The Weakly Retort

PsychoAg joins us again for another edition of the Weakly Retort. A fan favorite since 2005, the Retort takes a light-hearted look at the college football landscape, with a specific emphasis on the Big 12.


Introduction

Another week, another step closer to a new Aggie football coach.  My top choices for an upgrade:
 

  1. Tommy Tuberville – most common name bandied about.
  2. Steve Spurrier – I hate the dewsh, but he would win.
  3. Steve Carell – He wouldn't win, but I like him.
  4. RC Slocum – I think we are still paying him anyway and at least I am used to saying "DAMMIT RC!".
  5. Roasted Pepper Hummus – Goes great with pita chips.
     

I've taken some criticism for some of my grammar.  Most notably from my former former boss, who is some kind of freaking grammar nazi.  He says I structure good word usements, but I have a tendency to throw in an insane amount of incomplete sentences.  Like this.  Or this.  He is just going to have to do deal with it.  I write very stream of consciousness, and although I feel I spell very well and do a good job at everything but the incomplete sentences, I rarely proofread and apparently, I buy my commas at Costco. I like to sprinkle some extra ones in, just for fun.  I really don't know where I am going with this (stream of consciousness again), so put the lotion in the basket, and let's look back at the Big XII.


20/20 Hindsight

Mangino
Mangino takes a page out of the Chase Daniel book
Kansas 19 – Texas A&M 11
Boy this matchup didn't live up to the hype.  This game went into halftime with the score tied 0 – 0.  And not one of those, "smashmouth football, defensive battle, epic struggle" kind of 0 – 0 scores, but rather one of those "blocked field goals, can't block anybody, offensive ineptitude" kind of 0 – 0 scores.   But Kansas has built a solid ranking by feasting on cupcakes, much as Coach Mangino has built a solid cholesterol number by feeding on wheelbarrowcakes (something I made up, but imagine a cupcake, only big enough to be made in a wheelbarrow, that is the only conceivable way I can figure a man becoming that large), and A&M's 111th ranked passing offense was certainly no figurative Lipitor.  Kansas came out in the second half to score 19 unanswered points before the Aggies threw up 11 of their own to try and make it interesting.  I'm sure Coach Fran threw up some of his Little Debbies after watching the lethargic effort put forth by his team.

Missouri 42 – Iowa State 28
Believe it or not, the Missouri Tigers had some trouble separating themselves from the Cyclones.  That's okay, so did Auntie Em.  Mark, can I go back and delete that or do I have to leave it in?  That could be quite possibly the worst one-liner I have ever used in The Weakly Retort.  I must now go and flog myself like that crazy Albino dude in The Da Vinci Code.  Is it Albino-American or is it Anti-Pigmentite?  I was calling him crazy because of what he did in the movie, not because he looked like a bleached Edgar Winter. I don't want all you Albinoids out there to gang up and send me blank emails.  Oh, and Chase Daniel has an okay day, racking up 250 yards and a touchdown, showing that he is still the elite quarterback in the Big XII.  Even if he eats boogers.

Colorado 31 – Texas Tech 26
Meanwhile, Graham Harrell throws four interceptions for the second week in a row as Tech loses at home to Colorado.  The Red Raiders actually had a chance to win this game, but a carbon monoxide leak on the Tech sideline left them out of time as they seemed to lack ANY urgency in the waning minutes.  Of course, Mike Leach spending timeouts like they were candy...  Wait, no, what is going on here?  I meant: Mike Leach throwing around timeouts like a daycare teacher with PMS didn't seem to help things.  If Tech would have had just ONE timeout left to stop the clock on Colorado's last possession, they would have gotten the ball back with about 40 seconds left.  And with Tech's offense, they could have scored three times.

Texas 28 – Nebraska 25
This was definitely the craziest game of the weekend.  The Longhorns pulled their usual "let's see how bad we can suck and still win" routine, and actually trailed the abysmal Nebraska Cornhuskers 17 – 3 in this game.  Texas looked committed to trying to run a balanced offense, even though it was getting them nowhere.  Finally, they went to the blueprint that Texas A&M and Oklahoma State laid out in previous weeks and pounded the ball right up the cornhole.  And man did they ever.  Jamaal Charles took a break from fumbling to rack up more yards than he has words in his vocabulary, finishing with 290, including 216 of them and 3 TDs in the final quarter.  I still do not understand how the Longhorns went UP in the rankings after this game, or why they are even ranked in the Top 20 at all after the way they have limped through the season.  That just goes to show that nobody watches the games anymore because they are in such a rush to get their votes in.  Why not just release the polls on Wednesday and give people time to do research so we can avoid jokes like this?

Kansas State 51 – Baylor 13
Poor Baylor.  Poor Guy Morriss.  Poor Richard's Almanac.  Poor those who scrolled down to read what they thought would be an actual description of what had to be one of the most boring games in the history of ever.  I'm talking more boring than "The Quiet Game" (which I never, ever won).  Actually, it was 16 – 6 at the half, so maybe it wasn't quite that boring.  Maybe more like "Red Rover" or "Freeze Tag" or some other gay recess crap.  At this point, I am wondering who will wind up with a better Sunbelt gig, Guy Morriss or Dennis Franchione.


