The Weakly Retort brings you another edition of the Weakly Retort. This soft-hitting look at college football will touch on several issues that plague the college football world, as well as preview this week's game.


Okay, I'm grouchy this week, so just friggin' deal with it.  My cable internet service has been out since Tuesday and my cable company is making no effort to fix it.  And if you think I am not going to mention their name for fear of embarrassing them, you are wrong.  It is Charter Communications.  That's right, Charter Freaking Communications in Fort Worth, TX.  At last count, we have talked to 15 different people, been promised 4 different service calls where no one showed up, been transferred 3 times to "supervisors" where we "accidentally" end up at another service rep that has no idea what we are talking about and we have to explain the story over again to, and they are now telling us they can get to us around October 7th.  Bullcrap.  You want to talk about The Amazing Race?  This race is going to see which company can show up first, the Charter technicians or the guys switching me over to DSL.  They are lucky that my cable television still works or you would be reading about me in the paper instead of on

So, this puts me in a bit of a bind.  I hope this comes as no surprise to you, but my limited writing skills center around reading the game synopsi on, and hoping that something funny leaps out of the statistics, the outcome, or a coach's quote.  That's it.  And now that vehicle has been ripped from me.  Oh, I suppose I could go down to the library and look up stuff on microfiche or whatever you call those little machines they always use in Ashley Judd movies when they are tracking down old serial killers, but one, I don't know where my library is, and two, there is nobody there at 9:00 at night except for weirdoes in trench coats trying to find pictures of naked statues in art books.  Fortunately, like most weeks, I typed in all of the scores and upcoming schedule on Monday so I can pretend that I am not waiting until the last minute.  So, at least the scores will be right, but I am probably going to just make the rest of the stuff up.

This also brings up the problem of how I am going to get this posted, when I have no email access.  Fortunately, I have one of those little thumb drives, so I can load it on there and then email it to Mark from work.  The problem is that my boss sits right across from me and I don't want him to read this because I use this as a means to take cheap shots at him and if he asks what I am doing, I am going to have to tell him I am looking at again to throw him off the trail.  That reminds me, I have a meeting with the HR Director tomorrow, for some reason.  Let's jam folks, because I'm bringing sexy back.  (Actually, if you have seen me at the pool, you know that I should never use "sexy" and "back" in the same sentence.

20/20 Hindsight

Georgia  14  -  Colorado  13

After being my editorial punching bag for three straight weeks, Colorado rises up and socks the #9 Georgia Bulldogs in the mouth in their own dog house.  Unfortunately, they couldn't hold on at  the end in what was easily the Big XII game of the week (even though nobody saw it), giving up two touchdowns in the final couple of minutes.

Louisville  24  -  Kansas State  6

Louisville is pretty good.  Kansas State pretty much isn't.  Even losing some guy named Brohm, who I'm guessing is their starting quarterback, the Louisville Sluggers still manage to win big.

Texas  37  -  Iowa State  14

In rain-soaked Austin, the Longhorns struggle early, but pour it on late to become the first team to win a Big XII game this season.  Wow, I just used a stupid pun completely on accident.  No, I'm not going to go back and delete it, that's not how I roll.

Kansas  13  -  South Florida  7

I don't know much about South Florida.  I don't even know their mascot, so I will just call them the South Florida States-Shaped-Like-Wieners. However, I do know that only beating them by 6 points probably doesn't bode well for your program.

Missouri  31  - Ohio  6

The Tigers, led by rising star Chase Daniel whomp all over Ohio, and remain the only unbeaten team in the Big XII North.

Oklahoma  59  -  Middle Tennessee State  0

It's all Oklahoma in this one, as they pound Middle Tennessee State, which is better known as "the school that somehow is Division I-A and so a bunch of teams schedule them each year to help themselves become bowl eligible".

Texas Tech  62  - SE Louisiana  0

Good thing Jarrett Hicks was back or Tech may have had some trouble in this one.

Texas A&M  45  -  Louisiana Tech  14

A&M started out this game bad.  They were unable to score for 3 hours and could only blame 2 ½ hours of that on the rain delay.  I think in the first quarter, A&M ran 11 plays and had 7 total yards and was losing 7-0.  Fortunately for the Aggies, the rest of the game went much differently.  This game drove me nuts because it wasn't on TV and I couldn't hear it on the radio because stupid Fox Sports 1190 has to power their signal down at dusk.  I couldn't get the streaming audio on the web because even though my internet was working at the time, for some reason I can't get streaming audio to work, and instead of listening to Dave South, I had to sit and watch the Yahoo! Gamecast.  I suppose it was a mixed blessing, because at least this way, I had a clue what was going on.

Army  27  -  Baylor  20

What's worse than almost losing to Army?  That's right, Justin Timberlake's new album.  And what is somewhere in between?  Correct, losing to Army.  Just when things seem to be going well for Guy Morriss and the Baylor Bears, a game like this comes along and completely lets the air out of the bandwagon tires.  There is no telling what manner of deviant body-cleansing behavior Guy Morriss engaged in after this one, but I bet he knows better than to tell us about it in his press conference.  (I've got ten bucks on "losing this game is like giving a bikini wax to your proctologist.")

