The Weakly Retort

A Soft-Hitting Look at College Football

20/20 Hindsight

The Big XII had another great non-conference showing as Oklahoma was the only team that lost. Of course, they were also the only team that played a real opponent, so I can cut them some slack.


Texas Tech 80 – Sam Houston State 21

Texas Tech pounds the Bearkats into a gritty paste in a game where even their backup quarterback put up some pretty gaudy numbers. I don't know what a Bearkat is, but at this point, we may never know because it must be pretty unrecognizable. The scary thing is that Tech plays a WORSE team next week…


Texas A&M 66 – SMU 3

A game that starts out with some drama as the ponies keep it close turns into a laugher early in the second half. So according to Football Dummy Math 101, since A&M beat SMU 66-3, who beat TCU 21-10, who beat Oklahoma 17-10, who beat Tulsa 31-15, who beat North Texas 54-2, who beat Middle Tennessee State 14-7 (who hasn't beaten anybody). That means that if A&M played MTSU, we would win 203-47. Now THAT would be a game.


Texas 51 – Rice 10

The Longhorns continue to ride the wave of their Ohio State win as they "cook" Rice in Austin 51-10. (My dad must be so proud of me after that joke.) Vince Young looks good in limited duty as this one was decided pretty early. (See coin toss.)


Baylor 20 – Army 10

The Bears beat the Army (not the whole Army) to start the year 3-0 for the first time since 1996 and the students are dancing in the streets. I mean that figuratively, of course. To make things even better, they have an off week to enjoy it before beginning their annual beatings by the rest of the Big XII. Yes, I know they beat A&M last year, so don't email me about it.


Missouri 52 – Troy 21

The up and down Tigers play another high scoring game, this time defeating an Ancient Greek city-state. This season, Missouri and their opponents have combined to score an average of 71.3 points per game, which is almost as many as Texas Tech averages by itself.


Nebraska 7 – Pittsburgh 6

The Nebraska Passing Experiment continues to set the corn afire as Nebraska edges Pittsburgh while posting 93 whole passing yards. Fortunately, Rivera was available and struck out the side in the ninth to earn the save.


Oklahoma State 20 – Arkansas State 10

Oklahoma State continued their string of shaky games against sub-par teams from non-major conferences. It looks like Baylor may climb up out of that cellar after all. I can't wait for the big Baylor – OSU showdown…


Kansas 34 – Louisiana Tech 14

Kansas beat Louisiana Tech 34 to 14. What? Yes, that's it.


UCLA 41 – Oklahoma 24

The bright spot in this miserable non-conference season for the Sooners is that like a pimply teenager growing into their metaphoric own, they are finally able to shake their nerves and make a successful pass, with freshman Bomar completing 20 of 29 of them for 241 yards. However, while Bob Stoops might like blaming the officiating for his woes, he really should turn his attention to all of the fumbles and interceptions, as this season the Sooners have turned over more balls than a third year urology student.


My 98 Cents

I was originally planning on talking about sports superstitions here, but I think I will save that for next week when there are fewer games to recap.

Instead, I am going to go to the phones.

Jason in Huntsville, you are on the air. Hel-lo Jason. Jason? We lost Jason.

Okay, let's go to Vincent in Flower Mound, you're live on The Weakly Retort. Vince? No Vincent? Okay this is failing.

Let's take this a different direction. Is anyone else tired of Coachspeak? You know, where some clueless reporter asks a stupid question and the coach offers a canned answer to avoid generating bulletin board material? Sometimes they say things that just don't make sense, and drive me crazy.

Things like "We're taking it one game at a time." Really? How profound! I would be more amazed to see you take it two games at a time. In fact, if Tech were to play Sam Houston AND Indiana State, they might be able to actually pull that off.

Or "We really gave 110%." No. You didn't. You can't give 110%. It is physically impossible to give more than 100%. That's why it's 100%. What this means is that all of those times you thought you were giving "only 100%", that you were really giving more like 91%.

Now, unlike David Koresh, I don't claim to speak for God, but I'm pretty sure he DOES NOT CARE who wins football games. This one is directed more toward the players. Please stop saying that God was with you, or that God helped you score the game winning touchdown. I don't have a problem with a player giving glory to God for his talent and playing ability, or acknowledging the Almighty when he scores a touchdown, but don't act like he helped you win the game.

For crying out loud, look at Baylor. Don't you think they would be a little better? Wouldn't Baylor be playing Notre Dame every year in the title game? Wouldn't Duke and Wake Forrest be the worst teams in the NCAA. Well, there may be something there. But it doesn't matter if your team is the Devilville Satans, it simply won't affect the outcome of the game. Sure there might be a "fluke turnover" here and there, but not a game changing play. And don't tell me this is the reason that Texas Christian beat Oklahoma. That happened because Gary Patterson wore his lucky purple underwear.

Wouldn't sports be a lot more entertaining if the interviews were more like Pro Wrestling?


Looking Ahead

Not much going on this week as a few poor teams look to get pounded.


Indiana State at Texas Tech

This game is going to be such a bloodletting that even the radio broadcast will be rated M for Mature. I fully expect the clock to run continuously in the fourth quarter.


Texas State at Texas A&M

Another senseless pounding, as a game that has no business being scheduled has now been rescheduled. Offensive player of the week Reggie McNeal looks to rack up more empty numbers as the Ags win big in front of an empty stadium Thursday.


North Texas at Kansas State

This should be a mildly intriguing matchup as K-State has struggled so far this season, but North Texas has been terrible. Which should still be good enough for the Mean Grean to dominate the powerful Sunbelt Conference.


Iowa State at Army

The Army takes on the Cyclones with all of the effectiveness of FEMA. Unless a resurgent Iowa State stumbles on the road, this one should be over by halftime.


Colorado at Miami

Finally a game worth watching. Miami looks to take this one at home, but Colorado should at least make a game of it. And given the rest of the tripe the Big XII is offering this week, it is your best choice.

Next week I really do plan on discussing sports superstitions, so if you have any good luck rituals that you used as a fan or a player, email me at psychoag98@yahoo.com and let me know. I will include the best few in next week's column. Of course any emails and feedback are always welcome.


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