The Weakly Retort brings you another edition of the Weakly Retort. This soft-hitting look at college football will touch on several issues that plague the college football world, as well as preview this week's game.

Okay.  This week is going to be a little bit disjointed because I am out of town for work.  My sports retarded boss felt the need for us to attend some engineering conference where a bunch of dorks sit around and talk about stuff they have done and try not to break their wrists patting themselves on the back.  To top it off, the skin flint wouldn't spring for a lap top so I have to do this on my PDA using the voice recognition software.  So far so good.  Don't blame me for any screwed up punctuation.  All right class, let's grease ourselves up, and get ready to wrestle.

20/20 Hindsight

Washington State 17 - bailiff 15
What the heck.  I didn't say bailiff, I said bailer.  That's not right either. Backspace backspace backspace. No, don't write backspace, just do it you piece of.  Oh, dam it all to help.  I can't use this stupid thing.  Anyway, the bee school loses on a late field goal in a sloppy game where each team turned it over four times, and the bears only mustard negative ten rushing yards.

Texas A and M 28 - Army 24
This game was supposed to be a blowout, but ended up being a hard fought battle that came down to the last play.  I got the impression that instead of just doing what was natural, coach fran tried to get too cute with his game plan and in the end, almost got burned.  In that sense, it was not unlike Meg Ryan, who instead of just staying natural, tried so hard to be cute that she ended up looking like a burn victim.

Toledo 37 – Kansas 31
The jay hawks continue to struggle outside of the nest, as they have only won six times on the road in the past ten years.  I just read that on ESPN on a tiny little window.  I told you I'm not doing any more research.  Despite dominating on the stat sheets, the hawks are undone by 5 turnovers, including a crucial one in the second overtime local police are still searching for a man accused of breaking into an Anaheim home late Tuesday evening, details coming up on the 10 o clock news.  The oh six mitts a bee she sales event is now going on through the end of September.  Take an additional four grand off manufacturers listed price with zero dollars what the heck.  Screw it.  Next game.

USC 28 – Nebraska 10
The Marvin Godbolt prediction award goes to Andre Jones of Nebraska who said quote when we beat USC, this is going to slingshot our whole season end quote.  Oops.

Oklahoma State 48 – Florida Atlantic 8
The cowboys continue to pile up big wins in non conference play.  Good thing that Florida Atlantic went for two or this one could have gotten really embarrassing.

Kansas State 23 – Marshall 7
Come back and do this one later.  On second thought, don't.

Missouri 27 – New Mexico 17
The tigers who looked dominant earlier in the season struggled in this one and had to rely on some late heroics from quarter back chase Daniel.  Hooray beer.

Iowa 27 – Iowa State 17
The hawk eyes were down at the half, but rallied back behind drew taint and his two second half touchdown passes. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha.  Drew taint.

TCU 12 – Texas Tech 3
Oh dear.  I never thought I would see a Tech game where nobody scored a touch down, yet here it was.  I was at this game, and I wish I could say it was a hard fought defensive battle, but truth be told it just seemed like neither team wanted to win.  Seeing the contrasting coaches on the sidelines.  Gary pat her son who looks like he snorted a grocery bag full of coke before the game on one side and Mike leech who is so laid back that the trainer checks his pulse during timeouts on the other.  I think that Tech is just an emotional team that needs the rock us Jones stadium home crowd to get them inspired, which explains why they perform poorly on the road.  Even though it seemed like over half the crowd was wearing red, myself included, the raiders just didn't look ready to play.

Texas 52 – Rice 7
The long horns have a politically incorrect chant that says "What comes out of a chinamans @$$?  Rice rice rice."  Ooh.  I got the quote things to work.  After this week, they may want to change the punch line to the more biologically correct "poop poop poop" because that is exactly what the rice owls looked like.  The dirty birds managed only 168 total yards, and negative 12 on the ground as Texas continues to beat up on teams not from Ohio.

Arizona State 21 – Colorado 3
At least they lost this one to a good team.  Oh how the mighty have fallen.

Oregon 34 – Oklahoma 33
Much like last year against Texas Tech, the sooners left the stadium complaining that they got screwed by the officials.  The only difference is this time they were actually right.  Oregon, a team clad in uniforms that appear to have been lifted from a space battle scrawled on a book cover during Mrs. Stevens third period algebra class, got the help of some home cooking and came back to win on a controversial call that I will discuss in greater detail later.


Okay, I am getting hoarse so I am just going to use the little tap tap keyboard thing from now on.  History is full of people who think they got messed over by officials.  Bret Hart, The Dallas Mavericks, even Al Gore raised a beef when the final results were tallied.  Yet in football, there is a mechanism in place to make sure that errors are corrected.  In the case of Al Gore, the recount validated his loss, leading him to grow a ridiculous beard and grasp at his fading cultural relevance by making a movie about it getting hot outside.  Come to Texas, nancy-boy.  However, while officials are certainly not perfect, in the case of Stoops vs. The Pac-10, it seems that even the fail safe proved to be useless.

It is clear to everyone that the wrong call was not only made on the field, but in the replay booth.  Given the chance to correct the error, the booth blew it.  While this may be the most famous screwing caught on tape since the Paris Hilton video, they have admitted it, apologized and taken corrective action against those involved, and it is time for Bob Stoops to let it go.  Once the game is over, you cannot change the outcome, nor should you be able to.  Could you imagine the dangerous precedent that this would set, as coaches would spend more time reviewing game films hoping to get a loss thrown out on a technicality than preparing their team for the upcoming games?  The only way I would support throwing out the game is if there was solid evidence of collusion and fixing the outcome.  However, I believe this was simply a mistake, and mistakes happen.

Much like a controversial call back in the SWC days involving a blown call by an alumnus calling his own school's game led to a rule banning that practice, I agree that it is time to end the conference affiliation of officiating crews.  I know that officials try to remain objective, but when you get used to calling games from a small group of teams, and suddenly an "outsider" comes into "your" stadium, you can't help but have a little bias.  It is human nature.  Like popping your knuckles or not eating snails.

But, since the NCAA has a recent history of not really addressing issues (ahem, the BCS), let's see if they actually do anything about this.

Looking Ahead

Let's take a look at the TV games…

Louisville at Kansas State  11:30 on FSN
Why to watch?  Not many other games on TV this week.
Why not to watch?  It will probably be a blowout.

Iowa State at Texas  2:30 ABC
Why to watch?  The Big XII conference opener is one of the only mildly entertaining games this week.
Why not to watch?  I'm putting in hardwood floors this weekend.

South Florida at Kansas  6:00 on FSN
Why to watch?  Gravity tugged your remote to the station without you realizing it.
Why not to watch?  Both teams kind of suck.

Other games of disinterest:

Missouri vs. Ohio  1:00
Oklahoma vs. Middle Tennessee  6:00
  Replay had better not matter in this one
Texas Tech vs. SE Louisiana  6:00  Tech is going to take out some serious frustration at home in this one.  Look for Tech to crack 100.
Texas A&M vs. Louisiana Tech  6:00  Mike Leach will have his eye on this one, as the Aggies finally face a spread offense
Baylor vs. Army  6:00  Is Baylor 4 points better than A&M?
Nebraska vs. Troy  6:00  Hey, Troy almost beat Florida State, but I still think the Huskers win big.
Oklahoma State at Houston  8:00 on CSTV  (not a real station)


Well, that's it folks.  Hope you had a great week.  Looks like this is a great weekend for projects around the house, so you can be ready when the majority of the Big XII starts up next weekend.  Fan Laws will be back next week, as I was on a limited schedule this week.  Mazel Tov!

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Until next week,

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