The Weakly Retort

PsychoAg joins us again for another edition of the Weakly Retort. A fan favorite since 2005, the Retort takes a light-hearted look at the college football landscape, with a specific emphasis on the Big 12.

20/20 Hindsight

Some of these games are so bad that I won't even bother to look up the stats to try and find a smarmy comment to make.  Let's just fight through this mostly-horrific non-conference season and get to the real games, shall we?

Oklahoma 51 – Miami 13
See.  This is why I want to wait until after the non-conference games before I make any predictions.  I take back all of the horrible things I said about the Oklahoma Sooners and their new quarterback.  Except the part about him being a freaky looking cross-eyed monster, which I am saying right now.

Nebraska 20 – Wake Forrest 17
This one was a lot closer than most expected, and was a pretty exciting game.  Unfortunately for Nebraska, it isn't going to get any easier.

Texas A&M 47 – Fresno State 45

Oh dear, where to begin?  A&M stumbled out to an early lead, but let the Bulldogs play catch-up, ultimately leading to a 3OT thriller.  Actually, just because it went into three overtimes doesn't make it a thriller.  Especially if you were one of the people there in the 100+

Jorvorskie Lane and E.J. Shankle celebrate their huge win over Fresno St. with a Horns down symbol. Huh?

degree heat for 4.5 hours.  You may say I am not a "good Ag", but it sure was great in my 77 degree house, even though it wasn't in HD (bite me OneSource). 

Still, the one thing that everyone is complaining about more than the heat is the Aggies lack of a vertical passing game.  Call me crazy, but I really don't see how throwing the ball straight up in the air is going to help us in the least.  Sure we have a 6'7" tight end that could jump up and rebound it, but aside from having a ridiculous completion percentage albeit with an equally ridiculous yards per catch average, it just doesn't sound like solid football strategy.  Which means look forward to seeing how Coach Fran will implement it this week against ULaMon.

Missouri 38 – Mississippi 25
Chase Daniels continues to show that he is the real deal in the battle of states that kids can't spell.  Daniels amassed 396 yards and through for five touchdowns in a game that started off like a breeze and then got ugly late.  Not 3 overtimes ugly, but ugly.

Northern Iowa 24 – Iowa State 13
Good grief Iowa State is bad.  Losing to a I-AA team should drop them out of the rankings.  Uh, yeah.

Baylor 42 – Rice 17
Blake Syzymyzyanskyzyiz does almost as much damage to the Owls defense as he would to your Scrabble game, setting school records for passing yards and touchdowns.  This game had all of the drama of the headgear kid beating up the asthma kid.

Texas 34 – TCU 13
TCU shows they are ready to play with the big boys, as long as the games are only 45 minutes.  Still, they put a good scare in the Longhorns and made for some interesting TV before completely folding like a fitted sheet.  Which is actually kind of hard to fold, at least correctly.

Kansas 62 – Southeastern Louisiana 0
I'm not even going to justify this with a comment about the game.  Kansas is trying so hard to be bowl eligible by scheduling the absolute worst teams they can find.  While I guess it makes the alumni happy, it sure doesn't make for good TV viewing.

Texas Tech 45 – UTEP 31
Much like the monsters from horror films, Tech showed that you should always finish the job when you are ahead.  UTEP ran out to the early lead, but failed to drive the silver bullet through the mummy's heart, leaving the Red Raiders to come back and win by 2 touchdowns.

Oklahoma State 42 – Florida Atlantic 6
Dude.  Weak.

Kansas State 34 – San Jose State 14
Nothing to see here, folks.

Arizona State 33 – Colorado 14
At least Colorado has the intestinal fortitude to play a decent opponent.  Unfortunately, they get the contents of their intestines beaten out of them

Around the Nation

Michigan and Notre Dame continue to struggle.  Two teams with such rich history are now the laughing-stock of the NCAA.  The good news is that one of them has to win this week, and finally garner their first victory of the year.  The bad news is that one of them is going to be 0-3.

Longhorn Lockup

Well it looks like the Aggies have passed the penal torch (that sounds painful) to the Texas Longhorns.  With Tyrell Gatewood's arrest yesterday, that makes the 5th arrest of a Longhorn player since June.  Previous lawbreakers include Sergio Kindle and Henry Melton, who were busted for drunk driving, and Dre Jones and Robert Joseph, who were pinched for aggravated robbery.

