The Weakly Retort

A Soft-Hitting Look at College Football

Week 9, huh? Well, let's get right to it, shall we? Answer me, dadgummit. *Sigh* Fine...

20/20 Hindsight

Missouri 41 – Nebraska 24
A tale of two football teams. In this game, Brad Smith, by himself, rushed for 234 yards. The vaunted Nebraska offense? -2 rushing yards. That is not a hyphen to indicate a bullet point; it is a negative sign. (Not that +2 yards would be all that much better.) The Cornhuskers were led in absolute value of rushing yards by their quarterback, who ran 6 times for -46 yards. That's -7.7 yards per carry! You can just fall down and do better than that. Roger Ebert could do better than -7.7 yards per carry. Heck, Stephen Hawking could do better than that. Where have you gone Eric Crouch?

Iowa State 37 – Oklahoma State 10
Raise your hand if you haven't beaten Oklahoma State. Yes, I know it is "just a down year", but I saw a group of cattle ranchers protesting their smearing of the name "Cowboys". Dude, I just ate like 25 Vanilla Wafers.

Texas A&M 30 – Kansas State 28
A&M takes the lead early in this one with a lot of help from the Wildcats who were picking up personal fouls faster than a blindfolded Shawn Bradley in a church league game, finishing with 5 of the 15-yarders. However, KSU made a game of it late, scoring 20 points in the fourth quarter, but falling just short as the Ags beat K-State for the 5th straight time, and pick up just the third road win under Coach Franchione.

Colorado 44 – Kansas 13
The game was only 16-13 at the half, as the Buffalos toyed with the Jayhawks before moving in for the kill. Colorado had 4 passing touchdowns, a safety, a blocked punt returned for a touchdown, and an unblocked punt returned for a touchdown. They were a field goal and a QB sneak away from hitting for the cycle, and leave Kansas winless in the Big XII. Watch out for this Mark Klopfenstein, as he is the real deal. Colorado knows more about exploiting big tight ends than Sir Mix-A-Lot.

Oklahoma 37 – Baylor 30
The Sooners are forced to use their 4th string running back, the diminutive Jacob Gutierrez, who darts and rumbles for a surprising 173 yards and 2 touchdowns. However, even though the water was running, the Bears refused to climb into the shower just yet, scoring a late touchdown and a two-point conversion to send it into overtime. They trade field goals to send it to a second OT where the Sooners finally come out on top, leaving Baylor to ask "Hey Sissy? You ain't gonna shave your legs with my razor, are you?" Thank you, Guy Morriss, for providing me with so many jokes from one poorly chosen comment.

Texas 52 – Texas Tech 17
Well, the battle of the unbeatens didn't have all of the flair that I expected, as Tech looked good early, but were no match for the mighty Longhorns. To be fair to Tech, it doesn't look like anybody is going to be Texas this year, unless it is in the Rose Bowl. The Red Raiders were able to pick off Vince Young twice early and racked up a lot of yards, but the Longhorn defense stood tough and Tech just couldn't find the end zone. In case you missed it, Mike Leach squinted a lot and Mack Brown clapped a lot, and viewers across America plotted the untimely demise of the nausea-inducing Brent Musburger.

My 98 Cents

How good is Texas? Only time will tell, as they seem to be unstoppable. However, I compiled a team of our friends from the 80s that just might be able to do it.

In my fantasy 3-4 defense, you would have rap music's "The Fat Boys" backed up by that rugged quartet known as "The A Team". Given that, I do, in fact, pity the fool who tries to run between the tackles. The defensive backfield would consist of U2, four guys that can cover anything they want, and do it well.

Over on the offensive side, you would have Bayside High's AC Slater getting the play call from MacGyver (the offensive coordinator) and handing off to the over-moustached Magnum PI, running through holes opened up by Hulk Hogan, Andre the Giant, Sgt. Slaughter, The Junkyard Dog, and Abdullah the Butcher. Yes, they would really block. Split out wide would be Max Headroom, the still living guy from Milli Vanilli, Alf, and MC Hammer just because I wanted to work them in somehow.

The Karate Kid's Daniel Larusso would of course handle the kicking duties, although he may have to ditch that Crane Kick garbage because it is too slow, and one of these days he is going to get one blocked. And who would coach this rowdy bunch? Why, Charles of course! And why is that? Because I want Charles in Charge.

And you thought Mack Brown could recruit. Puh-lease. Bring it on.

Looking Ahead

Oklahoma at Nebraska
Years ago this would be a classic rivalry matchup to determine a conference champion, but this year it has been relegated to just another meaningless game for two rebuilding teams. This one is on ABC at 11:00 and could be one of the closest games of the week. Look for the teams to trade traditional places, as the once spread-offense Sooners rack up big yards on the ground, while the once ground-bound Cornhuskers go to the air. It'll be kind of like Freaky Friday where the mom and the daughter trade places, only it will be on Saturday and it's two schools playing football.

Texas Tech at Baylor
A potential trap game for the Red Raiders, a road trip to Waco in between games against the Longhorns and the Aggies. Still, even with the sudden resurgence of the Bears, they don't yet have the defensive firepower to hang with the Raiders. This one is on FSN at 11:30 and should be worth tuning in to see if Tech can bounce back from last week against a scrappy Bears team. Oh, I totally forgot about Scrappy, you know, Scooby-Doo's cousin that is eerily articulate for a 14 inch tall dog? He can be on my 80s football team too. He can hold on field goals.

Missouri at Kansas
Not on TV, but should be worth checking out some of the highlight recap shows to watch Brad Smith run. Unless Seinfeld is on. That Kramer cracks me up. Did you see the one where he was eating in the shower. That was hilarious. Okay, I admit, this summary is a total give-up. But it's like 11:30 on Thursday night and I just can't get myself motivated to say anything funny about a game I don't care about while Axl Rose screeches on about some nonsense in the background on Yahoo! Radio.

Colorado at Kansas State
Another Big XII North pounding not deemed appropriate for television. Colorado still looks like the North favorite, and should win this one handily. I'm feeling a bit warm and my face is tingling. I think they were technically "Nilla Wafers". I don't know where the "Va" went, but I'm beginning to think that those stupid Keebler Elves are trying to poison me.

Iowa State at Texas A&M
The Aggies need to win this game to become bowl eligible, especially with Tech, OU, and Texas up on the horizon. Iowa State is out of the conference race with 3 losses, but still can reach a bowl with two more wins. This one will be tough at Kyle Field, but we all know that A&M is now trotting out the slogan "Building Heisman Candidates", which unfortunately has been adopted by the defense rather than the offense. Look for Iowa State to rack up some yards, but for the new power-running attack of the Aggies to win on the scoreboard. Check it out on ABC at 2:30.

Texas at Oklahoma State
The best team in the Big XII against the worst team in the Big XII at 6:00 on TBS. This is going to be even more of a beat-down than one of those made for TBS movies about natural disasters that can never really happen, like 5000 foot tidal waves, or Category 12 hurricanes, or a herd of moose that crap beat-up Buicks. This one will probably not be worth seeing unless you just have a sick sense of curiosity.

Well, that's all folks. Not many good games on TV this week, so I advise that you watch your team play and then get some chores done. If you don't hear from me again, then know that the Elves got me, and keep up the fight. Emails with criticisms, praise, or even just some interesting comments can be sent to . No towels, need sleepy. I'm not even proofreading.

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