Nebraska  56  -  Troy  0

In the 3rd Big XII shutout, the Cornhuskers pound the Troy Builts 56-0.  This is the same Troy team that almost beat Florida State.  Huh.  Guess they kind of blew their wad during that one.

Houston  34  -  Oklahoma State  25

Oklahoma State finally comes back to earth, dropping this one in Houston to the Mighty Cougars of Conference-USA.  I have no idea what happened in this one, except that the Cowboys ended up with a very unstable 25 points.

An Open Letter to TCU Head Coach Gary Patterson

(Author's note:  I wrote this before TCU was beaten solidly by BYU on Thursday night, but didn't feel like modifying it, even though I could have to rub it in even more.)

Dear Mr. Patterson,

Recently you have complained to the media about the lack of respect that your school, TCU, has been receiving.  I understand your plight, and also cannot understand why TCU is not given its fair share of media love and attention.  First of all, congratulations for beating three teams from the Big XII Conference in two years.  Maybe four teams, I don't have internet access.  This has no doubt won you respect and adulation from your peers in the Mighty Mountain West Conference, home of such powerhouses as BYU, UNLV, Wyoming, and San Diego State.  Yikes!

I cannot understand why youths from around the nation are missing their opportunity to jump on the TCU bandwagon.  With your vibrant purple and white uniforms, the strange flashing sea creature that inhabits your South end zone, and your school's obsession with Rock and Roll Part 2, a hit for known-pedophile Gary Glitter, it seems that your school could market itself!  And this doesn't end with the male population.  What father doesn't dream of having his daughter tell him, "Dad, I'm going to be a horny toad"?

If a team is going to get respect, it is important to have the respect of their fans.  My grandfather once said, "If a man's dog don't listen to him, don't expect any one else to."  Actually, he didn't say that, I just needed a third party quote to provide backing evidence to my assertion, and generated one that suited my needs.  Besides, it sounds like something he would have said.  Nevertheless, congratulations on the recent sellout of your 40,000 seat stadium, your first one since the Apple Macintosh, although I am confused as to why so many of your fans wore the opposition's colors.  And applauded at entirely the wrong moments.  And kept yelling "Go Raiders".  I was shocked!  There were even more fans their then when you made your "oh-so-close" BCS run a few years ago and 25,000 die-hard TCU fans were showing up.

So, now that you clearly have your fans behind you, and a formidable schedule ahead of you, you can just sit back and watch the media love roll in.  Who knows, you may soon have to find something else to complain about!



Texas Tech's Offense

Given that the Aggies are playing the Red Raiders this week, I thought I would turn my attention to the side show that is the Air Raid Offense.  Watching Tech's offense is like celebrating a birthday at a Mexican restaurant.  Chaos ensues as a bunch of people come running out and start singing Happy Birthday.  Only it isn't really Happy Birthday, it is a tricked up version of Happy Birthday where you can't really follow along because its all sped up and the lyrics are different, and although the people involved are no doubt enjoying it, and birthday merriment is no doubt being had, you still end up sitting there thinking that somehow things aren't right.

Now, regardless of my evaluation, the Texas Tech offense has put up some obscene numbers, and Mike Leach is to be commended for what he has put together in Lubbock.  Coach Leach frequently voices his exception to the claim that his quarterbacks' numbers are a product of the system.  He claims that if it were truly the system, that you could go down to 7-11 and grab anyone and they could put up huge passing numbers.

This is where I disagree.  I think he is oversimplifying the accusation.  Yes, it is necessary to have the right quarterback to run the offense.  He is very particular in whom he recruits, and makes sure he picks guys that can work with what he has in place.  Not anybody can do it.  Not even most college quarterbacks, and certainly no one is claiming that a Charter Communications service technician could do it.  However, even Coach Leach must admit, that the gaudy numbers are a result of the offense.

Simply put, Tech passes the ball close to 50 times a game.  You are going to have 500 yards a game when you throw 50 passes, just like the wishbone offense led to piles and piles of rushing yards back in the day.  Suppose a team had a great kicker and their strategy was to drive down into field goal range and then trot the kicker out, even if it was first down.  They would probably set scads of records for field goal kicking.  Sure, you still have to have a great kicker, you couldn't just bring in someone from the McDonalds in Waco, but the high number of made field goals would be due to the fact that you are kicking every chance you get.  The records would be a product of the system, and few would argue that.

I will admit it.  I think Tech's offense is weird, resembles a style of play that you see on a video game console, and I don't really care for it.  But you know what else?  I can guarantee you that Mike Leach and the many Tech fans don't care what I think.  If it works for them, it works for them, and until someone finds a way to stop it, they are going to keep doing it, and keep setting passing records, and keep giving defensive coordinators nightmares.  Maybe it eventually goes the way of the wishbone or the run and shoot, but no one will deny what it has done.  It has made football in Lubbock exciting, and the fans love it.  It has helped Mike Leach take a team that was consistently looking up in the standings, and brought them to the forefront of the conference and national attention.  With the high-powered offense in place, Leach has been able to go to higher-ranking defensive recruits and say, "if we just had you on this team, imagine what we could do" and it is starting to pay off.

