Previously, On The Weakly Retort
A bunch of
jokes about my sports-retarded boss that none of you know. Mark Mangino fat
jokes. Guy Morriss incestual shower jokes. Really half-arsed sports research.
Lukewarm sports opinions. Way too many typos for a guy obsessed with spelling
and grammar. That's pretty much it.
While You Were Out
has been almost 8 long months since we were last blessed with the ambrosia that
is college football, and a lot of things have happened. My boss is now my
former former boss (I guess I am rough on management). But all three bosses
still work at the company, so I still run into them, and none of the three knows
as little about sports as first boss (we will call him "Doug" because that is
his name), so I will continue to rail on the ridiculous sports usements he
attempts to structure throughout the year. I also have a bigger monitor, so I
can watch TV on my computer while I gurgitate this tripe. Wait. Why isn't
gurgitate a word? How can you regurgitate if you can't merely gurgitate. Here
goes another night staring at the ceiling. That's about it.
Before We Get Started
For those of you that are new to The Weakly Retort, you may occasionally be insulted by some of the humor. However, if you take a deep breath and keep reading, you will notice that I spread the fun pretty evenly, including piling heaping gobs of it on my beloved Aggies. I am not a Jim "The Doosh" Rome wannabe that makes outrageous claims just to piss off as many people as possible. I merely like to make people laugh. Sometimes you may get mad, and that is really not my intent.
Miss South Carolina struggling with the map question. Click image to view video.
But, we all need to learn to laugh at ourselves. When something embarrassing happens, we shouldn't try and talk your way out of it and overly defend it like Miss South Carolina. Merely embrace it, laugh at it, and if it makes you feel better, fire off a nonsensical email full of horrendous grammar and third grade spelling. Don't worry; I'm aware that English is a kinesiology course at Oklahoma State.
At this point, most respectable journalists would give you their preview of the season, including a predicted order of finish, and pray to their maker that you didn't actually archive it and bring it back up later in the year in order to kick the stool of smuggery out from under them. Sure, I could merely reiterate what I've read from countless other sources: Texas and Oklahoma should battle for the South Championship, A&M has a weak receiving corps, Texas has a weak o-line and secondary, Tech has a weak defense, Lindsay Lohan has a weak resolve, Baylor has a weak football program, the Big XII North plays football on Saturdays. However, I don't watch all of the spring games. I don't subscribe to any insider recruiting sites (although I highly recommend Scout.com, who just might give me a free subscription for the plug). I haven't watched the 25 hours of coverage on ESPN.
And since I always complain about preseason polls being so meaningless, I will take a rare stand against hypocrisy and wait until some teams have actually played with someone besides themselves before I make any predictions. I must maintain the strict journalistic integrity that you have all come to expect. Or, it could be that I am distracted by my fantasy draft which is going on right now, which I have done just about as much research for as I have this column, which is why every time I make a pick, the chat board lights up with "dude, he's hurt, LOLz!" or "hes not even a starter, ROFL" or "havent u watched the news AT ALL the past 3 months? i'm surprised they even let you pick him, IYKWIMAITYD".
So in short, look for my predictions in a few weeks as conference play gets set to begin (we in the industry call this "stalling").
Cheaters Really Do Win
What do all of these have in common? Barry Bonds. That Tour de France guy last year whose name my brain deemed not important enough to remember. My buddy Steve's no-good wife. The Oklahoma Sooners. That's right, unlike some U.S. Americans, they all have maps. Oh, and they're all a bunch of cheaters (sorry you had to find out this way Steve-O, but dude, you're too good for her, let's go get a beer or something.) The problem is that they basically all got away with it. Oklahoma was funneling money to some of their players through a car dealership, and all they got was a slap on the wrist. They lost two scholarships (equivalent to the two players who would be on the team) and had to forfeit their wins from 2 years ago. Big freaking deal. Personally, I would like to pose some more stringent penalties.
This is a yarmulke.
