Wes Welker - The only certainties in life are death, taxes, and the fact that no one will ever be half the man that Wes Welker is. I knew that Wes would cheer me up after a TTU loss, and he did not disappoint with a 198-yard performance on Sunday. During the game, Welker was referred to as "Wes the Magnificent," "Explosive," and "Instant Field Position." Welker also received the accolade of "I love this guy" from the announcers. Wes is a fan favorite wherever he goes, and he has spawned dozens of stories along the way about the great person that he is on and off the field. Welker is one of the most charitable, friendly, and humble people that you will ever find, and he is a hard worker as well. Wes Welker is still a shining example as both an athlete and a person, and I'm extremely proud to call Wes a Red Raider.
John Madden likes conjunctions - This is a direct quote from Sunday's Chargers-Steelers game in which I honestly did not change a thing. "I don't know, but I...ren...I remember San Diego, you know, and...and...and Sid Gillman when it was...uh...and you know Barron Hilton and you look at these throwback jerseys and you remember the Lance Alworths and the John Hadls and Earl Faisons and Paul Lowe and...and that whole group and I was there and...and I remember that and I remember this as a brand new stadium." Holy hell. You can't make this stuff up. However, I must extend my sincerest thanks to John Madden for entertaining me to no end and providing me with hours upon hours of hilarious material. I think there will be a "Maddenism" every week if I choose to continue this segment.
"P!nk" and football - Maybe it's just me, but a self-proclaimed feminist doesn't exactly scream "football." Nothing against feminism, but last I checked, the NFL audience is mostly guys. It's poor marketing. I can have some respect for her rejection of the pop music culture, which is awful in its own right, but she is so far on the other end of the spectrum these days that it's just as ridiculous. You can live life on your own terms without uglifying yourself in the process. Also, how can one rebel against what is popular when their career's success is contingent upon the popularity of their music? Then again, her net worth is about eleventy billion times that of my own. Still, I am of the opinion that any dude who truly rocks out to her music needs to have his man card revoked. The point is, she's no Bocephus.
Joselio Hanson - I can't figure out how Joselio wasn't really a star while he was a Red Raider, and yet he can shut down one of the nation's best wideouts in the NFL these days. Hanson shadowed T.O. today, and did a heck of a job keeping the ball out of Terrell's hands. I'm ecstatic to see his success, but I can't help but wonder what the missing ingredient was that held him back during his time at Tech. If someone would have told me back in 2003 that Kliff Kingsbury would bounce around from team to team in his NFL career and Hanson would be an effective starter, I wouldn't have believed it considering their college careers. That said, congratulations to Joselio for working his way up the depth chart in the National Football League, and thanks for making us proud of your success as fellow Red Raiders.
Jerry Jones is the Cryptkeeper - Not only is there a significant resemblance between the two, Jones has also been the host of a collection of horror stories for Cowboy fans. The days of "America's Team" are long gone, when they had Emmitt Smith's heart, Troy Aikman's resilience, and Michael Irvin's super-cocaine powers. After Jimmy Johnson left following Jones' public undermining of his coaching abilities, the Switzer era of unethical leadership began. After Switzer, Jones hired some puppets while he ran the team into the ground, and Parcells is currently doing his best to try and coach his way out of Jerry Jones' mistakes, the latest of which is known as T.O. I want to be able to root for the Cowboys. I really do. However, it's almost impossible for me to actually put my heart into it under Jones' tenure.
Terrell Owens is a girl - Think about it. He craves attention, creates all kinds of unnecessary drama, always has to have his way, and he might be secretly depressed. I'm not trying to be misogynistic here, but this sounds like a verbatim description of most of the girls that I have dated. Furthermore, he isn't even producing on the field these days. I found myself actually siding with the Philly fans as they booed him, which is a scary thought. I can't recall where I first heard this, but someone perfectly described T.O. as an NFL franchise's equivalent of cancer. I'm also not entirely sure that Owens' recent overdose/adverse reaction/whatever it was with the pain pills wasn't just a contrived publicity stunt. The reports and statements were so convoluted and conflicting that it just seemed like it was made up.
Big has-Been - Roethlisberger is having an abysmal season. Maybe he knocked something loose in his motorcycle crash, in which he was too cool to wear a helmet. Apparently he is also too cool to throw to the right team. He has thrown nine interceptions since his last touchdown, which was six games ago. And half of our fanbase turns against Harrell after a 3 TD, 2 INT performance. Maybe Ben is just another temporary media bandwagon quarterback, but we'll have to wait and see. As if he didn't have a rough enough day on Sunday, his Miami (Ohio) RedHawks fell to 0-6 on a heartbreaker of a loss to Northern Illinois that night. Was Roethlisberger just carried by "The Bus" to his success? Is Big Ben running out of time as a Steeler QB? Am I the king of making really bad puns? You be the judge.
Brett Favre - To me, this is the one of the most heartbreaking things in football. Favre is such a likable guy, and is one of the game's great quarterbacks of all-time. However, he is following in the footsteps of Michael Jordan, who failed to go out on top because he loved the game too much. Jordan's second retirement was perfectly timed, following a game-winning last-second shot to win the NBA Finals. However, the baseball debacle and Wizards comeback tainted his legacy a bit. It appears that Favre is going down the same road. Brett had a heroic effort following his father's tragic death in 2003, which was one of the best stories in recent memory. They ended that season in the playoffs, which is perhaps when he should have bowed out. Now the Packers don't have the heart to tell him that it's past his time.
A Brees in the hand is worth two in the Bush - We all know that Reggie Bush scored his first pro touchdown on a punt return today, because the media is damn near making him out to be the savior of New Orleans. After all, we need the city back so insecure young women can have a place to "birthday-suit up" in the quest for the precious plastic beads. Truthfully, though, the music, food, and lifestyle of The Big Easy is unlike any other, and if Bush's play can somehow help the spirit of the city as it rebuilds, then I'll give his TD's an emphatic "Huzzah!" Still, lost in all of this is the play of quarterback Drew Brees, who is having an impressive season. I'm not saying that Drew is better than Reggie, I'm just pointing out that the touchdowns thrown by Brees are worth just as many points as the ones scored by Bush.
Monday Night Football - Tonight, the Denver Broncos will take on the Baltimore Ravens. There are many questions to be answered in this one. Will Jake Plummer prevail with the "power of pornstache?" Will Ray Lewis kill Denver's perpetually dangerous running attack the way he kills, uh, human beings? Will I stop being startled every time I see Mike Leach listed on the Broncos roster? Will former Red Raider Mike Smith get a chance to play and use his laser-enhanced vision? Will John Lynch "Slay" someone? Will I figure out how to pronounce Ikechuku Ndukwe's name? Will Jason Elam kick a 70-yard field goal through the Colorado air? There are plenty of things to watch in this one, but you're going to have to make your own lame comments on this game. I've given you the wings. Fly like an eagle.
(Questions, comments, praise, and constructive criticism can be directed to Trent within the forums or through email at firstname.lastname@example.org