The Weakly Retort

PsychoAg joins us again for another edition of the Weakly Retort. A fan favorite since 2005, the Retort takes a light-hearted look at the college football landscape, with a specific emphasis on the Big 12.


Well, the little one turned 3 today (Thursday) and we celebrated by taking her to see her first movie in a theater.  We saw "Bee Movie" and it was good but not great.  Yes, I realize it was for kids, but there wasn't enough humor for the ticket buyers, and Jerry Seinfeld's portrayal of a bee kind of wore me out.  Now is the less exciting time.  We told her that once she turned 3 she had to give up her pacifier (she only used it to sleep at night anyway).  I swear it is like watching a heroin addict try and shake the junk.  We may have to shave her head and put her in a padded room.  She knew this day was coming, but didn't quite understand the pain until it got here.  I know how she feels, not unlike the way I felt when I saw the road game in Norman on our schedule.

20/20 Hindsight

Iowa State 31 – Kansas State 20
What has happened to Kansas State?  After they beat Texas everybody was hailing Ron Prince as a genius, and the Wildcats as a Big XII contender.  But since upsetting the Longhorns, they've gone 2 – 3, including dropping this one to Big XII doormat, nay, floormat Iowa State.  Yes, I predicted that Kansas State would smoke Iowa State, but show me one person that didn't.  The Cyclones are now 4 wins away from becoming bowl eligible, which really sucks when you have 2 games left.  Kansas State is one win away from going bowling and with Nebraska and Fresno State still on the schedule, they should be able to do it.

Kansas 76 – Nebraska 39
And in Big XII basketball, the Jayhawks outshoot the Cornhuskers 76 – 39.  Wait a second, that was a football score?  I predicted a blowout, but I didn't expect to see KU scoring their coach's waist size.  It looks like the "let's pay Nebraska back for all of those years of running up the score on everyone else" tour is still selling tickets.  KU quarterback Todd Reesing throws for 6 TD, setting a school record.  Meanwhile, Nebraska QB Joe Glanz throws 4 TD, but his 4 picks more than offset them.

Texas 38 – Oklahoma State 35
Good grief, who is scripting these games?  If this were a sports movie, you would walk out of the theater and tell everyone you hated the movie because it was so ridiculously unbelievable.  Once again, Texas comes from behind (giggidy) to win against a team they should have beaten anyway, this time heading into the 4th quarter trailing 35 – 14, only to score 24 unanswered points in the final frame to come out on top.  Of course, if this season were a horror movie, then the Longhorns would be one of those monsters that never dies, no matter what you do (unless you are wearing an Oklahoma jersey) and the rest of the Big XII would be the dumb sorority girls that never finish them off when they have a chance.

Texas Tech 38 – Baylor 7
We head to Waco, where the Red Raiders yawned, cracked their knuckles, and made quick work of the Baylor Bears, 38 – 7.  Graham Harrell threw for 433 yards on a ridiculous 37 of 46 night as he passed the 4000 yard mark for the second straight season.  Texas Tech has had a disappointing season, dropping some games that they should have won, but nothing is as disappointing as the stinker that Baylor put up.  After starting off 3-1, they have now lost 6 straight, and probably won't win another game this season.  The most disappointing part is that the Baylor fans are numb to it.

Missouri 55 – Colorado 10
How exciting.  Chase Daniels throws 5 TD passes.  Missouri presses onward toward the regular season ending showdown with Kansas.

Oklahoma 42 – Texas A&M 14
We're off to Norman as Aggie Coach Dennis Franchione has most likely won his last game in Aggieland.  Oh, it wasn't this one; I'm referring to the win two weeks ago in Nebraska.  But this one may have been the game that put the nail is his buyout coffin, ending the White Witch's reign and bringing Christmas again to Narnia.  The Sooners built a steady lead, and the Aggies scored a couple of garbage touchdowns in the fourth quarter to keep the score respectable at 42 - 14.  Respectable, right, in the sense that a hooker with a "Hands Across America" t-shirt is respectable.

Random Rankings

I'm debuting a new section in The Weakly Retort this week.  Yes, I know it is stupid to debut something new with just a few weeks left in the season, but I'm doing it anyway and will probably carry it over to next year if I like it.  This week, I rank the seat temperature of the Big XII Coaches, from coldest to hottest.

