The Weakly Retort

PsychoAg joins us again for another edition of the Weakly Retort. A fan favorite since 2005, the Retort takes a light-hearted look at the college football landscape, with a specific emphasis on the Big 12.


It's that time of year again.  No, I'm not talking about baseball playoffs.  If the Rangers aren't playing, then I ain't watching.  I'm talking about the third-tier classless retard clowns take on the arrogant sheep-humping nazis, at least if you listen to a lot of message board posters.  However, as you will notice, the more you really get to talk to fans of the other school, the more you will learn that most are pretty reasonable.  Oh, sure, there is always some good natured smack, but for the most part, people realize it is just a football game.

And what better way to meet fans of the other team and share our love for all things college football than to take in some tailgating.  For those of you that will be heading to the big rumble between the Aggies and Raiders this weekend, here is the lowdown on some of the big events:

Where:  Parking lot between 82 and 18th street
When:  You know, kinda whenever

WHEN: Fun begins tonight at 10PM.  Saturday, fun continues before & after the game.
WHAT:  The American Tailgaters Association National Tailgate of the Week - we will be cooking over 400 lbs of meat, have 2 live concerts (one before and one after the game), big screen satellite TV, tailgate games, contests, live radio broadcast on ROCK 101, and much more - including beer!
OTHER:  Everyone is welcome and the tailgate is funded by generous donations from fans such as yourself.

Who: Texas Tech chapter of Knights of Columbus
What: First Annual Chili Cook-Off
When: 6:30pm-10:30pm Friday, October 12, 2007
Where: North Parking Lot of St. Elizabeth's University Parish off Main St.
Why: We are putting this on as a fundraiser for our newly created Texas Tech chapter of Knights.  Another great reason is to get the tailgating started early for the A&M game since it's a day game which cuts down a bit on that tailgate time.  From what I'm told there will be some live music.  At "the door" you can purchase tickets to place in the voting box for the best chili at each team's station that has entered into the contest.  There will also be food and drink provided and "donations" will be accepted at all drink and food stations.  Come one, come all!

20/20 Hindsight

Kansas 30 – Kansas State 24

Oklahoma 28 – Texas 21
Even with both teams coming into the Red River Classic with tarnished records, the game still lived up to its billing.  Many predicted the Sooners would win in a blowout, but despite some sloppy play, the end result was still exciting.  Sam Bradford bounced back from a subpar showing to throw for 3 touchdowns and 244 yards in leading the Sooners to victory.  McCoy threw for more yards, but struggled at times behind an offensive line that is, shall we say, offensive.  "Cart McCoy" gets a bad rap for getting injured in losses, but behind this bunch, he may end up in a wheelchair.  And they didn't do much in the running game either, as Texas ballcarriers go for 61 yards on 29 carries.  Let's hope nobody ever goes to Jamaal Charles for a physical, because he couldn't find a hole to save his life, and has serious trouble holding on to the ball.

Colorado 43 – Baylor 23
The Buffalaces took their aspirin, drank their Bloody Marys, took a cold shower, and slept until noon, ultimately avoiding the hangover from their upset win over Oklahoma.  Meanwhile, Baylor rolled over and saw the Texas Longhorns laying next to them in the Big XII South cellar, and desperately tried to cuddle while Bevo unconvincingly slank (my own past tense of "slink") away to an "early meeting" with the Cyclones.

Texas Tech 42 – Iowa State 17
The Red Raiders brandished their new defense and waved it around like a swashbuckler, while still piling up yards on the offensive end of the field.  True freshman Michael Crabtree pulled in 3 more TD catches to set an NCAA record for a freshman receiver and the season isn't half over.  Meanwhile in the locker room this week, several times he had to use his playbook to cover the embarrassing bulge in his under armor as he watched game film of the A&M secondary.  Iowa State blows, and it isn't getting any better for them as they face off against a Texas team looking for their first conference win.

Texas A&M 24 – Oklahoma State 23
And in by far the strangest game of the week, Texas A&M rallies back from 17 down to Oklahoma State for their largest comeback in school history to beat the Cowboys 24-23.  A&M was completely inept in the first half, with an effort that looked to have punched Coach Dennis Franchione's ticket to the failed coach junk heap.  But behind Jorvorskie Lane, who rushed for two touchdowns, caught a touchdown pass, and even threw a 49 yard pass that got the Aggies down to the one, they rallied back in a game that looks to divide the Aggie Faithful even further.  Half will see this as proof that Coach Franchione knows how to make adjustments and win football games, while the other half will point to the struggling against OSU as a sign he is done, and the other half will just suck at math.  I suspect that both sides will have a reason to hold hands and sing Kumbaya as the Aggies drag their break but don't bend defense into Jones Stadium to face the Red Raiders, where they haven't won since 1993.

Missouri 41 – Nebraska 6
Nebraska continues its downward spiral, while Missouri continues to establish itself as the favorite in the North, as the Tigers dominate "Air Husker" on both sides of the ball.  Phenom Chase Daniel has a career night as he throws for 401 yards against the once legendary "Blackshirt" defense.  Rumor has it that coach Bill Callahan has removed all of the "R's" from the practice uniforms as a motivational ploy.

I Guarantee It!

