A terrible, terrible tragedy occurred in conjunction with the Texas Tech/Texas A&M football game, and I'm not talking about the questionable hit on Red Raider running back Eric Stephens. Nope, I'm referring to a wonton, scandalous, vandalous assault on a Texas A&M bus.
For those of you who've been living under a caprock the last several days, let me fill you in on the heinous details.
Sometime before the game a dastardly pack of marauding ne'er do wells—and everybody from Kent Hance to Wes Welker to Elmer Tarbox to Will Rogers is justifiably under suspicion—launched a sickening attack on the defenseless Aggie bus. They took a tankard of Kiwi Shoe Polish—and the color was sheep doo-doo brown for added insult!—and they scrawled several graffiti gravely offensive to dainty Aggie sensibilities on the winders of the innocent Aggie bus.
Now that right there is grounds some testy heart-to-heart with none other than Rick Perry, but the rampaging Red Raiders weren't done yet. Not by a long shot! As if smearing a sickly double T on the winders wasn't carnage enough, the miscreants had to go and dump a load o' Quanah Stink Bait in the floorboard of the bus!
Can you just imagine it?!
And the villains, who are still at large in the streets of Lubbock this very moment I'll have you know, must have been Tech insiders because gentleman Bill Byrne and his retinue had partaken of the all-you-can-eat catfish buffet at River Smith's the day of the game!
Lordy I'm here to tell ya' that Byrne and his retinue grew mighty green around the gills when they saw and smelled what those catfish had eaten sitting right there on the floorboard! Doesn't that just make you sick?!
I know for a fact that Byrne and the entire Aggie Nation were deeply traumatized and grievously peeved. Once he witnessed the ghastly holocaust in the van, Byrne required instantaneous suppository sedation and a glass of warm goat's milk. It was that bad folks.
Yes, my fellow Red Raiders, there is a foul pest a-plaguin' the land when our fair and saintly brethren from College Station, the veritable polar north of moral rectitude in the macroverse, cannot drive their busses through the streets of Lubbock without being set upon by shoe-polish wielding, stink bait slingin' barbarian Taliban actin' in the name of Texas Tech. I'm deeply ashamed and I know you are too.
I'm also appalled that the Texas Tech administration, rather sending an embassy of goodwill and lip-biting apology worthy of Bill Clinton to beg forgiveness for this vile atrocity, has had the effrontery to question Byrne and company. I mean just because the offending substances were shoe polish and stink bait rather than spray paint and fecal remnants as originally reported, and just because the unholy mess was cleaned up before most of the Aggie gang ever saw it, is no reason to question Byrne's probity.
My word, what will the Tech thugs do next? Threaten a peaceable Aggie corpsman with a saber? For the love of Jackie Sherrill, why can't we all just get along?
When matters got hot and bothered between a Cambridge, Massachusetts cop and a Harvard professor, President Barack Obama wisely called a beer summit where the aggrieved parties got together and sang We Are the World over a frosty pitcher of Miller Light. In that selfsame benevolent spirit, I propose a summit for Bill Byrne and Kent Hance with cherry Kool-Aid instead of beer, and the right honorable R. C. Slocum moderating.
What could be wrong with that?