College Football Rules

Title IX Protest
Title IX protest
The NCAA committee finally did something right.  No, we still don't have a playoff, but at least we got rid of the ridiculous clock rules that plagued last season.  Those could quite possibly go down in history as the dumbest sports rules ever implemented.  Even dumber than Title IX.  (That's right, bring it ladies.)

However, moving back the kickoff was a good rule.  Not every drive needs to start on the 20, and who doesn't love kick return highlights?  Still, there are a few other rules that I would like to see added in the future.

First, go to the NFL play clock.  After a running play, immediately start the 40 second clock.  Don't do what college does now, which is wait for the officials to spot the ball and then start a 25 second clock.  While officials are told to take 15 seconds to spot the ball and blow it ready, and 25+15 = 40, this is still inconsistently applied.  Using the 40 second clock takes the guesswork out of it.

Second, make intentional grounding an actual penalty.  But it is a penalty, you say?  What is penal about it?  It is spot of the foul, with a loss of down.  Hey, guess what the result of a sack would be?  Spot of the sack, plus a loss of down.  The exact same outcome.  There is no disincentive for throwing the ball away, and you eliminate some of the most exciting plays in football.  Back the team up 5 or 10 MORE yards from the spot of the foul to make it an actual penalty.  That will make that QB think twice before chunking the ball away, and will give those hard working D-linemen a little more stat-love.

Finally, and most controversial, I think you should allow teams to have as many timeouts as they want.  The only catch is, after 3, you get a 10-yard penalty every time you call one.  Imagine how this would change the game.  Coaches would have to manage the clock and field position in the 2-minute drill a totally different way and I think it would lead to more exciting finishes.  It would allow teams to use the whole field with a few seconds left and no timeouts remaining,  instead of just throwing for the sidelines, knowing they could stop the clock if they are willing to back up 10 yards. 

Of course this wouldn't help the defensive team nearly as much if they were down, because a timeout would essentially hand the other team a first down and they could just march down the field that way.  But what if they adopted the arena league rule that if you don't gain positive yardage in the last minute (two minutes in this case) then the clock stops.  No more kneeling it out, and say hello to more Baylor fumble-while-running-the-clock-out losses.

What are your rule changes?  Send me an email at psychoag98@yahoo.com and let me know.  Together we can rule football rules.


Looking Ahead

Nebraska at Kansas  11:30 AM  FSN
Why to watch:  You finally want to see someone run the score up on Nebraska.  Payback is a beeyotch, isn't it?
Why not to watch:  If you rearrange the letters in "Nebraska" you get "Kansa Reb" which is nonsense.
Who will win:  Kansas.  Big.  Like 56 – 6.

Kansas State at Iowa State  11:30 AM  Versus
Why to watch:  To see if Iowa State can actually win a Big XII game.
Why not to watch:  They won't.  Not this week.
Who will win:  Iowa State.  37 – 28.

I was just seeing if you were paying attention.  K-State will smoke them.

Texas at Oklahoma State  2:30 PM  ABC
Why to watch:  This is actually a pretty intriguing matchup.  Oklahoma State could be the team to finally set the trap that the Longhorns don't wriggle out of.
Why not to watch:  You loathe orange.  Be it burnt or traffic cone.
Who will win:  Oklahoma State.  48 – 27.

Missouri at Colorado  5:30 PM  FSN
Why to watch:  The battle of Big XII North Teams that beat Tech is sure to not disappoint.
Why not to watch:  You went to Tech.
Who will win:  Missouri.  31 - 24

Texas A&M at Oklahoma  7:00 PM  ABC
Why to watch:  For some reason, this is a nationally televised game.
Why not to watch:  You saw what happened against Miami.  The coach's pregnant wife got more air time than the game itself.
Who will win:  Oklahoma 62 – 17

Not on TV:
Texas Tech at Baylor  2:00
Why not to watch:  Dude.  It's NOT on TV.
Who will win:  Tech.  56 - 45


Conclusion 

If you want to send me an email, you can send it to psychoag98@yahoo.com  Be sure to put WEAKLY RETORT in the subject line so I can find it if it gets stuck in the SPAM filter.  I really appreciate your feedback and if you ask a question (about anything at this point) I will answer it in next week's column.

I also write for The Sports Page Weekly, which is a free newspaper based in Dallas.  If you happen to be at a sports bar or restaurant in the Dallas area, pick up a copy.  You will notice some overlap between it and The Weakly Retort, but it is a little more serious.  If you like it, send an email to the editor and say, "Hey!  That Psychoag is a genius."  Or, "Hey!  That Psychoag is borderline retarded, and on the underside of the border!"  Or even, "Hey!  Muffins help me make poopy!"  Just make sure to start it with "Hey!" because that seems to give it legitimacy.  They also have a website with a PDF copy at http://sportspagedallas.com .

Random Shout Out:  Everyone who has sent me an email.  Whether you are calling me a genius or an idiot, I truly appreciate the feedback.  I have gotten behind in answering, so if you have sent me an email and haven't gotten a response, my goal is to get to it this week.  I may even pick out some of the best/funniest ones and include them in next week's column.  Unless you are an albino.

If you want to comment and share opinions with the community, you can click here to go to the RaiderPower.com forum.

Love,
Psychoag


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