Mug shot of the latest UT arrestee, Tyrell Gatewood.

What is going on down in Austin?  I realize this doesn't only happen at Texas, but I think that the laxity with which Mack Brown polices his program creates the need for someone else to do it.  Namely, THE police.  I'm not here to bash Coach Mack so much as I am to get on my soap box about these kids.  You punks need to straighten up.  All of you.  By playing college football, you are given a chance to do something that thousands of fat slobs across America have always dreamed of doing and would literally give their left leg to be a part of (not literally, figuratively, it wouldn't work very well if they did it literally).  You are being given a free education, a chance to prepare yourself for the rest of your life, and instead you are acting like a complete moron and throwing it all away.

So, I am calling on the NCAA to crack down on this.  Not just a one or two game suspension.  Pull the scholarship and give it to someone that deserves it.  Someone that runs a 5.4 40 yard dash.  Someone that can't jump over a phone book.  Someone that wants to be an electrical engineer and write stupid columns for a rival website.  Or his kid, so he can buy a boat with the college fund he has saved up.

But this goes for you (us) nerds, too.  If you are at school on an academic scholarship, and you can't seem to stay out of the pokey, then you shouldn't be paid to go to school either.  They should take your scholarship and give it to some fry cook that at least works hard and stays out of trouble.  Or get me a boat, either way.

So, this is something that really bugs me, and I am not picking on the Longhorns, they just happen to be the ones in the news right now.  But it does explain why they seem to get all of the whistles going their way.  The men in stripes just feel like they are part of the team.

Big XII Is Like A Box Of Donuts

Occasionally, I will pick up a box of donuts on Friday to take into work.  Apparently, a 98 cent donut is inspiration enough to get people to show up for meetings.  (I am not important, I just have a lot of meetings.)  Last week, I noticed that the makeup of the box of donuts reminded me of the Big XII.  Twelve very different teams, 12 very different donuts.  After considering which donut represented which school, this is what I came up with.

Texas A&M – This one is easy.  It's the one with all of the nuts.

Texas Tech – Texas Tech is like a frosted bagel with wiener-shaped sprinkles and an eye patch with the f-word on it. You're wondering how I'm going to explain this one, aren't you?  Well, it sure seems like a donut and it has a purely offensive style, but no matter how much you look at it, it just isn't quite something you are used to seeing anywhere else.

The Big XII is like a box of donuts.  Note: All donuts may not be represented in the Big XII donut breakdown.

Oklahoma State – "We want another one of whatever Tech is."  Only staler and with orange sprinkles.  Yeah, that's us.

Kansas State – Under Bill Snyder, the Wildcats were like a blueberry donut.  Nobody really loves it, nobody really hates it.  It seems healthier than it really is because it has blueberries, just like Kansas State seemed to be better than they were because they scheduled weak teams and used a bunch of juco players.  Now, they are more like a cream filled donut, just waiting to be the spoiler, but never being the first out of the box.

Iowa State – This year's Iowa State team is a powdered donut, because they are going to disappear quickly and leave a mess behind.  Kind of weak.  The Missouri one coming up is also weak, so I went back and spaced them further apart.

Nebraska – Air Cornhusker reminds me of one of those glazed donuts without trans fats that Dunkin Donuts is coming out with.  It is a traditional favorite, but they feel the need to rejuvenate by changing things up and they are getting rid of the one thing that made them great.  Yes, I just compared a football running game to trans fats.

Kansas – You may think that Kansas would be a cupcake.  Not exactly true, they only schedule cupcakes.  They remind me of a cinnamon roll.  A great big, sticky, 500 calorie cinnamon roll that swears at its players.

Oklahoma – Chocolate frosted.  Slick. Popular.  Handled by a guy in a ridiculous hat.  Yet count on anything it touches ending up kid of dirty.

Colorado – A pot brownie.  Not that I had one of these in my dozen, but it just seemed more appropriate than a lemon cruller.

Texas – Based on their recent legal woes, the Texas Football program reminds me of a jelly donut.  On first glance, there appear to be no obvious holes in the thing.  However, once you look deep inside, you find nothing but an unhealthy mess.

