The Weakly Retort brings you another edition of the Weakly Retort. This soft-hitting look at college football will touch on several issues that plague the college football world, as well as preview this week's game.


The schools from the Lone Star State delivered two incredible games this weekend, the boys from Oklahoma took care of business in their respective games, and all of those other states just kind of filled up the box scores.  On another note, I want to know who has been ratting me out to my boss.  Today, while I was performing the ever-so-important task of trying to find a funny animated picture of He-Man on an old thread from that I was telling my buddy Raymond about during lunch, my boss jumps into my cube and asks me what I am doing.  Just because I am difficult, I told him I was looking at naked pictures of the Blue Man Group to see how dedicated they really were to their craft.  He said he was disappointed.  Not because I was using valuable company resources to scour the web for semi-dirty pictures, but because he said he hoped I was writing something about him for this week's article.  So, not only does he know that I bash him every week, but he seems to enjoy it.  I'm telling you, he does things like this just to spite me.  To make things worse, my cable company, the one that rhymes exactly with "Charter" seems to be having network outages tonight, so I may be light on stats and heavy on bullcrap.  In fact, I may be doing some of these game recaps from memory, which is not a good thing.  Oh, and I've got the nasty head crud that seems to be going around, so you may want to sit a little further back from your screen.

20/20 Hindsight

Texas 35 – Texas Tech 31
This game had all the trappings of a professional wrestling match.  I have no idea what a trapping is, but let me tell you, this game had them in scads!  Speaking of scads, I have no idea what those are either.  Nonetheless, this game seemed to follow the professional wrestling script to a "T".  First, the underdog comes out on fire, as Tech rips off 21 straight points, thanks in part to the UT Marco Polo pass coverage.  Unfortunately for the now #117 ranked Longhorn secondary, the Raiders refused to "Polo" when they were "Marcoed", frequently leaving receivers wide open as orange-clad defenders flailed their arms blindly in desperation.  Ahh, but just about the time the Raider faithful reached their fever pitch, the evil heels from Austin cut off their rally, and began to systematically claw their way back into the game. 

From there, the teams traded holds, neither side able to hit their finishing move.  But then, just as the Red Raiders seem to have converted a key 4th down, the Linesman rips off his mask.  It's Darryl Royal!  And he spots the ball just a few inches short!  The crowd begins to boo, and give the Stone Cold Salute.  The Longhorns convert to take the lead and only have to run out the clock.  But out of nowhere, they are pinned by the Raiders!  The Referee counts 1st Down…, 2nd Down…, but instead of counting 3, the Referee calls pass interference and breaks the hold.  He rips off his mask.  It's Joe Jamail!  At least we think so, nobody is really sure just who the hell that is.  But who is playing receiver?  It's Dwayne Wade!  No wonder he drew the pass interference without any real contact.  And so, with a fist full of tights, the burnt orange menace puts the red and black on their back, and Joe administers a quick 3 count before bailing out of the ring and hopping in a limousine with Mack Brown and an oddly shirtless Matthew McConnaghey.

Texas A&M 31 – Baylor 21
Meanwhile this game was more like a boxing match.  Each fighter measuring up his opponent, feeling him out with jabs until he can land that big uppercut.  And boy, were there some big ones landed in this bout.  At least from what I read.  Given that it wasn't on TV, I ended up "watching" it with the ESPN Gamecast on my wife's laptop, while my brothers and I watched the Tech – Texas game on TV.  A 70-something yard touchdown by the Bears' Zeigler, a 75-yard touchdown by A&M's Martellus Bennett, plays which I'm sure were exciting to see, but merely showed up as a long green or maroon bar on the Gamecast.  Round after round, both teams landed big shots until finally the Aggies were able to score the knockout punch when Freshman runningback Michael Goodson broke free for a 64-yard touchdown run that left the Bears laying on the mat.  The Aggies improve to 8-1, while the Bears are left wondering how they are going to make a bowl game without their starting quarterback, who was lost to a torn ACL.

Oklahoma 26 – Missouri 10
This contest reminded me of a Harlem Globetrotters game, where you pretend that both teams are serious competition, but one team just keeps screwing around and turning the ball over and shooting themselves in the foot.  The Missouri Generals had a chance to begin taking command in a fractured Big XII North, but they just kept coughing it up, not unlike the yellowish garbage that I have been expectorating into the wastebasket at a rate that makes me wonder why I haven't desiccated into beef jerky yet.  I was so hoping that Paul Thompson was going to pull out one of those trick footballs-on-a-string and throw a pass to himself.

