The Weakly Retort

PsychoAg joins us again for another edition of the Weakly Retort. A fan favorite since 2005, the Retort takes a light-hearted look at the college football landscape, with a specific emphasis on the Big 12.


So with a new kid on the way, I am going to need a new truck.  My F-150 with the half back seat just isn't going to cut it.  With my 6'6" breeding stock generating abnormally large children, it doesn't even work with the 2 year old that I have as the poor 3 foot plus kiddo sits in her car seat resting her feet in the cup holders.  Forget trying to put another one back there.

But as I look at trucks, and the options presented to me, I have no idea which way to go.  Do I need a truck that can pull train cars up out of a ravine?  Or maybe one that can hold a motorcycle in place if a giant robot arm picks me up off the highway and turns me upside down.  But then again, what if I need to pull a heavy trailer up a giant seesaw?  Or stop a cargo plane on a runway?  Or need to speed between closing giant metal doors and slam on the brakes before careening into a canyon?  What should I do?

Lawn Mower
Testing out the new truck.
Where is the commercial that says, "Hey.  You can put a grill back here in the bed.  Or a riding lawnmower.  And your freakishly large kids will fit on the inside.  Check out how cold this air is!  Pick me."?  I really doubt I punctuated that correctly, and my former former boss, the grammar bastard, is going to email me and that will be his only comment.

20/20 Hindsight:

Man, what a wild week in College Football, and especially the Big XII. Upsets aplenty and the Big XII South is completely upside down, with Texas A&M and Oklahoma State on top and Texas and OU sitting on the bottom.  There is no way that it stays like this, but it is fun (for some) while it lasts.

Texas A&M 34 – Baylor 10
While Coach Franchione's play-calling against Miami had all of the creativity of a writers' meeting for ABC's new "hit" "Cavemen", he decided to "30 Rock" the house a little bit against lowly Baylor.  See what I did there?  Twice?  Although, the play-calling had much less to do with the victory than did the Baylor receivers apparently wearing oven mitts covered in Astroglide.  The Aggies failed to execute in the red zone, consistently stalling drives and missing field goals, but Baylor failed to score themselves as their receivers dropped more balls than a clumsy veterinarian's assistant at a free spay and neuter clinic.  I've officially run out of analogies.

Colorado 27 – Oklahoma 24
Meanwhile, things are melting down in Norman, as the Sooners fall to the Buffalos in Boulder 27-24 on a last second field goal.  Until this game, it looked like Oklahoma was going to run away with the Big XII, and possibly the whole enchilada.  Now they face the Longhorns next week in a suddenly much-easier-to-score-tickets-to matchup in the Cotton Bowl to see who can avoid dropping to 0-2 and being relegated to side of refried beans status in the cellar of the Big XII South.

Nebraska 35 – Iowa State 17
Up in the North, the Nebraska Cornhuskers roll over the hapless Iowa State Cyclones, who fell to 1-4 on the year.  Going on the road to face the always dangerous at home Red Raiders, followed by four straight games against ranked teams, the Cyclones will most likely be sitting at 1-9 come mid-November.  Hey, they could still be better off than Notre Dame.

Kansas State 41 – Texas 21
The Texas Longhorns and former Heisman candidate Colt McCoy finally found a bullet they couldn't dodge as they go down at home to the Kansas State Wildcats 41-21.  KSU almost hits for the cycle, as they score via a rushing touchdown, a passing touchdown, a punt return, a kickoff return, an interception return, and a field goal.  If only they could have gotten a safety.  How bad most the Longhorns feel when their offense outscores their opponents' offense, yet they lose by 20 points.  This is not going to make the fans happy down in Austin.  After Mack Brown finally shed the "Do Less With More" label by winning a National Championship, it is once again looking like it was less about Mack Brown and more about Vince Young.  Colt McCoy will be lucky to survive the season playing behind this offensive line.  I haven't seen protection this bad since Nerf started making condoms.

Texas Tech 75 – Northwestern State 7
In a game that had all of the drama of playing the six year old neighbor kid with casts on both hands in NCAA Football 2008, Tech demolished Northwestern State 75-7, holding the Demons to 118 total yards a week after their defensive coordinator, Lyle Setencich, walked the plank.  It's hard to say whether new defensive coordinator Ruffin McNeill had more to do with this or it was merely the level of the competition, but those at the game said the defense looked much sharper and was tackling better than they had in years.  If this Tech team can put together a real-deal defense, then look for them to make waves in the South.

