The Weakly Retort

A Soft-Hitting Look at College Football

20/20 Hindsight

Texas 42 – Colorado 17
The best of the South took on the best of the North, and much like in those Civil War reenactments where they drive to the battlefield in an authentic beat up Dodge Ram, the South came out on top. Vince Young continues his Heisman campaign by completing an amazing 25 of 29 passes for 336 yards and 2 touchdowns (plus 3 more on the ground). I continue to be impressed with how a guy that can't complete 40% of the blanks on a History test can complete over 80% of his passes, but he gets the job done, and the Longhorns are benefiting as they were ranked 2nd when the first BCS polls came out.

Texas A&M 62 – Oklahoma State 23
Last week: Ohhh nooo! The Aggies will never win another game. We are doomed! Doomed! Put Stephen McGee in. Fire the coaching staff. How long until basketball season?

This week: Whooohooop! Look out USC, the Aggies are going to win the national championship! Reggie McNeal for the Heisman!

Being an A&M football fan is a lot like being a teenage girl. Everything is either the greatest thing ever, or the end of the world, and you swear that the old guy in charge doesn't know anything. The nice thing is that you don't have to shave your legs. At least, you shouldn't, right?. Watch out for Freshman running back Jorvorskie Lane who rushed 22 times for 139 yards, several times carrying several defenders with him.

Missouri 27 – Iowa State 24
Certainly the most exciting game of the week as Missouri freshman quarterback Chase Daniel comes off of the bench in the fourth quarter to rally the Tigers back, and take down the Cyclones in overtime. I wonder what Iowa State Coach Dan McCarney thinks of Guy Morriss' sister.

Nebraska 23 – Baylor 14
Isn't college football great? A few years ago, a Nebraska – Baylor matchup in Waco would bring to mind carnage not seen since the Branch Davidians' famous cookout. (Too soon?) But here we are in a game that would actually have been pretty close if Baylor wasn't jobbed on a few pass interference calls. Nebraska won this one by going back to their roots and running the ball and wearing down the clock, with 51 rushes to only 32 passing attempts. I won't say yet that Air Husker has gone the way of Braniff, but you may want to cash your miles in while you still can.

Oklahoma 19 – Kansas 3
My, how the Sooners continue to fall, this time struggling in a game against the Jayhawks that was much closer than the final score indicates. Fortunately for Oklahoma, their defense was able to hold the pitiful Kansas offense to only 97 yards, including 11 yards on 22 rushing attempts. 11 yards? I could get 11 yards with 22 tries. Heck, that old dancing guy from the Six Flags commercials could get 11 yards on 22 carries. Unfortunately, the Sooners play in the Big XII South where, with the sudden resurgence of Baylor, OU could quickly find themselves in the cellar with in-state pals OSU.

Texas Tech 59 – Kansas State 20
This game started out much like an independent film, in that it was slow, rather confusing, and extremely boring. The only thing missing was a gay rodeo clown building a meth lab in his basement in a desperate attempt to win the approval of his crank-addicted stepfather. However, it fortunately did not end like an independent film, with everybody dying and 3 of the 4 attendees demanding their money back.

No, it soon took on the form of a Hollywood blockbuster with Cody Hodges providing the bombs, and Dwayne Slay providing the pyrotechnics. Hodges finished with a staggering 643 yards and 5 touchdowns, while Slay laid some hits that would make Roy Williams blush. Not to be overlooked was the day had by Taurean Henderson, who finished with 3 rushing touchdowns, and two in the air.

My 98 Cents

This week, I am going to take a mid-year break and answer some email that I have received. In most cases, I have already responded to the emailer, but I will post the same answer here.


I enjoy your weekly column, and have e-mailed it to friends who have a dog in the big 12 fight. Was wondering, what other names you kicked around before arriving at "The Weekly Retort" as the name of your column? With your obvious creativity it seems that you could come up with a more creative name for what is a great column.

Continued success!
-- "bluenorther"

Dear blue,

The name is actually a mistake that evolved from another source. When I worked at Motorola, we were required to submit "Weekly Reports" to management and send copies to our coworkers so they would know what all was going on.