Even though this season, Tech's offense seems less like the waiter that is jumping up and down, rolling his R's and shouting ole, and more like the disinterested waiter that is slowly slinking behind the group, staring at the floor, and hoping his friends don't see him, I still think they are a force to be reckoned with, and no matter how much you try and scheme to stop them, you still must make the tackles in the open field and execute on defense, or you are going to end up with one heck of a hangover the next morning.

Fan Laws:  What to Wear

First of all, let me say that when it comes to everyday wear, I have no fashion sense.  If you ever see me looking stylish, rest assured that either my wife dressed me, or I did it on accident.  I am an Electrical Engineer and that precludes me from successfully selecting apparel.  I am also 6'6" and 250 pounds, which makes it even more difficult.  I get by. 

Instead, I am going to discuss how to properly wear paraphernalia from your school.

Thou shalt wear thy school colors to the game.
  Call it Maroon Out, Black Out, Taupe Out, call it what ever you want to.  There is no reason not to wear your school colors to the game to support your team.  Even if your team's mascot is the Artichokes and your colors are hot pink and lime green, you should still represent.  Despite what some people say, it is not "gay" to wear your team's jersey to the game.  Unless you put your own name on the back of it or a stupid nickname like "BoozHound" or "MonkeySpank".

Thou shalt not wear a shirt and a hat from your school together.
  This is referred to as garment-incest and makes you look like a billboard.  I will possibly waive this exception when you are actually at a game, but it holds fast everywhere else.

Thou shalt not wear a shirt to a game from a school that isn't playing.
  This just makes you look like a knob.  Don't wear an A&M shirt to the Texas-OU game, or a Longhorn shirt to the A&M-Tech game, just to show everyone there what school you are from.  They don't care.  They only care about the teams playing.  This goes double if you didn't even go to the school you are wearing the shirt from.  A waiver may be granted for a hat from a third-party school if it is sunny, and it is the only hat you own and you are attending the game with a hot chick or a relative (hopefully she's not both).

Thou shalt not wear a tie to a football game unless you are receiving an award at halftime.
  They actually wear shorts, long sleeve shirts, and ties to football games at SMU.  That's why they suck.

Agree?  Disagree?  Want to add your own?  Discuss it in the forums, or email me, and I will start compiling the official version of the Fan Laws in the Weakipedia.

Looking Ahead

Let's take a look at the TV games…

Colorado at Missouri  11:30 on FSN-SW
Why to watch?  Worst versus first in the Big XII North.  Should be interesting to see if Missouri is as good as advertised, and if Colorado is as bad.  Was the Georgia game the sign of a turnaround or a fluke?

Texas Tech at Texas A&M  2:30 on ABC
Why to watch?  This is easily the Big XII game of the week, and should be a good one.  Tech has struggled to maintain some consistency this season, and the Aggies have looked pretty good, but haven't really played anyone.  As usual, there will be a lot of noise, a lot of passion, and a lot of pride on the line.

Why not to watch?  You are associated with Texas Tech and don't want to cry yourself to sleep as the Aggies pound you by 26 points.  I am so confident that A&M will win that if we lose, I will post a picture of the scoreboard at the top of the column, and write a full paragraph extolling the virtues of Texas Tech.  (Actually, I'm not really that confident, but I wanted to get some smack talk going.)

Kansas at Nebraska  6:00 PM on FSN-SW
Why to watch?  You are from Big XII North country.

Why not to watch?  You are driving home from the A&M-Tech game.

Other games of disinterest:

Northern Iowa at Iowa State  6:00 PM 
Kansas State at Baylor  6:00 PM
  The Bears look to shake off their OT loss to army by losing in regulation to Kansas State
Kansas at Nebraska  6:00 PM  Nebraska hopes that Mark Mangino doesn't like corn.
Sam Houston at Texas  6:00 PM  Longhorns just hope that nobody gets injured.


Well, I'm spent.  I tried to add some more in the way of topics this week, since the recaps were kind of half-cocked.  I hope everyone has a great weekend, and safe travel to those of you headed out to The Game.  I'll be sitting in section 514, so if you see a giant guy in a faded 12th Man jersey that is hoarse by the end of the first series, then stop by and say hi.  Random shoutout to ManWithNoName, who has been excessively complaining about being ManWithNoShoutout.

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If you would like to comment on something, or just call me an idiot, you can email me at .  Be sure to put RAIDERPOWER in the subject line so that I can see it if it gets caught in the overzealous vortex known as the Yahoo Spam Filter.  Once I get an email from you, I will add you to my address book so that you can slide through the abyss with impunity.

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Until next week,


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