12.   Mark Mangino – Big Mark is a hero in Lawrence.  Not the kind of hero that would (or could) climb a tree to rescue a cat, or even the kind that can steal your abilities by eating your brain.  Rather he is the rare type of hero that can make Kansas a football school, at least for a few months.

11.   Bob Stoops – Oklahoma stumbled against Colorado, but they are still in the national championship hunt.  Win out and they should be in the big game.  No heat here for the visored one.

10.  Gary Pinkel – With arguably the conference's best quarterback, and a top 10 ranking and a chance to win the Big XII, Pinkel is sitting pretty.  Not pretty like

9.  Mack Brown – Mack Brown has shown that without Vince Young, he is back to being "Coach close but not quite".  Fortunately, his team has been able to keep coming back late in games, or the orange bloods may start suffering MNC amnesia.

8.  Ron Prince – Hailed as a genius early in the year, he is starting to look less like Albert Einstein and more like Yahoo Serious.  Still, he has people believing in the program, at least for a while.

7.  Dan Hawkins – I just kind of ranked the other coaches and number 7 was left.  So he goes here.

6.  Mike Gundy – The 40-year-old MAN did better than expected, but gaining more attention for berating reporters than winning games isn't the kind of thing that helps you stick around.

5.  Mike Leach – Many in Lubbock are growing tired of his all-offense all the time routine and the natives are getting restless.  How many more years of good, but not good enough seasons are they going to be patient enough to endure?

4.  Gene Chizik – His first year on the job buys him some time, but finishing the season with 2 wins isn't going to get him a contract extension.

3.  Dennis Franchione – A&M officials can say what they want, but if Franchione isn't fired already, then it's just a matter of time.  Look for him to be gone at the end of this season, leading A&M fans everywhere to proclaim the next hire as the savior of the program.  Wash, rinse, repeat.

2.  Bill Callahan – Just playing out the season.

1.  Guy Morriss – Hard to be on a hotter seat than when you have already been fired.


Looking Ahead

Texas A&M at Missouri  11:30 AM on FSN
Why to Watch:  You feel a sort of nostalgia for the option, albeit a slow moving, quarterback keeps it every time version of the option.
Why not to Watch:  You get feelings of inadequacy from watching a GOOD quarterback.  Even one that eats boogers.
Who will win:  Missouri 56 - 14

Colorado at Iowa State  11:30 AM on FCS-Central
Why to Watch:  To see if Iowa State can do one of those winning-streak things.
Why not to Watch:  A meaningless game between two scrubs from the Big XII North.
Who will win:  Iowa State 21 - 17

Kansas State at Nebraska  11:30 AM on Versus
Why to Watch:  If your remote is broken and you sit there long enough, you can catch women's tennis and bull riding.
Why not to Watch:  Over on Spike, they have bull tennis and women riding.
Who will Win:  Kansas State 38 - 20

Texas Tech at Texas  2:30 PM  on ABC
Why to Watch:  My choice for game of the week.  Can Tech finally build a lead that Texas can't come back from?
Why not to Watch:  Some fat dude with a photo album full of trannies stole all your ribs and you have to drive out to pick up some lunch
Who will Win:  Texas 42 – 35 (only because the game is in Austin).

Baylor at Oklahoma  5:30 PM on FSN
Why to Watch:  Not Applicable
Why not to Watch:  Potentially the most boring game ever played in the Big XII.
Who will win:  Oklahoma 85 – 3.

Kansas at Oklahoma State  7:00 PM on ABC
Why to Watch:  Game of the week runner up.  Can Oklahoma State be the team to finally put a loss on Kansas?
Why not to Watch:  You sat through Baylor/Oklahoma and slipped into a coma.
Who will Win:  Oklahoma State 17 – 12.


Sorry if things seem to be losing steam here at the end.  The truth is, Aggie Football has kind of sucked the life out of me this season.  It's sad when I spend less time thinking about the upcoming games and more time wondering about who the next coach will be.  Still, I'm honestly trying.  Thank God for the Cowboys.

If you want to send me an email, you can send it to  Be sure to put WEAKLY RETORT in the subject line so I can find it if it gets stuck in the SPAM filter.  I really appreciate your feedback and if you ask a question (about anything at this point) I will answer it in next week's column.

Random Shout Out:
  No towels.  Need sleepy.

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