After watching my Aggies perform one of the most inept displays of football that I have seen in a long time, I am a bit grouchy. It is 10:30. I am tired. I think I sat on my keys. Real hard. So, until I have time to cool down, I am just going to pretend that the game happened next week and am going to include it in that retort. Or I may pretend that it didn't happen at all. My column. My rules. My apparently extremely slow-acting liver. My little buttercup.
Troy 41 – Oklahoma State 23
For a team that looked to be at least a force in the Big XII with their high-powered offense, the Okie State Cowboys have fallen completely flat, this time getting ambushed by mighty Troy of the Sunbelt Conference. The way they are playing now, I don't know if they could beat just a dude named Troy. However, this seems to be par for the course for OSU. They have young players and start off the season slow and then come back to surprise someone at the end. Although, they may not have to wait until the end, because they play A&M in two weeks. See, I said I wasn't going to go there. Look what you made me do.
Iowa State 15 – Iowa 13
Whoa. I didn't see that one coming. Iowa State comes out of the Big XII North quagmire to beat an Iowa team that used to be good, but I haven't gotten interested enough to see if they are still good. Obviousfrickinglynot.
Missouri 52 – Western Michigan 24
I don't know which is more amazing, that there really is a school named Western Michigan, or the fact that this game even got to within 14 points in the second half. Whew! Thank goodness they didn't play Eastern Michigan! That could have been dicey!
Texas Tech 59 – Rice 24
Tech struggled a little bit early in this one, but by the time it was over, they had put up their typical 6 miles of offense and 35 touchdowns. You won't find that in the stat sheets, but trust me, it pretty much happened. I rule at math. Real hard.
Oklahoma 54 – Utah State 3
I apologize for referring to Freshman Quarterback Something Bradford (I'm not actually going to take the time to go back and change "something" to his real first name, so don't email me) as a "cross-eyed monster" last week. In a rare moment of actual research, I found that Dictionary.com says a monster is "any creature so ugly or monstrous as to frighten people". Oh, good work, dictionary.com, using "monstrous" in the definition of "monster". I also looked up "cross-eyes" and, not surprisingly, it said "having crossed eyes". At least they didn't say "Something Crosseyedrous". This means that 1) they don't know anything more than you or I do, and 2) I was at least half right in my initial assertion. I'll let you pick which half.
Texas 35 – UCF 32
Holy cow. For the second time in 3 weeks, Texas is just a play away from losing to a scrub team, yet they are still ranked in the top 10 because Brent Musberger gets 300 votes. That explains why Jack Arute is ranked number 17 and Major Applewhite is receiving votes. I don't know which is more amazing (apparently I have the inability to distinguish the amazingness of things this evening) the fact the Longhorns almost lost to a team that has been around less time than American Idol, or the fact that UCF built a brand new football stadium without water fountains. Seriously, no water fountains. People were dropping like flies in the stands. Have you ever seen flies poop? Does fly poop exist? Could something actually be dropping like fly droppings? I'm losing it.
In case you're wondering, this disgusting group of people is Twisted Sister
Baylor 34 – Texas State 27
Thank goodness for Baylor pulling this one out. I would hate for poor, downtrodden Guy Morriss to realize that losing to Texas State is like showering with Twisted Sister.
Texas A&M 54 – Louisiana Monroe 14
HA! And you thought we didn't have a passing game. I bet we go undefeated this year, haters. Move on.
Kansas 45 – Toledo 13
See, I'm getting sick of this. Thank God this non-conference filth is almost over. I have to think up something for 12 games instead of 6, and half the games are like this. What can I possibly say about this game? If Kansas would have lost, I could have at least said something bromidially unclever like "Wholly Toledo!". But no, they won. Imagine that. I can't even find a good fat joke. Screw it. Next.
Kansas State 61 – Missouri State 10
Kansas State scored 61 points. Missouri scored 10. That's all you get.