After a few weeks, I started insulting smart-alec comments, jokes, etc. in my Weekly Report. My boss told me that he enjoyed it, but upper management may not see the humor. So, I split it into to, the Weekly Report which was the barebones version and the Weekly Retort, which was the humorous version.

It grew to where I was adding rants and articles to the end of the Weekly Retort and I eventually started archiving them on my website ( When I no longer updated it "weekly", I changed the name to The Weakly Retort, which amused me even more because it isn't grammatically correct. (The Weak Retort or To Weakly Retort would be more correct, by the way.)

Well, when I submitted my first untitled article to Raiderpower, they saw "The Weakly Retort" in my signature at the bottom and thought that was the name of my column and came up with a graphic and everything else. In my first column, they even put my signature as part of the article. I figured it was too much of a hassle to change it and just left it.

I suppose I would have called it "My 98 Cents", "The Asylum with Psychoag", or "Mary Lou Retton's Sweaty Left Buttock"...



Dear Sigh Choge 98:

As a regular reader of your column, I must now inform you that I will no longer subject myself to your mindless prattle -- your "drivelity," if you will -- any longer. How DARE you insult the Oklahoma State Cowboys!

You KNOW how important this team is to me! Sounded like you was trash talkin' inbreeding, too!! You have a lot of nerve, tuff guy. I'm comin' over to muss you up real bad. Just soons I return my order from Taco Bueno. That @*&$%!! put cheese in my queso.

-- "dopugh"

Dear dopugh,

Try Raisin Bran. It will help you make poopy.



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Dear Internet,

I have no idea what you are talking about, but I can assure you that I do not need any X-10 modules to spy on the babysitter, I am not interested in your "C1al1s and V1agra ch3ap ch3ap!", I don't want to "ref1nace my m0rtgage", and I am perfectly satisfied with the whole of my being, and the current proportionality thereof.

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Looking Ahead

Nebraska at Missouri
Two teams tied for the Big XII North lead do battle at 11:30 on Fox Sports Net in a game that should be pretty exciting in determining the overall conference picture. A great game to sit and watch if you have a small yard and get up early enough, or if you care about the Big XII North.

Oklahoma State at Iowa State
The worst team in the Big XII South takes on the worst team from the Big XII North. I couldn't be this disinterested in something if the Oak Ridge Boys put out a sex tape. Still, I think Iowa State wins by a few scores because yes, "dopugh", Oklahoma State is that bad.

Texas A&M at Kansas State
Inconsistent middle of the pack South team seeks inconsistent middle of the pack North team for an afternoon get together. Must enjoy violent mood swings, a spongelike defense (in the sense that it is full of holes, not in that it absorbs anything), and being constantly reminded of a game that happened almost a decade ago. (Big XII Championship. Scoreboard, baby.) This one is on the radio, which means if you tune it, you will be frustrated by the confusing game descriptions of Dave South. Unless you are an A&M fan, you should probably skip this one, and watch…

Texas Tech at Texas
By far the marquee matchup of the week, and the one you don't want to miss. This one will likely decide the Big XII, so get up early and finish your chores so you can plop it on the couch at 2:30 with your TV tuned to ABC. However, be sure to bring the Pepto Bismol in case Brent Musburger is calling this one and you have to listen to him heap manlove upon Vince Young for 3 hours. In fact, if you have enough beer, might I suggest "the Brent Musburger Drinking Game"? Try a Google search. I don't endorse anything you do afterward, including calling up ex-girlfriends. Yes, you will be that drunk.

Baylor at Oklahoma
An intriguing 6:00 FSN matchup that puts a team on the rise against a team on a (probably temporary) death spiral. Given that the game is played in Norman, I give the edge to the Sooners, but don't count those feisty Baptists out yet, we saw what TCU was able to do up there. Regardless of the outcome, expect a lot of whining and headset throwing out of the increasingly non-jovial Bob Stoops.

Kansas at Colorado
The struggling Jayhawks take on the North-leading Buffalos in a game that has blowout written all over it. I mean that figuratively of course. The only hope that Kansas Coach Mark Mangino has is to keep the Colorado offense off of the field by eating the clock. Unfortunately for the Jayhawks, in this case I'm being literal.

Well, that's it for another week. As always, you can contact me at . Comments and criticisms are always welcome. Even from "dopugh".

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