Oklahoma State 39 – Sam Houston State 3
Also, in Playstationesque football, the Oklahoma State Cowboys took a break from berating the media to lay a 39-3 whoopin' on the Sam Houston State Bearkats, who were led by former Big Red Sports and Imports Employee of the Month Rhett Bomar.  The one-time OU product was held out of the endzone for the first time this season.  After the game, he complimented the Cowboys, saying, "I have a lot of respect for those guys… I wish them a lot of luck the rest of the year, especially against that other school here."  Man, talk about biting the hand that pays you for not working.  Or something.

Leave Coach Fran A Loan

It is not easy being a football coach.  How sad has our economy gotten when a football coach can't get by on a mere $2 million anymore?  As many of you know, Coach Fran, unable to continue funding his Little Debbie habit, was forced to turn to a life of undercover intelligence and shady dealings as he began pimping information to high-rolling donors in a secret newsletter.  Apparently, for a mere $1200, subscribers could have access to injury information, opinions on personnel, Air Supply lyrics, and even the first few plays that the team would run on Saturday.

Dennis Franchione
"Sweet, $14,400!"
Too bad nobody revised that list and sent it back to him.  Still, you have to wonder what he was thinking.  $1200 times 12 donors only amounts to $14,400, which he claimed was used to underwrite his website.  Why do you do stuff like this when you are already getting way overpaid for the job you are doing?  This is like Mark Cuban getting busted for scalping tickets to the Wiggles.

The story here is that this IS a story.  If Coach Fran were consistently leading the Aggies to Top 25 finishes and competing for conference championships, then none of this would have ever made news.  However, after years of mediocrity and then the football abortion that occurred against Miami, I think one of the newsletter recipients leaked something in the hopes of stirring up trouble.

I also think that if Fran weren't sucking so bad that he makes peoples' ears pop everywhere he goes, that he would make it through this unscathed.  But now, Athletic Director Bill Byrne may have found the reason to go in another direction.  ***Random Interjection:  Lou Holtz is doing magic tricks right now on SportsCenter.  What the frick?***  Only, time will tell what will happen here, but in the meantime, for a mere $1.20, you can get the double-secret Weakly Retort, where I will give you hot stock tips and tell you how to get a bigger wiener, just by cutting and pasting from my Yahoo spam folder.

Looking Ahead

Kansas at (24) Kansas State  11:00 AM on FSN
Why to watch:  It will be the first time that Kansas has played anyone this year.  Time to see if their weak schedule will prepare them for a team coming off an emotional victory.  Lots of clichés with this one.
Why not to watch:  Busy getting drunk before the Texas – OU game.

Oklahoma vs. Texas  2:30 PM on ABC
Why to watch:  Even with the tarnished records, this is still one of the elite matchups.
Why not to watch:  You can't wait to see one of these two teams at 0-2 in conference play.

Oklahoma State at Texas A&M  6:30 PM on FSN
Why to watch:  The top teams in the Big XII South do battle for sole possession of first place.
Why not to watch:  With these teams, that is about like trying to decide whether Brittney or K-Fed is the more suitable parent.

Nebraska at Missouri  8:15 PM on ESPN
Why to watch:  A matchup of Big XII North Heavyweights.
Why not to watch:  A matchup of Big XII North Heavyweights.

Other games:
Colorado at Baylor  6:00 PM
Iowa State at Texas Tech  6:00 PM  Rumor has it, that the Saddle Tramps scheduled a Pep Rally to teach the fans how to yell "De-fense" instead of "F*@# Lyle".


Well, that's all I've got, folks.  If you want to send me an email, you can send it to  Be sure to put WEAKLY RETORT in the subject line so I can find it if it gets stuck in the SPAM filter.  I really appreciate your feedback and if you ask a question (about anything at this point) I will answer it in next week's column.

Random High Five:  A random high five goes out this week to my buddy BionicTechsan and his new robot arm.

This week's Random Shout Out goes to ManWithNoName and RWoody03 for organizing the Annual "Grills Gone Wild" tailgate for the A&M – Tech game.  Full details and location will be posted next week.  Hope to see you there.  Click Here for more information.

If you want to comment and share opinions with the community, you can click here to go to the forum.


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