USC 49 – Nebraska 31
Kudos to the Cornhuskers for at least scheduling a game that should have been worth watching. I know it didn't turn out that well, but they get a pass this week for at least having the guts to not schedule a school with a direction or a hyphen in their name.
Florida State 16 – Colorado 6
Another team. Another solid matchup. Another loss. The Big XII (except for Oklahoma) seems to be entirely overmatched by non-conference foes that anyone has ever heard of. Even the struggling Florida State jumps out early and hangs on to once again tarnish the name of our conference. Only this isn't the kind of tarnish you can just rub away with Oxyclean, because it is metaphorical. Or simileical. I can never remember which is which. The good news about conference play beginning in two weeks is that we are guaranteed to close out the regular season with a .500 record.
Leave Coach Fran Alone
Okay, the Retort is a little short this week. One, because it is late and A&M was on TV. And two, because I spent all of my time this week working on what you are about to see.
This started as a little something I was going to stick into The
Retort this week to be kind of goofy, but I put it on youtube early and it kind
of blew up. As of this writing, it has over 35,000 hits. My wife is never going
out of town again.
To set this up, if you haven't seen the little squirrely guy crying about Brittney Spears, then you need to click on this link first. I linked the Jimmy Kimmel version because it has the f-bombs bleeped out.
LEAVE BRITTNEY SPEARS ALONE!!
So, after seeing this, my gears started turning and with a quick setup of the video camera, I came up with my own version. And I share it with you here on The Weakly Retort…
LEAVE COACH FRAN ALONE!!
Comments, ratings and forwarding are appreciated.
Yesterday alone, this ridiculous bit was on the radio several times in Dallas. Twice on The Ticket, on ESPN radio, and on Pugs and Kelly. The discussion of it even made #3 on the Ticket top 10. It was linked from several websites, such as http://bobanddan.net and Every Day Should Be Saturday and numerous blogs and forums, and got the following Youtube honors:
Honors for This Video:
#55 - Most Viewed (Today)
#16 - Most Viewed (Today) - Entertainment
#75 - Top Rated (Today)
#22 - Top Rated (Today) - Entertainment
#90 - Top Rated (This Week) - Entertainment
#21 - Most Discussed (Today) - Entertainment
#30 - Top Favorites (Today) - Entertainment
#48 - Most Linked (Today) - Entertainment
If you happen to know of other places where it showed up, I would appreciate an email so I can thank those who posted or hosted it. I even put a cheap plug for the Weakly Retort and RaiderPower at the end of it.
It is now almost 12:30 and I have to work tomorrow, so let's kick this. Here's what to watch and what is up ahead.
Oklahoma at Tulsa 7:00 PM Friday on ESPN2
Why to watch: The season premiere of NUMB3RS isn't for like another week.
Why not to watch: College football shouldn't be played on Friday Nights.
Ball State at Nebraska 11:30 AM on FSNMW-PPV
Why to watch: So you can learn which star on the flag "Ball" is.
Why not to watch: I have no idea what FSNMW-PPV means.
Texas Tech at Oklahoma State 2:30 on FSN
Why to watch: First conference game of the year. One of these teams is going to be in the driver's seat for at least a week.
Why not to watch: We already know that team won't be Oklahoma State.
Rice at Texas 6:00 PM on FSNSW
Why to watch: To see if Texas can almost get tripped up by a ridiculously bad team again.
Why not to watch: Your house doesn't have water fountains. Okay, that was stupid. Most houses don't have water fountains.
Well, that's all I've got, folks. If you want to send me an email, you can send it to email@example.com Be sure to put WEAKLY RETORT in the subject line so I can find it if it gets stuck in the SPAM filter. I really appreciate your feedback and if you ask a question (about anything at this point) I will answer it in next week's column.
Random Shout Out: This week's shoutout goes to BionicTechsan because he asked for one. (This doesn't always work.)
If you want to comment and share opinions with the community, you can click here to go to the RaiderPower.com forum.