The Weakly Retort

A Soft-Hitting Look at College Football

It's TGI Friday and we all know what that means. It's time for the Downy Cuddly Soft-Hitting sports commentary brought to you free of charge by Psychoag and Week 2 of Big XII play, and the haves and have-nots are starting to pan out a little more. Let's see what happened.

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Kansas State 12 – Kansas 3
Wow, they really burned up the plains in this one. This recap is being brought to you by the Topeka Star Trek Fan and Hawaiian Tropic Model Convention, the only place in Kansas where you will find less scoring than this game. Kansas State pulls this one out despite racking up only 182 total yards of offense. At least they are getting their personnel pulled together, because against Oklahoma, they ended up giving up a safety on a punt play, mainly because they only had 10 guys on the field. To make matters worse, the missing guy was the PUNTER.

Texas 45 – Oklahoma 12
Discount Tire presents the Blowout of the Week as Texas finally takes out years of frustration on the struggling Sooners. The Longhorns took command early and ran away with it. Vince Young continues to put up Heisman like performances while Rhett Bomar and the Sooners continue to struggle. Of course, if you ask Bob Stoops, the reason his team lost was because of the momentum change after an OU interception was called back for pass interference, and the fact that they averaged 2.6 yards per play had nothing to do with it.

Baylor 23 – Iowa State 13
Baylor finally wins a Big XII game on the road in a game that can only be sponsored by Ex-Lax. After 10 years of straining, the Bears finally have found relief. Baylor coach Guy Morriss said, "It's another gorilla off our back." Guy, we don't know how many gorillas you had on your back, but I bet lugging a band of gorillas around (yes, it's called a "band", I looked it up) is still preferable to lathering up with sis, huh?

Missouri 38 – Oklahoma State 31
Much like the gas station attendant changing gas prices with his little suction cup on a stick, the Tigers continued to put up big offensive numbers. However, a defense that gives up 31 to Oklahoma State is not going to get it done, even in the Big XII North. What? No sponsor for this one? Fine, I'll kick a free shout out to Tampax. Hooray, Tampax!

Texas Tech 34 – Nebraska 31
The American Heart Association warns you to eat healthy, get plenty of exercise, and avoid watching Texas Tech road games. Easily the most exciting game of the week, the Red Raiders jumped out to a quick 21-0 lead before becoming wracked with guilt over last year's 70-10 Nebraska thrashing, and allowing the Huskers to climb back into the game in front of their Homecoming crowd.

In fact, Nebraska took a lead in the 4th quarter, and it looked like they had the game sealed when they intercepted Cody Hodges' pass, but the sure-handed defensive nose tackle Le Kevin Smith attempted to run with the ball, and a heady play by Bryan Kegans popped the ball loose, giving Tech a chance to win in the final seconds. What do you expect from a school with a slogan like "The N stands for Nowledge!"?

Colorado 41 – Texas A&M 20
Oh dear. This week, the Aggies' secondary is being brought to you by Alpine Lace Swiss Cheese, as Colorado had 211 passing yards and 21 points in the FIRST QUARTER. Our Pearle Vision Center Maroon Colored Glasses Game Stats: A&M outscored Colorado 14-10 in the second half and also had an 80 yard punt. Back on Earth, the word is out that since the Aggie defense is allowing 3rd down conversions at such a high rate not seen since the accuracy of the EPT Early Pregnancy Test, scouting reports are now suggesting that opposing coaches take a knee on 1st and 2nd downs.

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By now, you are probably wondering what the heck is going on with all of the shameless plugs. Simple. With people using TiVo to skip commercials and companies shifting to endorsements and naming rights as an advertising vehicle, I didn't want to be left out of the trend.

Advertising has always been a big part of sports. From the Nike Swoosh on the shoes and the jerseys to the signs plastered around the stadium, we are constantly inundated with companies trying to get us to select their brand of beer, clothing, or feminine hygiene product. Well, maybe not the last one.

