The Weakly Retort

A Soft-Hitting Look at College Football

The Big XII concludes its opening week which means I finally can get down to only reviewing six games a week rather than twelve. So let's get to it.

20/20 Hindsight:

Texas 51 – Missouri 20
The Longhorns look like the real deal as they roll again. This one started off close, and although Texas didn't play a very clean game, they were able to pull away in the end. I didn't see all of the game, but I'm pretty sure Mack Brown clapped a whole lot. Credit goes to the Horns for avoiding a letdown in a potential trap game. Freshman Jamaal Charles is going to be one heck of a player.

Texas A&M 16 – Baylor 13
Oh dear. In his post game press conference, Guy Morriss described this game as being "like showering with your sister". Now, I don't know what kind of intrafamilial weirdness goes on in Waco, but I can assure you that WATCHING this game was more like mud wrestling with your 350 pound Uncle Lester, in that it was painful, leaves you feeling dirty, and is illegal in all but 6 states. (Don't bother trying to figure out which states, I just made that up.)

Colorado 34 – Oklahoma State 0
This one gets ugly as Colorado blanks Oklahoma State 34 - 0. I don't mean "blanks" as a substitute for an obscene word, rather I mean that they shut them out. However, after looking at the stats, it appears that either way is equally appropriate.

Nebraska 27 – Iowa State 20
The Cornhuskers finally take to the air and win a nail biter in double-overtime. They finished with 431 passing yards and only 36 rushing yards. I'm sure many longtime Nebraska fans remember entire seasons where they didn't have 431 passing yards. I'm not sure Tommy Lee remembers what he had for breakfast.

Oklahoma 43 – Kansas State 21
In another moment of poorly thought out coachspeak, Kansas State Coach Bill Snyder said of his team "we got our fannies waxed". Ugh. My wife once made me get my back waxed before we went on vacation and I can tell you that I would rather sit through a six-hour baby shower for Guy Morriss' sister. But Bill, why the fanny? I would never wax a part of my body that 60% of people will never see. Hmm, I really should revise that number upward.

Texas Tech 30 – Kansas 17
The Raiders face their first test of the season against a team they struggled with last year and open conference play with a win. The Big XII opener for both teams was plagued with some sloppy line play, a lot of penalties, and much like Kansas Coach Mark Mangino's breakfast, it featured half a dozen turnovers. Still, the Raiders show they have some defense to go with their high powered offense and in a year where most of the conference seems to be down, they look to challenge the Longhorns for the Big XII South.

My 98 cents:

Football is a very confusing game to learn. There are so many different positions, plays, penalties and nuances to the game that take years to understand. But do we really have to make it MORE confusing by having all of the reused words? I haven't heard this many words with two meanings since I sat in front of a group of junior high students at a Farrelly Brothers movie.

"Tackle." Fairly simple, it is the basic purpose of the defense, and means to bring down the ball carrier. But it is also the name of an offensive player that plays toward the end of the line, and a defensive player that plays toward the center of the line. Could we not have thought of other names for these positions?

Or how about "Safety"? Safeties are your last line of defense, the defenders that make sure nothing gets behind them. But it is also a play where the defense tackles the offense in their own end zone and is awarded 2 points. Other than the fact that a safety can cause a safety, these two things have absolutely nothing to do with each other.

"Rush" means to carry the ball on a running play, but it is also what the defense tries to do to the quarterback on a pass play. I also hate their music.

Now, the "Line of Scrimmage" is the imaginary line where each play begins, even though a "scrimmage" is a meaningless game where it doesn't matter who wins (see also "Sunbelt Conference").

"Down" refers to one of four chances a team has to get ten yards, but it also refers to a player who has just been tackled. Additionally, it refers to the sudden heading of the Oklahoma State football program.

And finally, "end" refers not only to a guy that plays on the end of a line, but also what you are probably hoping this section of the column will soon do. And it will.

In summary, let me just say that it wouldn't hurt a sport called football where you primarily use your hands to come up with a few new words every now and then. And I don't mean words like "Crunk" and "Bowdy Bowdy".

Looking Ahead:

Kansas at Kansas State
The Jayhawks and the Wildcats battle for the state of Kansas as the rest of the country wonders if it is really worth fighting over. Kansas' program is somewhat on the rise, while the Staters seem to be headed downward. This could be the year where they finally cross each other's path. Well, unless Kansas beat Kansas State last year, but to be honest I didn't bother to look it up.

Oklahoma vs. Texas
The Red River Shootout. A few weeks ago it looked like Texas finally had its chance to get the monkey off their back, but Oklahoma looks to have finally started balancing their offense and now Texas looks to be vulnerable to the turnover. It is doubtful that Oklahoma pulls off the upset this year, but if Peterson breaks loose and Bomar proves accurate, then be prepared for the Longhorn bandwagon to jerk off in a ditch, cover themselves in $100 dollars worth of gasoline and yet suffer just minor burns because that only amounts to about 2.5 gallons.

Baylor at Iowa State
After a 3-0 start, the Bears hope to shake off an incestual shower and win their first conference road game against the inconsistent Cyclones. I hope that Baylor can pull this one out, because I would hate to hear about Morriss hopping in the shower with his brother Charlie the auto mechanic. Nonetheless, I think Iowa State is too powerful at home, so pass the soap, Charlie!

Missouri at Oklahoma State
Missouri has not been great so far this year, but Oklahoma State has been downright terrible. Even home cooking might not help as Missouri wins this one, but not by a big margin. See, I can be serious. Doody. Maybe not.

Texas Tech at Nebraska
Look for balls to be flying in Lincoln (insert another Tommy Lee joke here) as two high-flying offenses do battle. Tech hung 70 on Nebraska last year and the Cornhuskers look to get revenge. But I think Tech's familiarity with running a passing offense wins out in a game with a lot of total yards but a low score.

Texas A&M at Colorado
After struggling against two weaker opponents, A&M now takes their show on the road.

The Aggies beat the Buffalos at Kyle Field last year, but this year looks to be a different story. I highly recommend that the offensive players and defensive players don't take separate busses to this game because they haven't shown up together in a while. Fortunately for A&M, Colorado isn't known as a passing offense, but so far this year the A&M secondary (AKA "The Burn Unit") has made even mediocre quarterbacks look like Peyton Manning.

Well, that's it for this week. As always I can be reached at and I appreciate all comments and criticisms.

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