The Weakly Retort brings you another edition of the Weakly Retort. This soft-hitting look at college football will touch on several issues that plague the college football world, as well as preview this week's game.

Lots of boring games last week, but lots of potentially great ones this week.  Plus I introduce the Weakly Retort Fan Laws.  Feel free to discuss them or add your own in the Raiderpower forums.

20/20 Hindsight

There isn't a lot to say during these early season snoozers, so I will mainly stick to the marquee games, and games of interest.  Plus, there are 12 games every week, and I'm not that creative.

Ohio State 24 - Texas 7
Playmakers.  Playmakers.  Playmakers.  It all comes down to playmakers.  And special teams.  And defense.  And turnovers.  And time of possession.  And the offensive line.  But mostly?  Playmakers.  Last year, the Longhorns had the ultimate playmaker, Vince Young, and it showed.  This year, even though the rest of the team is the same or better, Ohio State just had more playmakers.  (I'm really hoping someone does a Yahoo search for "Playmakers" and then decides to buy a thong.)  Texas will win a lot of games this year against good teams because they are strong at every position, but against great teams, you have to have what?  That's right, Playmakers.  And Britney Spears New Baby Viagra Porn Steve Irwin Dancing With The Stars Tupac.

Oklahoma 37 – Washington 20
The defense started to wake up in the second half, and with Adrian Peterson and Paul Thompson beginning to show some balance on the offensive side of the ball, the Sooners are looking to forget all about Rhett Bomar.  In fact, if you ask them about their former quarterback, they respond "Frankly, my dear, we don't give a damn."  I hate myself for writing that.

Baylor 47 – Northwestern 10
I am tired of writing stuff for games against Div I-AA teams, so to make things interesting, I will completely ignore the game and merely offer an interesting bit of trivia.  For example, banging your head against a wall burns 150 calories an hour.

Colorado State 14 – Colorado 10
Oh dear.   It doesn't look good for the Buffaloes.  Not only do they not realize that the plural of "buffalo" is "buffalo", it looks like this season they may not realize that they plural of "win" is "wins".

Missouri 34 – Ole Miss 7
The Tigers are looking to be a solid power in the North as Chase Daniel follows up his school-record 5 TD outing with one passing TD and another rushing this week.  Slacker.  But hey, if someone has to win the Big XII North, Missouri figures, why not us?

Texas Tech 38 – UTEP 35 (OT)
If Texas Tech were a professional wrestler, rest assured they would not be one of the Road Warriors.  For a team that so thoroughly dominates the Hulk Hogans on their home turf, they seem to struggle with the Doink the Clowns when they leave the friendly confines of Jones Stadium.  Maybe UTEP was right, maybe it was because Lubbock is flat and El Paso has mountains, but Tech struggled mightily in the second half and won in overtime on a field goal that clanked off the upright and bounced in.  Snap into a Slim Jim.  Brother.

Kansas 21 – ULaMon 19
The Jayhawks survive a late rally as the Warhawks fail on a two-point conversion to tie.  Wow.  Lots of hawks in this one.  Hawks are kind of mean, I guess.

Oklahoma State 35 - Arkansas State 7
Oklahoma State continues to pile up moral victories before Big XII play starts.

Kansas State 45 – Florida Atlantic 0
Yeah, is Florida Atlantic even a real school?  That name sounds made up to me.  Even worse, someone else is playing them this week.

Nebraska 56 – Nicholls State 7
Guess what?  I don't have a uvula.  Seriously, I don't.

Iowa State 16 – UNLV 10

The Cyclones won on a controversial call as UNLV's final pass was ruled incomplete even though a Rebel player came out of the scrum with the football.  The UNLV players and coaches were so angry that they didn't leave the field for 15 minutes after the game ended.  Yeah, that works.

Texas A&M 51 – ULaLa 7
A&M completely dominated University of Louisiana-Lafayette, with the Ragin' Cajuns only completing 2 passes for 17 yards and racking up 154 total yards.  But really, was anyone thinking this was a trap game that was going to catch the Aggies looking ahead to Army after their emotional opening win over The Citadel?  At least the backups got to play a lot.

What's in a Name?

