The Weakly Retort brings you another edition of the Weakly Retort. This soft-hitting look at college football will touch on several issues that plague the college football world, as well as preview this week's games.


Well it is finally coming down to the end of the season with just a handful of games left.  Let's finish separating the wheat from the chaff and glide into bowl season gracefully.  I can hardly wait to see what matchup ensues in the San Diego County Credit Union Poinsettia Bowl or the Meineke Car Care Bowl.  Yes, those are real bowls.  I'm finally done recaulking the shower so I can get down to making an even bigger mess here on the Internets. The Aggies pissed me off this week, and I just can't bring myself to live vicariously through Kansas State.  Fortunately, the Cowboys took care of business and the Mavericks are back on track, so it wasn't a complete loss.  My boss didn't do anything stupid this week, so hopefully he will do something REALLY stupid next week.  C'mon, let's shake our groove things.


20/20 Hindsight

Oklahoma State 66 – Baylor 24

Wheeee!!  Instead of typing something meaningless, I'm going to summarize this game with my wicked Photoshop skillz.

Colorado 33 – Iowa State 14

If this were a reality show, it would be The Biggest Loser, as these two spares from the Big XII North try to see who can finish dead last.  Unfortunately, Iowa State coach Dan McCarney just realized that this doesn't mean he will have the first pick in the high school draft next year and so he resigned.

Oklahoma 34 – Texas Tech 24

For the second time in three weeks, the Red Raiders jump out to an early lead, only to be completely shut down in the second half.  In that sense, they are not unlike me writing this column, in that I get off to a running start and then get tired-head about halfway through and limp across the finish line.  Yeah, um, where was I.  Oh, right, Go Sports!  Perhaps a little bit of Bobby Knight chin music during the halftime speech would get the troops motivated.  Or another ice cream social, suit yourselves.

Nebraska 28 – Texas A&M 27

Once again, the Price is Right Aggies come as close as they can to the opponents score without going over, finally eliminating themselves from contention for the Big XII Showcase Showdown.  I really don't have anything else to say about this, except that it troubles me that these losses no longer bother me.

Kansas State 45 – Texas 42

Congratulations to the Wildcats for upsetting the Longhorns and their backup quarterback Jevan Snead, but if I hear one more talking head gushing about how gutsy Ron Prince, the KSU coach, is I'm going to vomit blood on my keyboard.  He made one of the most boneheaded play calls I have ever seen late in the game, and fortunately his players were able to bail him out, and so as things typically go, he is being hailed as a genius instead of a 3rd degree retard.  The play I am referring to was the third down call on the last drive with 51 seconds left.  The Longhorns had no timeouts, and yet Prince called a rollout pass.  That is gutsy?  What happens if that pass went incomplete?  Then you have to punt and you give Texas a chance to drive down the field with about 40 seconds left, only needing a field goal.  Difficult, but doable.

Instead, what he should have done was call a quarterback sweep.  The quarterback wraps both hands around the ball to secure it, and runs a sweep, avoiding people as long as he can and then just goes down.  Let's say you run 6 seconds off of the clock with this play.  You then burn 15 seconds as the officials spot the ball, and you run the 25 second clock all the way down to 0, leaving 5 seconds on the clock.  You snap the ball, and punt it deep and out of bounds.  Game over.  Even if you miscalculate and leave Texas with a second or two, with the new clock rules, they have to be standing over the ball ready to snap it as soon as it is blown in play and quickly try to run a hail mary of epic proportions.  All of these are far better than Texas getting the ball with 40 seconds left.  Fortunately, Prince's quarterback completed a Pop Warner looking pass and bailed him out on the dumb call.  After the game, Colt McCoy was seen deleting 35 unread text messages from Brent Musburger seeing how he was doing and if he needed anything rubbed.



George Vice emailed me, wondering why the Longhorns always seem to have the officials playing on their side, especially in the Big XII games.  He asked me to do a little research, and since he said "please", combined with the fact that I had nothing to write about this week, I decided to do a little digging.  Here is what I found: 




Texas #

Texas yds

Opp #

Opp yds








Ohio St












Iowa St






























Texas Tech






Okla State






Kansas State












Total (conf)






I was amazed at the numbers.  In Big XII games, Texas' opponents have racked up almost twice as many penalties for over 40% more yards.  In every game but the Baylor game, they had fewer penalties and fewer penalty yards than their opponents.  There are two options:  Texas is either the most disciplined team I have ever seen, or there is a grand conspiracy at work.

Let's look at the first one.  The most disciplined team?  A team coached by Mack Brown?  A team whose mascot is Matthew McConaughey?  A team whose locker room has six vending machines with nothing but Dorito's?  A team loaded up with more pot than the plumbing department at Home Depot?  Okay, that last one didn't work quite right, but you get my point.  There is no way that Texas merely plays its game at a more efficient level than their opponent week after week.  Which brings me to my second theory.

The Big XII knows that the defending champs are not only the league's bell cow, but its cash cow, and the one chance to represent the conference on the national stage.  They certainly don't want to do anything to derail the league's chance to have a power player in the BCS mix.  But wait, officials aren't biased!  Baloney.  Not to cater to my Tech readers again (hey, I know where my bread is buttered), but anyone that watched the Tech-Texas game knew that something was amiss.  Scroll back up and look at the penalties for that game.  Go ahead, I'll wait.  Sure, Tech has played some undisciplined football this year, (when have pirates ever followed rules?) but not only was Tech penalized for over 3 times as many yards, but the penalties that were called or not called came in key situations.  I'm not saying the officials were biased, okay I am, but one of the head officials was a UT alumnus and sits on the Austin chamber of commerce.  No, he certainly doesn't have a rooting interest.

