The Weakly Retort brings you another edition of the Weakly Retort. This soft-hitting look at college football will touch on several issues that plague the college football world, as well as preview this week's game.


Alright, I promised, so here goes.

Oh, Texas Tech.  Your touchdowns are many and your ugly women are few.  Your coach is wise and skilled in the combat tactics of Pirates, Vikings, Goths, Mongols, Irish Mobsters, and ill-tempered DMV workers.  You do not lease the football team from my school, you own them. Neither coaching changes, nor quarterback changes, nor squeezing of groins has been able to change this.  I take solace in the fact that the game was on our turf because were it played in the intimidating arena known as Jones-SBC Stadium, the score would have been far worse.  Your campus architecture is like no other, and the terrain of your surrounding town makes bicycling easy.  Glory to thee, oh Texas Tech.  Until next year.

20/20 Hindsight

Texas Tech 31 – Texas A&M 27

Missouri 28 - Colorado 13
Poor Buffali, they have now lost 9 straight games, and even though they made a valiant effort against Georgia, it just doesn't look like they are going to win this season.  Missouri meanwhile remains the only undefeated team in the Big XII, even though their schedule has been fairly light.  Quarterback Chase Daniel, whose name is a complete sentence, threw two picks and should have had a third, but, still they got the win.

Iowa State 28 – Northern Iowa 27
The Cyclones, a team I had pegged to be a power in the North, show me how much I know as they struggle to beat Division I-AA Northern Iowa, rallying from deficits of 21-7 and 27-21.  Meyer passed for 323 yards, but the whirlybirds are going to have to do better if they want to almost win the North again for the third straight year.

Baylor 17 – Kansas State 3
Huh.  How about them Baylors.  Another case of look how much Psychoag doesn't know.  Despite being edged out in total yards, the Bears win the turnover battle 5-4.  Expect them to lose the war, however, as the last two times they won their Big XII openers they didn't win another conference game that season.

Texas 56 – Sam Houston State 3
Well, nobody got hurt.  The most confusing quote of the day was Texas quarterback Colt McCoy, who after the game said, "I've been waiting for this moment.  My whole life."  Yes, every young Texas lad has a dream: winning the National Championship, taking home a positional award, or going north to Oklahoma where he can drive a brand new sports car for the mere price of sponsoring one of those kids in the Sally Struthers commercials. But Colt McCoy dreamt of the day he could pound a I-AA school into oblivion.

Nebraska 39 – Kansas 32 (OT)
This game was a great one.  At least what I was able to see of it.  I called the score up on my Sprint cell phone and kept hitting refresh while my buddy drove us home from the A&M – Tech game.

Texas Tech 31 – Texas A&M 27
You didn't really think I would leave it at just "poop", do you?  This was the kind of game that makes college football great.  A great crowd, a close game, and it all being decided at the last minute.  I have never gone from such sheer ecstasy when I thought we had the interception at the end to such agony when the ball floated into Johnson's arms.  It was tough to take the loss, but a script writer couldn't have written a better game.  Unless that pass floats out of the end zone.  Everyone I ran into was a good sport and even though the ending was painful, I still had a great time.  I hope they keep this game at the respective campuses, because the game day atmosphere at Kyle or Jones is what makes this rivalry great.  Congratulations Raiders, and good luck on the rest of the season.

Aggies Do the Strangest Things

I love my school.  I love the tradition.  I love the atmosphere.  I love the people.  I love the spirit.  It saddens me that with the loss of Bonfire, many of the other traditions are slowly being forgotten as well.  Although I understand why Bonfire was discontinued, it pains me to see that A&M is in many ways slowly becoming a generic school just like everywhere else.

And then they show a bunch of guys standing ungentlemanly close to each other, mushing their goods on national TV.  This "tradition" is one of the things that some Aggies do that makes me insane.  Apparently, in some subgroups of the University, it is understood that when the team is in trouble, you are supposed to reach down and crush your man-berries in an attempt to "share in the pain that the players are feeling" and somehow will the team to victory.  While this does serve the purpose of hopefully preventing these morons from spawning, it does place an uncomfortable bruise on the rest of the students that have no idea what these guys are doing.

You can send me emails calling me Natalie Maines all you want for going on a rival's website and making fun of my own school, but I am doing it because I want this to stop, and because it embarrasses my Alma Mater.  Hopefully, by calling these wannabe Tchaikovskys out, they will see the error of their ways, and the nut-cracking will cease.

I attended Texas A&M for 5 years and went to every football game while I was there, and not once did I even realize that this "tradition" even existed.  I certainly never felt compelled to engage in self-mutilation in a vain attempt to influence the outcome of a sporting contest.  If you really want to feel like the football team felt on Saturday, then let someone rip your heart out of your ribcage and stomp on it.  I know those guys left everything on the field, and somehow I doubt that knowing you were in the stands messing with your stuff provides them any consolation.

So, if you want A&M to be unique and a special place, then wear maroon, stand up and yell until you are hoarse at the games.  Greet visitors with a smile and a Howdy rather than a schoolyard insult.  Represent your degree in a positive way in the community, at work, and among your peers.  But for crying out loud, quit duct-taping people butts together, putting your homemade rap videos up on youtube, stuffing paper in your mouth because you cut in line for tickets, and emasculating yourself at a football game.  I've had enough.

My Boss Talking the Sports

Someone must have been talking to my boss about me virtually kicking him in the crotch about his lack of sports knowledge, because on Monday this week, he suddenly started a sports conversation with the guys around the water cooler.  The problem is that it sounded like a 3rd grader talking about sex.  None of the terms were right, and you're pretty sure he has no idea how things work, but he is desperately trying to sound cool.

