The Weakly Retort

A Soft-Hitting Look at College Football

20/20 Hindsight

Iowa State 42 – Texas A&M 14
Poop.

Oklahoma 31 – Nebraska 24
The Sooners rejuvenated ground game gets a boost from the return of Adrian Peterson (147 yards, 2 TD) while Air Husker just can't quite keep up and lose back to back home games for the first time since 1968. No, I didn't do much research, I just read that on ESPN.com. Still, with 267 passing yards and a whopping 16 yards on the ground, the Nebraska offense is showing less balance than Roger Ebert in stiletto heels.

Texas Tech 28 – Baylor 0
Texas Tech's defense stepped up to help the struggling offense by pitching the Red Raiders' first shutout in more than 3 years, giving Tech their 10th straight win over Baylor. (Yeah, I got that from ESPN, too.) Tech led just 6-0 to start the 4th quarter, but posted 22 in the final frame, prompting Senior Taurean Henderson to opine with the highly confusing statement, "[You] can't never be nervous." It's okay, English is tough.

Kansas 13 – Missouri 3
Are you beginning to understand why you should not come to me for real sports information? Last week I told you about how Brad Smith was going to have a great game against the Jayhawks, filled with highlight plays and what-not. He then proceeded to go out and pass for 141 yards, and rush for a mere 38. You also should not come to me for Lotto numbers, as last week I told you to pick: 6, blue, -3, Carlos, knuckle, and Velveeta.

Colorado 23 – Kansas State 20
The Buffaloes win on a last second 50-yard field goal by Mason Crosby to stay in the driver's seat in the Big XII North. The play was set-up by Jermaine Moreira's muff with 55 seconds remaining, which prompted KSU's Tearrius George to utter the even more confusing statement "I think I heard my heart crack." Don't worry, Anatomy is tough, too.

Iowa State 42 – Texas A&M 14 (cont.)
To expand on my earlier statements, just what is going on down there at Texas A&M? True Freshman Jorvorskie Lane has weeks of 139 and 98 yards rushing, yet in this game he only gets 4 carries for 22 yards. Meanwhile Stevie Hicks (which I can't say without laughing) piles up 122 yards and two scores and Todd Blythe (which I can't say without crying) hauls in 8 passes for 4 TDs and 214 yards. Meanwhile Coach Botox maintained his ever-stoic presence on the sideline, all the while wondering if the vending machines would be restocked with Little Debbies by Monday.

Texas 47 – Oklahoma State 28
Holy crap! After watching USC, Mack Brown decided that the way to be a consensus champ in the polls is to suck really bad for the first half and then come back and destroy the opponent in the second. Do you remember in Rocky IV, when Rocky came out and kept hitting the Russian, and the big dude just kind of look disinterested and absorbed everything that Rocky had until the coach said "Da dijmoniski" or some nonsense like that, and then Drago just really started beating the mess out of Rocky, and just when it looked like Rock was done, he took it to another level and fought with heart and somehow won and Brigitte Neilsen was all mad and hating on Ivan and stuff, but the rest of the country was like "Ya, America!" and there was world peace and they melted all of their nuclear weapons into plowshares or whatever, and Rocky says to his kid, "I love you, Kid" because he was pounded in the head so many times he couldn't remember his name? Yeah, that was nothing like this game.


My 98 Cents

Ahh, this is the week where my conflict of interest heads its ugly rear. The Aggies versus the Red Raiders. My Alma Mater versus my "employer", in a game that will probably be as ugly as Joe versus the Volcano.

So, I have accepted the fact that the game probably won't go so well and plan on just heading out to Lubbock and having a good time taking in the pageantry of college football and all that implies.

I will definitely be doing the tailgating thing, and it sounds like the place to be is on the East side of the stadium next to a bus. I hope to see a lot of you out there for some food, fun, and fellowship. I also hope it isn't a short bus.

I will be the tall guy with the goatee wearing the faded 12th Man jersey, but I strongly advise you don't walk up to random people meeting that description and ask "Are you Psycho?"

On a separate note, I am proposing a wager to my hosts here at Raiderpower.com (that they are reading about shortly before you are) on the outcome of this little game. Next week's column will be started off by a 4"x6" picture of the scoreboard, regardless of the outcome. If A&M wins, then it is my chance to gloat a little bit. If Tech wins, then the giant double-T will be my scarlet letter for a week.


Looking Ahead

Texas at Baylor
This one kicks off at 11:30 on Fox Sports Net. Actually, it will probably be more like 11:37 so they can have time to give you the Ford Truck "Keys to the Game." Here are mine. Texas: 1. Show up on time. 2. Don't eat the Mahi-Mahi. 3. Make sure Mack remembers to clap a lot. Baylor: 1. Put 8 in the box to try and stop the run. 2. Drop 8 into coverage to try and stop the pass. 3. Figure out how to get 16 players on the field. 4. Wash. Rinse. Repeat.

Nebraska at Kansas
Man, Dr. Phil is such a phony. All he ever does is say common sense things really loud and slow, and then people act like he is all wise. You know, he will ask some lady why she and the kids are having problems with her husband and she will say "He beats us" and then Phil will say "Don't beat your family. Beating your family is not good." Then Oprah will nod and everyone will applaud. Here is my try (make sure your internal monologue reads this really loud and slowly). "Hey Coach Mangino. Don't eat your family. Eating your family is not good." You're welcome.

Kansas State at Iowa State
I'm granted one give-up per week, right? I'm using it here. No, the Dr. Phil bit doesn't count, I worked hard on that. What the heck is up with the NHL showing hockey games on the Outdoor Life Network? That makes about as much sense as airing cooking shows on Animal Planet (joke excludes Korea).

Missouri at Colorado
The winner of this game probably punches their ticket to the Big XII championship game and a chance to get trampled by the Longhorns. This one is on ABC at 2:30, and may be worth checking out if you don't know what "Y'all" means. Look for Colorado to win big, although stranger things have happened in the logjammed Big XII North. My spellchecker says "logjammed" isn't a word. It suggests "logjam med". I love technology.

Texas A&M at Texas Tech
I have a bad feeling about this one. I have been to five straight A&M-Tech games in Lubbock and each time I was sure that A&M was going to win. And they didn't. This year, I cannot even muster unbridled optimism. Tune into Fox Sports Net at 6:00 as A&M is going to try and grind out the clock by keeping the ball on the ground, while Tech is going to air the ball out. Given that Tech has the #1 rated passing offense, and A&M has the #115 rated passing defense (out of 117), Tech has a good chance of being the first team in NCAA history to rack up over a mile of passing yardage in a single game.


As always, the author can be contacted with comments and criticism at psychoag98@yahoo.com. Stay away from trans fats. Pepsi contigo esta.


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