Kansas 20 – Colorado 15
Ahh.  Playing Colorado, the cure for all that ails ye.  Well, most of ye (sorry, Raiders…).  The Kansas Jayhawks end their downward spiral and pick up their first Big XII win of the season against the Buffaleau.  This game was kind of like Tennis in that it was back and forth, neither opponent has any business playing football, and the score was 20-15.  Yes, I know that isn't a valid tennis score, but what do you want me to say, it was like Bocce?

Oklahoma State 41 – Nebraska "considerably less than that"
The Cowboys continue the odd trend of "winning your next game after getting beaten by A&M" in analogous to kickball.  Why?  Because Nebraska rode in with the Big XII North title in their grasp and a lofty ranking to face a team that just lost a heartbreaker on homecoming, and Oklahoma State kicked them in the balls.

Iowa State ??? – Kansas State ???
This game was like English Premiere League Soccer in that I didn't watch it, don't care about it, and have no idea what the score was.  I don't even remember who won this one.  I'm guessing Kansas State, because Iowa State is horrid this year.  Ole, ole, ole, ole!  I'm also too lazy to figure out how to type the little accent over the "e".

Playoffs?  You want to talk about Playoffs?

My Tech brother sent me an email this week with a pretty interesting plan to implement a playoff system in college football.  It was actually pretty good because he knows infinitely more about sports than I do.  Which means that him talking to my boss about sports would be like Einstein trying to explain the theory of relativity to a can of Crystal Pepsi.  To those of you that arrived here by searching Google for "Crystal Pepsi", I apologize, but honestly, what were you thinking? 

I would post his plan here for two reasons.  1)  It makes sense.  2)  It would take up space that I would otherwise have to fill myself.  However, I will not post it here for one simple reason  1)  CHARTER COMMUNICATIONS.  (It is in my Yahoo! email box.)

So, what I will do is ask for you the readers to come up with your plans for deciding an NCAA champion.  They can be playoffs, they can be bowls, they can be mud-wrestling.  They can be as serious or as ridiculous as you wish.  However, nothing can be as ridiculous as the BCS.

Fan Laws

Just a quick hit this week, but unless you have a child under 4 with you (which probably falls under a different fan law), there is no reason to leave the game early.  You aren't going to beat traffic, you are just going to sit in the parking lot for a longer time.  However, you may end up missing a great comeback like 90% of the crowd from the Baylor-Kansas game two weeks ago.  Apparently, Baylor fans are so bad about leaving early, that between the third quarter of the A&M game, the PA announcer actually said, "Hey Baylor fans, it's the 4th quarter, and you're still here!"            

Looking Ahead

Missouri at Nebraska 11:00 AM  I know I seem to say this about a different game every week, but THIS ONE could decide the Big XII North…

Baylor at Texas Tech  11:00 AM on FSN
Why to watch:  You are a Tech fan and want some warm fuzzies.
Why not to watch:  You are the personification of Baylor's bowl chances.

Kansas at Iowa State  1:00 PM
  I was telling someone that this game would be better off with just use a heavy dose of euthanasia, and they said "Chinese kids don't play football."  Whozajiggawha?

Kansas State at Colorado  3:30 PM
  Hey, it's almost ski season, and "whatever they do in Kansas" season.

Oklahoma State at Texas  6:00 PM on TBS
Why to watch:  The past two years, the Cowboys have jumped out to big early leads only to get picked off late by the Longhorns.  This has the potential to be a good one.
Why not to watch:  You're scared of orange.

Oklahoma at Texas A&M  7:00 PM on ABC
Why to watch:  ESPN College Gameday chose this as their destination to set up shop this week as the biggest game in the nation.  A&M and OU typically play it close in College Station.
Why not to watch:  This "biggest game in the nation" will probably determine nothing more than who finishes second in the Big XII South.

In Conclusion

Avery Johnson has an oddly pointed head.  Random shout out to my soon to be two-year-old daughter Lily who can't read this anyway, but is having her second birthday party this weekend.  Random shout out to my wife who wisely scheduled the party in between the Tech game and the A&M game.  Random shout out to somebody on who begged for one last week, but I don't remember who it was, and can't look it up because my cable modem is less reliable than a mesh condom.  I'm guessing it was DeluxeRaider, but if not, then enjoy your free shoutout, Dee-lux.

I love getting emails.  I also love being able to check them.  If you have a gripe, a praise, an interesting comment, whatever, shoot it to me at  Put RAIDERPOWER in the subject line, so I can find it in case it gets sucked into the SPAM filter.  There is also a message board thread, where you can share you thoughts with the community at large.  You can find it here.

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