It went something like this: "So, I was at the game this weekend, watching my kid's school play their opponent in a football match.  Our quarterback was doing a good job making his throws to his teammates.  Then the other team kept fouling, and each time they did we were granted 15 yards, many times letting us acquire the first down when we had none.  Ultimately, their squad surrendered more touchdowns than ours, and we were victorious.  It was so exhilarating!"

I think I'm going to ask him his thoughts on rap music next Monday.

Friday Night Lights Quick Hit

Man, I can't watch this show.  The acting is way overdone, the accents are laughable, and the soap opera drama doesn't translate well to sports fans.  But aside from that, the thing that gives me the most crazy-head is the stunt casting.  Okay, several times at the beginning of the show, they make reference to UT Coach Mack Brown.  Whether it is telling the coach he isn't Mack Brown, or players talking about playing for Mack Brown, they clearly establish the fact that Coach Mack Brown exists inside the Friday Night Lights universe.  Fine.  But then, they have Mack Brown make a cameo as a local booster in the city, and NOT playing himself.  Sure he had a funny line about not being able to win a championship with just a quarterback, but his presence just doesn't make sense.  Shouldn't people be coming up to him constantly and saying, "Dude!  You look just like Mack Brown!  No, I'm serious, you look EXACTLY like him!"?  If they are going to create a fictional town with a fictional team and fictional players and fictional story lines, then they need to create fictional college coaches.  You know, much like how on the West Wing they created their own president for their universe, and didn't have George W. Bush keep making cameos as a lobbyist, a waiter, or a Puerto Rican drag queen.

Besides, in order to give equal time, they should have to cast other Big XII coaches.  Dennis Franchione could work the counter at the Little Debbie bakery outlet store down on Main Street.  Mike Leach could be the one-eyed local weatherman, complete with eye patch.  Guy Morriss would be the guy that can't live within 500 yards of an elementary school.  And Mark Mangino could make a cameo in Mr. Vicar's science class as recently demoted planet Pluto.

Fan Laws:  How to Behave

So far, I have looked at how to select your team and how to dress.  Now we are going to take a look at how to act at football games.

The HellDamnCrap rule (suggested by Jack)
:  While it is understood that you are a passionate fan and that there are times when you are overcome with emotion, please understand that there are others around you that don't think South Park is as funny as you do or perhaps are just small children.  You are not to utter any words worse than those contained titularly within the rule.  Get creative if you have to.  It will help stave off Alzheimer's.  * At Baylor this is known as the HeckDarnDoody rule.

The NumberOne rule (suggested by my sister-in-law):
  If your team is not ranked in the top 10 in any major poll or you are not currently leading your conference, then when the cameras point to you on the sideline, you are forbidden from holding up your index finger and screaming, "Yeah!  Number One!  Whoo!  Number One!"  It drives me insane to see someone on the sideline rooting for a 3-6 team that is getting beat by 40 points yelling that they are number one.  Just once I would like to see an honest soul tell America, "Hey!  Number 45 is probably about right!  Whoo-hoo!"  You can yell "Go Team!" or "Go <insert mascot>s!" or even "Hooray sports!", but if you don't have a legitimate claim on being at the top of something, then spare me the number one garbage.

The Stadium Enforcer rule:  (Again, suggested by Jack)
  While you are certainly within your right to act like a seagull in a windstorm when trying to get the crowd to stand up and make some noise on a big third down, you are not allowed to attempt to bully anyone into doing so.  This also goes for Aggies screaming at people to take off their hat during a yell.

Looking Ahead

Big TV weekend for the Big XII as 4 of the 6 games are televised at least regionally.  Not a good weekend for chores.

Texas A&M at Kansas  11:00 AM on FSN
Why to watch:  You want to see if the Aggies can shake off a heart-wrenching, gut-wrenching, and apparently gonad-wrenching last-second loss to the Red Raiders.
Why not to watch:  You are in the Corps and your junk hasn't recovered from last week

Texas vs. Oklahoma  2:30 PM on ABC
Why to watch:  The big daddy of the Big XII matchups.  The winner is going to be the favorite to win the Big XII South, and probably the whole conference.
Why not to watch:  You are one of those people that every year says "I hope they both lose" because you fail to grasp the new overtime rules that have been in place almost 10 years now.

Missouri at Texas Tech  6:00 PM on TBS
Why to watch:  A chance to see two young, star quarterbacks duke it out on the field to see if Missouri really is as good as advertised, and if the Tech offense is back on track.
Why not to watch:  You still haven't gotten over the whole "Hanoi Jane" thing and want to punish Ted Turner.

Nebraska at Iowa State  7:00 PM on ABC
Why to watch:  Two teams coming off of exciting finishes with their backs to the wall last week look to sustain the momentum and carry it over into a victory.
Why not:  You hate sports clichés.

Other games of disinterest:
Baylor at Colorado  2:30 PM  Pretty bad versus really bad.
Oklahoma State at Kansas State  2:35 PM  Probably bad versus lost to pretty bad bad.


Well, it was a rough week for me, but I made it through.  Hopefully you are all ready to park it on the couch this weekend for some good-looking football games.  Random shouts out this week to emailer Jack Lee and to IndyBeanCounter for talking me down off the ledge after the game.

You may contact the author at  Please put RAIDERPOWER in the subject line so it can be found easily if it gets sucked into the SPAM filter.

Thanks again,



Raider Power Top Stories