Missouri -  Kringles, because they are many people's favorite in the North.  Yeah, that's all I got.  I'm pretty sure I had something better written down before, but somebody (wife) threw away my notes.  Not her fault, I wrote them on the back of a torn up envelope.

Baylor – The strange pink donut that they always seem to throw in there.  Nobody ever picks it, is just kind of rounds out the dozen.

Disagree?  Email me your thoughts on what's in your donut box, and I will list the best ones next week.  Heck, maybe together we can all come up with a great list and then forward it to everyone we know and tell people that if they forward it on to 20 people, then a nude picture of Lee Corso will pop up and tell them who is going to win the Michigan – Notre Dame game.  Yeah.  Go internets!

Looking Ahead

This looks like the week of the season where everybody scrambles to schedule the worst team they can find.  This is one of those weekends where you are best served to just put on the radio, listen to your favorite team, and get that yard squared away.  All times are in Central Time because that is where I live.

Oklahoma State at Troy  7:30PM on ESPN2 (September 14th)
Why not to watch:  Dude, it's Friday!  Let's party!
Why to watch:  Your Magic: The Gathering group got the flu.

Iowa at Iowa State  12:30 PM on VERSUS
It doesn't look to get any better as the Cyclones take on their INTRAstate rival, the Hawkeyes.
Why to watch:  Schadenfreude
Why not to watch:  Lunchentime

Texas Tech at Rice  2:00 PM on FSN
Why to watch:  To see if Tech can score 300 points.
Why not to watch:  You hate arena football.  Especially when it is played outside.

(6) Texas at Central Florida  2:30 on ESPN2
Why not to watch:  Non-Conference scheduling makes baby Jesus cry.
Why to watch:  You've never seen a player get arrested DURING a game.

Utah State at (3) Oklahoma  2:30 on PPV
Why not to watch:  You have to pay for it.
Why to watch:  You won 30 bucks playing "The Lotto"

(1) USC at (14) Nebraska  7:00 PM on ABC
Definitely the best game of the week.  Sure Nebraska will probably get blasted, but at least both teams have a number next to their name.

DON'T MISS OUT!!! Showdown in Lawrence on Saturday between the Rockets and Jayhawks.

Florida State at Colorado  9:00 PM on ESPN
Two one time powerhouses that have struggled for the past couple of years.  It is kind of like watching Muhammad Ali fighting Britney Spears.  (Psychoag does not advocate violence against women.  Even ones that are just barely women.)

Western Michigan at Missouri – Are you serious?
Texas State at Baylor – Seems fair.
Louisiana-Monroe at (25) Texas A&M – Four overtimes, anyone?
Toledo at Kansas – I'm guessing this isn't even interesting enough to be on the radio.  Hope you have a telegraph.
Missouri State at Kansas State – I got nothing.

Mail Call

This week I got a lot of emails that asked if I had a mailing list where I mail out the column.  Apparently, a lot of people are receiving The Weakly Retort by email and want to see where it comes from.  First of all, I think that is awesome, and I greatly appreciate the fact that you enjoy my little labor of love enough to send it on to your friends.

The answer is that I don't have a mailing list.  I may set one up to let you know when the column has been posted, but out of respect to the owners of RaiderPower (or any of the other fine websites), I only put the column up on the website in order to drive any traffic to their sites in thanks for letting me have this chunk of cyberspace to spew my silliness. 

You certainly aren't forbidden from emailing the column to anyone, but I think the powers that be would appreciate it if you just emailed a link.


Well, that's all I've got, folks.  If you want to send me an email, you can send it to  Be sure to put WEAKLY RETORT in the subject line so I can find it if it gets stuck in the SPAM filter.  I really appreciate your feedback and if you ask a question (about anything at this point) I will answer it in next week's column.

I know my former former boss only reads this to see what I will say about him, so this week I won't even mention him, just to show him who's boss.  See what I did there?  He won't.  He won't read down this far.

Random shout out to "TENBOLLS" for being the fastest one on the draw in the Raider Alley forum.  And a very reluctant shout out to "parlayraider" who kind of creeps me out a little bit.

If you want to comment and share opinions with the community, you can click here to go to the forum.  (<--- or here)


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