RWoody03 on Raiderpower wondered aloud (atype?) whether there is any correlation between the name of a school and how likely they are to succeed.  Given that I occasionally desire to do a little bit of research, I sorted all of the schools into categories and looked at what percentage of that group was ranked in the Top 25.  Real scientific, huh?  Good thing I'm not the one telling you that Splenda is safe.

University of            :

Pure:  Alabama, Arizona, Arkansas, California, Colorado, Connecticut, Florida, Georgia, Hawaii, Idaho, Illinois, Indiana, Iowa, Kansas, Kentucky, Maryland, Michigan, Minnesota, Missouri, Nebraska, Nevada, New Mexico, North Carolina, Ohio, Oklahoma, Ole Miss, Oregon, South Carolina, Tennessee, Texas, Utah, Virginia, West Virginia, Washington, Wisconsin, Wyoming

City States:
  University of Alabama-Birmingham, University of California-Los Angeles, University of Louisiana-Lafayette, University of Louisiana-Monroe, University of Nevada-Las Vegas, University of Texas-El Paso

  11/42 ranked, or 26%  (goes up to 30% if you disown the little brother schools)


Pure:  Arizona State, Arkansas State, Colorado State, Iowa State, Florida State, Kansas State, Louisiana State, Michigan State, Mississippi State, New Mexico State, North Carolina State, Ohio State, Oklahoma State, Oregon State, Penn State, Utah State, Washington State

Not State States:
  Ball State, Boise State, Fresno State, Kent State, San Diego State, San Jose State

Schools that couldn't change their name from A&M to State like everyone else:
  Texas A&M

  2/24 ranked, or 8%  (goes up to 11% if you require the state to be found on a map)


Pure:  Georgia Tech, Louisiana Tech, Texas Tech, Virginia Tech

Verdict:  2/4 ranked or 50%  (Hooray, small sample size!)

City Schools:

Pure:  Akron, Auburn, Boston College, Buffalo, Cincinnati, Clemson, Houston, Louisville, Memphis, Miami, Miami Ohio, Pittsburgh, Syracuse, Toledo, Tulsa

  4/15 ranked or 27%

Name Schools and Academies:

Air Force, Army, Baylor, Bowling Green, Brigham Young, Duke, Marshall, Navy, Notre Dame, Purdue, Rice, Rutgers, Southern Methodist, Stanford, Temple, Texas Christian, Troy, Tulane, Vanderbilt, Wake Forest

  2/20 ranked or 10%

Directional Schools:

Central Michigan, East Carolina, Eastern Michigan, Florida Atlantic, Florida International, Middle Tennessee, North Texas, Northern Illinois, Northwestern, South Florida, Southern Miss, University of Central Florida, USC, Western Michigan

  1/14 ranked or 7%

It looks like the Techs have it, but they are benefited by the small sample size.  Among the larger group, it looks like the "city schools" just edge out the "Universty ofs".  Not surprisingly, the Directional Schools finished dead last.  Holy cow, this is so meaningless, but I am going to leave it in anyway because I spent so dadgum long figuring it out.  No more research, I'll just make stuff up from now on.

Fan Laws:  We the People

Some people drive me nuts.  This security guard I used to work with came up to me after the A&M-Texas game last year and said, "Ha!  We kicked your @$$."  First of all, I was wondering why the security team felt the need to assault me given that I consider myself a model citizen, and secondly, I was wondering why I didn't remember such a thrashing.  He then flashed a "Hook ‘Em Horns" hand sign and started laughing.  Normally, I would just dismiss this, but after some thought, I replied, "Weren't you the same guy that said ‘We kicked your @$$' after the A&M-Oklahoma game last year?"  He responded, "That was last year.  Texas is going all the way this year."  This clown is the reason behind my first Weakly Retort Fan Law.

Fan Law #1:
  You cannot use the term "we" when describing a team unless you attended said school.