Fortunately, college football has maintained some decorum and not yet subscribed to the NASCAR theory of advertising. However, almost as bad is the incessant need to sell the naming rights to everything.

First it started with stadiums. Most stadiums started out being named after people. You had Floyd Casey Stadium, Kyle Field, Folsom Field, etc. Then some genius found he could squeeze out more money by naming the field separate from the stadium, yielding convoluted names like Florida Field at Ben Hill Griffith Stadium, Shields-Watkins Field at Neyland Stadium, and my favorite, Joe Jamail Field and Darrell K. Royal Texas-Memorial Stadium.

Some even went a step further and took the corporate route, with the Red Raiders playing in Jones SBC Stadium, Louisville playing at Papa John's Stadium, Pittsburgh at Heinz Field, or Syracuse at the Carrier Dome.

But it didn't stop at playing surfaces, soon the games themselves had sponsors, like The Dr. Pepper Red River Shootout, or the SBC Cotton Bowl Classic.

The advertising beast is hard to satisfy, and it wasn't long before even parts of the games were named for corporate sponsors. The Valvoline Halftime report, the first down line, the Chevy Players of the game, or the ADT all-defensive play of the game.

Will it ever stop? How long before the announcers begin to namedrop in their play-by-play? Vince Young "Mrs. Baird's Dinner Rolls" out right looking for an "Alpine 450 Watt AV Receiver from the Home Theater Store", he "the all new Dodge's" one tackle, but stays on his "Just For Feet". He cuts like a "Ginsu Steakknife" back to the left where he finds a "Swanson's Hungry Man" downfield. He tosses it "Mentholatum Deep Heating" down field, where the receiver "U-Hauls" it in for a "Trust the Midas Touchdown!"

Vomit blood. That's the day I climb down in the bunker with the cans of Chunky Soup and wait for the apocalypse.

Miss Cleo's Looking Ahead

Kansas State at Texas Tech
The only doubt that remains about this game is whether Tech can finish with more points than Kansas State has yards. This one's on TV, and worth checking out, especially if you are one of those guys that slows down to look at auto accidents. The kind of accident you should always take to Service King Collision Repair.

Iowa State at Missouri
Iowa State plays a game of football against Missouri. Red Stripe, Hooray Beer!

Oklahoma State at Texas A&M
OSU brings the conference's worst offense to bear against the Aggies and the conference's worst defense in a game that could mean bad news for Coach Dennis Franchione if the Aggies drop this one at home. Better call Century 21, for all of your home buying and selling needs.

Colorado at Texas
The Time Life Books Civil War Chess Set brings you this battle between the best of the North and the best of the South. Only this time, it looks for more bleak for the North as Mack Brown and the Horns continue their run for the BCS championship. Definitely the best TV game this week in the Big XII. So, pull up your sofa from Rooms-to-Go, crack open an ice cold Budweiser, and enjoy some pretty good football.

Oklahoma at Kansas
Let's see, last week Oklahoma had 171 total yards, and Kansas had 236. Perhaps both coaches should consider Top Flight Max-Fli golf balls, for more distance every time, guaranteed. Perhaps both offenses should just line up at the 50 yard line and slap each other for 3 hours until someone gives up. Of course, with my record of predicting the score will be 63-50 and both teams will set school offense records.

Nebraska at Baylor
Nebraska tries to overcome a heartbreaking loss to Tech, while Baylor tries to ride the wave of an uplifting win against Iowa State in an emotional game that can only be brought to you by Prozac and that big, stupid phony, Dr. Phil. Remember what Dr. Phil says, "Showering with your family members is bad. That means it's not good. Stop doing it, okay." Make sure you remember it in a really loud, condescending voice, too.

Well, that's it for this week folks. As always, I look forward to your emails at If you want to sponsor a portion of this weekly diatribe, I'm sure the good folks at can work something out for you. If you have any questions you would like to see answered here next week, email those too. Guess what? I'm typing this in my underwear.

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