There are some times when you should make guarantees.  When you get married (except they call them "vows"), when you fix someone's brakes and trust your workmanship, or when you are that George Zimmer guy from Men's Wearhouse and you don't fear me tracking you down and punching you in your smug little bearded face.  But you should never guarantee the outcome of a sporting event, unless Biff Tannen rode back in a Delorean and gave you a Sports Almanac.  I just don't get it.

"I Guarantee It!"

This week, Texas A&M's Jorvorskie Lane "guaranteed" a victory in Lubbock over Texas Tech.  Yes, he guaranteed a victory against a team we have lost 9 of the last 12 against, and in a place where we haven't won since he was a 240 pound sixth-grader.  We all saw what happened when Isaac Bruce guaranteed a win over the Cowboys two weeks ago.  Or when Dikembe Mutombo guaranteed a victory over the Spurs in the NBA finals.

Sure it worked out okay for a quarterback that wears pantyhose and hit on my wife (actually happened, although not at the same time), but what does anyone hope to gain from something like this?  If you actually do win, you look like a pompous ass.  If you lose, you look like a dumb one.  All it does is lather up the opposing fans while making yours roll their eyes.  Now, much like Mike Gundy, Jorvorskie Lane is a man.  Unlike Gundy, Lane is a very big one, and I am not going to tell him to his face what he can or can't say.  That is why I am an internet slob and not a reporter. 

However, I plead with all of you athletes out there.  Please stop guaranteeing wins.  Please stop claiming that God helped you win the game.  And please stop wearing see-through white pants.

Vick ‘Em

I'm going to touch on this briefly because it created such a controversy.  For those that live in a cave, a Texas Tech fraternity created a shirt showing a football player carrying a collie in a noose with the words Vick ‘Em on the front.  This has raised the ire of animal rights activists as well as Aggie rights activists.  The university has dealt with this, but the outrage continues.  Not that you asked for my opinion, but here it is.

I can see the point about the animal rights activists being upset about the association with Michael Vick and what he engaged in.  Fine.  But Aggies need to just step back and let this play out without their involvement.  Shirts like this have been around as long as college rivalries have.  Even back in the 1890's, colleges were making shirts that said "Mine Opponent Showereth With His Kin".  A&M has numerous shirts and stickers that involve defacing UT's mascot, so let's not begin the righteous indignation because someone is defacing ours.  I beg my fellow Aggies to just stay out of this one.

As for those of you at Tech, you are now stuck with a bunch of shirts that you can't use.  I humbly offer this suggestion.  With a bit of Photoshop magic (which in my hands is more like the creepy old guy at your birthday party that sticks birds in his pants), you can merely show that you are offering to help your opponent's mascot by aiding in curing her cold.  (I know most of you saw the graphic down here already and ruined my bit by looking at it early, but that is fine.)

Vicks Em

Looking Ahead

All of the games this week are on some kind of TV, so let's run through them.

Oklahoma State at Nebraska 11:30 AM on FSN-PPV
Why to watch:  You don't mind shelling out bucks to watch the second best team in Oklahoma square off with the second best team in Nebraska.
Why not to watch:  Yes, I realize there is only one team in Nebraska.

Baylor at Kansas  11:30 AM on FCS-Central
Why to watch:  The matchup of my two favorite coaches to crack default jokes about.
Why not to watch:  What is FCS-Central?

Texas at Iowa State  11:30 AM on FSN
Why to watch:  To see if Texas can pick up their first conference win.  Oh, and to see the absolute meltdown in Austin if they don't.  You thought The China Syndrome was bad, you haven't seen the economic devastation caused by half a million burnt orange t-shirts suddenly going on clearance.
Why not to watch:  You are tailgating for…

Texas A&M at Texas Tech  2:30 PM on ABC
Why to watch:  A heated rivalry that nobody calls a rivalry.  That makes it uber-rivalrific.  Plus, there is a better than zero chance that something even more newsworthy than the actual game will happen.
Why not to watch:  Your name is Kim Franchione and you just bought new window treatments.

Missouri at Oklahoma  5:30 PM on FSN
Why to watch:  A matchup of potential Big XII Championship teams.
Why not to watch:  Ever since that cellulose abortion known as "The Phantom Menace", you have vowed to never watch another prequel.

Colorado at Kansas State  8:15 PM on ESPN2
Why to watch:  ESPN2 is in HD.
Why not to watch:  You abhor that "If this team beat that team, but that team beat the other team, and that team beat this team" Kevin Bacon bullcrap.


Well, that's all I've got, folks.  If you want to send me an email, you can send it to  Be sure to put WEAKLY RETORT in the subject line so I can find it if it gets stuck in the SPAM filter.  I really appreciate your feedback and if you ask a question (about anything at this point) I will answer it in next week's column.

Random Shout Out:
  This week's random shout outs go to EPTechsan and Papidad for giving me info on the sports predictions.

Hope to see all of you at the game.  I will be wearing my 12th Man Jersey like in the Leave Coach Fran Alone bit, only without the eye black.  I'm about 6'6" 250 pounds, so if you see me hanging around, come up and say hi.  I may even be filming bits for my next youtube abomination during some of the tailgates.  Who knows.

If you want to comment and share opinions with the community, you can click here to go to the forum.


Inside the Red Raiders Top Stories