First, Bob Stoops must wear a real hat. No more LPGA visors. I don't care if his head itches, he has trouble keeping cool, or if he wants to make sure that the aliens can read his thoughts. He must coach the 2007 season with a full hat. On second thought, scratch that. I decree that he must patrol the Sooner Sidelines in a crimson yarmulke (see right). To be fully punished, he should only be allowed to wear the part of the hat that he has shunned throughout his coaching career. The top part.
Second, since it was a Quarterback and an Offensive Lineman that were caught cheating, instead of merely losing a scholarship for each of them, they should actually lose the entire position. That's right, the Sooners must play this year without a quarterback. It's not really as bad as it sounds, they did it last year. And it looks like they were planning on doing it again this year anyway. Just snap the ball directly to the running backs. Or fumble it, I don't care. Now, losing an offensive lineman is going to be more tricky, because not only are they are not going to be allowed to replace him, they can't even adjust their splits to compensate. They must simply leave a hole. Look for Coach Franchione to debut the 1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1-1 defense, as 11 guys lineup and run through the empty hole. Sadly, they will still score 31 points.
And finally, speaking of the Aggies, I would like to make a deal on behalf of the Aggie Nation. We agree to let you keep your 2005 win, and not forfeit it as the NCAA decreed. However, you are forced to cut the score of your 2003 victory over us in half, meaning the record will show that you only defeated us 38.5 – 0. And you have to throw in a box of Little Debbies.
Here is where I break down the upcoming TV games and tell you why you should or shouldn't watch. I will also take a quick swim through the other Big XII matchups. All times are in Central Time because that is where I live.
Colorado State vs. Colorado 11:00 AM on FSN
Why to watch: Interstate rivalry
Why not to watch: That state is Colorado.
Nevada at Nebraska 2:30 PM on ABC
Why to watch: Both teams start with "Ne".
Why not to watch: One team will finish with 65 points.
Missouri at Illinois 2:30 PM on ESPN2
Why to watch: Missouri looks to be the champ in the North. This is your first chance to see if Chase Daniels is the real deal.
Why not to watch: You are too busy seeing if Jack Daniels is the real deal.
Televangelist Pat Robertson flashing the Hook 'Em.
Baylor at TCU 5:00 PM on CSTV
Why to watch: You get CSTV, which has less viewers that the Trinity Broadcasting Network, but no blue haired ladies telling you to send money or Jesus will strike you down with leprosy. Although Grant Teaff may do the same thing.
Why not to watch: You tuned in late because no college football games ever start at 5:00, and Baylor is already losing by 21.
Oklahoma State at Georgia 5:45 PM on ESPN2
Why to watch: This should actually be an interesting game, plus it might be in HD.
Why not to watch:
Arkansas State at Texas 6:00 PM on FSN PPV
Why to watch: It is a few bucks cheaper than Wrestlemania
Why not to watch: You blew those last few bucks on a burnt orange t-shirt.
North Texas at Oklahoma 6:00 PM on FSN
Why to watch: You're from anywhere but Southlake and want to see what happens when Todd Dodge finally loses a football game.
Why not to watch: Because FSN's crappy cameras give you a headache.
Kansas State at Auburn 6:45 PM on ESPN
Why to watch: Will probably be in HD. (Can you tell I got an HDTV over the break?)
Why not to watch: Holy crap, all of these games are on TV and I'm going to have to listen to Dave South on the internet?
Texas Tech at SMU 3:00 PM Monday on ESPN
Why to watch: You are having withdrawals from not watching football on Sunday.
Why not to watch: You have to work. HA HA!
Kansas takes on Central Michigan in a game I won't pay any attention to, A&M plays Montana State in a game where I won't have any idea what is going on, and Iowa State plays Kent State in a game that was on yesterday.
Well, that's all I've got, folks. If you want to send me an email, you can send it to email@example.com Be sure to put WEAKLY RETORT in the subject line so I can find it if it gets stuck in the SPAM filter. If you want to comment and share opinions with the community, you can click here to go to the RaiderPower.com forum.