Corollary:  There can be no multiple "we usage".  If you attended more than one school, you must select one of them and forsake all others.  It doesn't matter which one you graduated from. 
Familial Exception:  If you have an immediate family member attending the school, you may use the term "we".  However, you must reference your family member at least once during the conversation. Cousins don't count.  Step-siblings don't count.
Residential Exception:  If you spent over 8 years living within 50 miles of a school, you may be granted "we status by proxy".  If you ever purchased season tickets, then the residency requirement is cut by one year per season, down to a minimum of 4.
Long-Time Fan Exception:  If you have been a known associated fan of a school for more than 10 consecutive years, including a least one losing season, you may be granted "long-time fan status" and are allowed to use "we" in referring to the team.  At least 3 witnesses must verify your association.
Religious Exception:  Catholics can "we" Notre Dame, and Mormons can "we" BYU, because no matter how much it drives me insane, they are going to do it anyway.  Baptists can only "we" Baylor if they don't follow college football much.

My sports-inept boss believes that no one should ever use "we" when referring to a college sport team, because "it is just a school, you're an adult now."  He is allowed to use "we" when referring to wet-blanket buzz kills.  A couple of people have sent in their own fan laws, and I will try to discuss them in upcoming weeks.  The funniest one I received, came from Randy H. and said,

"If you bring your woman to the game and she has to excuse herself more than once during the game, on her second return trip she must remove her clothes at the beginning of the row and lap dance her way back to her seat." 

Should be interesting at University of Colorado games in November.  Not interesting at all at West Virginia home games.  Check out the merchandise link at the bottom for new Weakly Retort Fan Law inspired merchandise.

Topic Number 3

There is no Topic Number 3 because I spent so freaking long looking up and typing in 119 Division I-A schools just to make a point that doesn't make a lot of sense.  This will get better when Big XII play starts because there will only be 6 recaps and 6 previews.

Looking Ahead

Lots of Big XII action on the tube this weekend.  I'll be your rudder steering you through the icebergs and helping you find the couch potato Promised Land.  That makes sense.

Iowa State at Iowa  11:00 AM on ESPN
Why:  Intrastate rivalry games always make for interesting television.
Why not:  That state is Iowa, and nobody from Iowa reads this.

Marshall at Kansas State  11:30 AM on FSN SW
Why:  The Iowa – Iowa State game has only been on 30 minutes, and is probably already a blowout.
Why not:  You want to get the yardwork done before the good games come on.

Oklahoma at Oregon  2:30 PM on ABC
Why:  An early season treat that matches similarly ranked teams #15 Oklahoma and #18 Oregon should make for some good football.
Why not:  You went to Tech and have a really big yard.

Texas Tech at TCU  4:30 PM on OLN
Why:  Another evenly matched game as #24 Texas Tech looks to shake off a poor showing last week by opening it up against #20 TCU.
Why not:  You are going to be at the game like me.  Go sports!

Texas at Rice  5:00 PM on ESPN2
Why:  You want to see Texas take out its frustration of losing to Ohio State on poor, hapless Rice.
Why not:  You're squeamish.  Your diploma says "Rice University".

Arizona State at Colorado  6:00 PM on TBS
Why:  You are one that not only slows down for car wrecks, but tailgates for them.
Why not:  You don't believe in euthanasia and can't bear to watch the once mighty Buffaloes struggle for life.

Nebraska at USC  7:00 PM on ABC
Why:  More week 3 goodness as #4 USC hosts #19 Nebraska.
Why not:  You haven't eaten yet from watching football all day.

Army vs. Texas A&M  8:15 PM on ESPN2
Why:  You want to see the mass confusion ensue when A&M segues from the yell "Old Army Fight" right into "Beat the Hell Outta Army".
Why not:  You're Cindy Sheehan.

Non-Televised Games:
Baylor vs. Washington State  4:00 PM
Florida Atlantic at Oklahoma State  6:00 PM
Missouri at New Mexico  7:00 PM

Be the first on your block to check out our new Weakly Retort Merchandise!  This week, a new t-shirt was added, inspired by the very first FAN LAW.  More will continue to be added in coming weeks.

If you would like to comment on something, or just call me an idiot, you can email me at .  Be sure to put RAIDERPOWER in the subject line so that I can see it if it gets caught in the overzealous vortex known as the Yahoo Spam Filter.  Once I get an email from you, I will add you to my address book so that you can slide through the abyss with impunity.

You can also discuss with your fellow posters here.

Until next week,


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