I'm on a roll, so I'm going to keep going.  How is it that this practice is allowed to continue?  With all of the horrible officiating that has taken place this year, how can the league allow a graduate of a school to call his own school's games?  There is no way that he can call the game fairly.  I admit, if I was an official and was assigned to an A&M game, I would have trouble being Switzerland.  Not because I would deliberately cheat to help my team win, but my judgment would be clouded based on what I wanted to happen.  I went to A&M and one of my brothers went to Tech.  During the A&M-Tech game, there were several calls that we disagreed with each other on, even though we were both 100% sure we were right.  Why?  Because we had a rooting interest and saw what we wanted to see.

And as long as people are going to continue to buy that god-awful burnt orange clothing and Mack Brown is going to keep clapping and people with degrees in 5th Century Homosexual Zoology are going to keep officiating Longhorn games then the sports writers are going to keep looking at things and seeing that they are good, and the NCAA is going to continue to make O.J. Simpson look like King Solomon.



Okay, it is time for Aggies and Raiders to work together.  I don't mean at the office, I mean on the football field.  No more chiding each other about working for Domino's or getting amorous with sheep, we have to join forces.  We all know that Tech is a first half team that doesn't bring squat in the second 30, while the Aggies run in place for a while before they realize the game is going on.  But what if, like the Wonder Twins, we put our class rings together and took the form, not of a Webcam Stripper that sends everybody email with subject lines like "hey ppl, come see my vids i am so hot n want to get nekkid 4 u", but of a Superteam. Here is how it would work.

First, we would present ourselves as a single school, known as Techsas A&M and our mascot would be the Masked Agrarian Buccaneers.  The Team Formerly Known as Tech would take the field in the first half and use their high-powered offense to stake us to an early lead.  At half-time, we would all sneak into the locker room and The Team Formerly Known as The Aggies would don the maroon and black jerseys and take the field to go out and dominate the second half.

Now, in order for this to work, we have to convince the Aggie players that they have already played part of a game.  We will do this by bringing along an auxiliary field and dressing up a bunch of cats in jerseys of the opposing team.  The second-half squad will run around bewildered for about an hour and a half getting all of the crappy play out of their system so they can come out of the bullpen and slam the door.

Well, actually the Aggies seem to be having trouble closing the door the last few games.  So, in addition to the team switch, once the game gets to the last 2 minutes, a man with a giant knapsack will kidnap Coach Franchione and replace him with that monkey from the Acme Brick commercial.  You know the one with Troy Aikman where the monkey keeps hitting the red button and it keeps flashing "Acme Brick" on the screen no matter what the question is?  Only this monkey's button will say "Give the ball to Lane".  As long as no one sabotages the operation and changes it out with a sign that says "Kick Field Goal" then you can just go ahead and hand our newly formed conglomerate the trophy.


Looking Ahead

Oklahoma at Baylor 11:10 AM on FSN

Why to watch:  Oklahoma still has a chance to win the conference if they win out and A&M defeats Texas.  Of course, while we are playing that game, I suppose that theoretically the spawn of Britney and K-Fed have a chance at living a normal life and serving as Justices on the Supreme Court.

Why not to watch:  You are that Baylor guy that has been telling everyone "We're going bowling this year, man, I can FEEL it."

Missouri at Iowa State  1:00 PM

This is the part where the Iowa State sits there with 7 gunshot wounds to center mass, bleeding like a sieve, and the Missouri sneaks up behind it and with a quick move, like Chuck Norris, mercifully snaps the Cyclones neck and then does the little "Shhhh…" thing with it's index finger pressed against its lips before it drops the body and goes and ninja-kicks a bunch of drug lords.

Oklahoma State at Texas Tech 1:00 PM

Given that Oklahoma State has copied so much from Texas Tech (the masked rider, the guns up, the finishing in the middle of the Big XII South) the only way to distinguish the two teams is to remember that Tech is the team whose mascot looks like Yosemite Sam, and Oklahoma State is the team with the mascot that looks like a bowlegged Dennis Hopper.  Both teams are technically bowl eligible, but need this game to ensure one of the Big XII's slots.

Kansas State at Kansas  2:30 PM on FSN

Why to watch:  You checked out "The Best Damn Sports Show Period" last night and got so mad at the lack of anything meaningful being presented that you chunked your remote across the room and it landed in the aquarium, leaving you the choice of staying on Fox Sports until your wife gets back into town or getting off of the couch.

Why not to watch:  Psst.  Michigan and Ohio State is on.  You know #1 versus #2 instead of  #45 and #73.  Throw a shoe at the TV buttons if you have to.


In Conclusion

Well, thanks for sticking with me.  I will finish covering the regular season games, and then do a bowl preview and a bowl recap issue.

If you would like to discuss this week's column with the Raiderpower community, you can check it out here.  Or you can email me at but put RAIDERPOWER in the subject line so I can find it if it gets stuck in the spam filter.

Random shouts out to Rick Sharp, Mark Sparrow (for the new logo), Jesus, and finally, RedRaider3290.

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