: I actually got an email this week and responded. If you want to shoot me an email, you can get me at firstname.lastname@example.org
Random Shout Outs: "oldjohnny" on Texags.com for providing the link to the backhaul feed of the A&M game so I could watch the second half on my computer. "KT W" for emailing me. Redraiderfan21, DoubleTRaider and wormdood for the Twitter mentions. And of course, all of you on the Facebook page.