The Weakly Retort

PsychoAg joins us again for another edition of the Weakly Retort. A fan favorite since 2005, the Retort takes a light-hearted look at the college football landscape, with a specific emphasis on the Big 12.


[Begin unnecessary introduction]Things are slowly winding toward the end, and interest is beginning to wane, especially for those whose team is mired in mediocrity and just running out the clock on the season.  Unfortunately, that represents about 95% of the readership, [including the author].  Normally at this point, television networks would turn to guest casting, bringing on some celebrity like Bruce Willis or Brooks Shields and shoehorning them into the plot in some horribly unnecessary role.  Or perhaps they set up some kind of cliffhanger to build suspense, perhaps a character in a car accident or revealing the face of an unknown assailant.  Since this is just a [juvenile] sports column and I don't know any celebrities except Carrot Top [I don't really even know Carrot Top], and it wouldn't make any sense to put a cliffhanger in a column like this [ooh, who is going to win the Kansas – Iowa State game?  Stay tuned!]  So my solution is to give you an insight into the thought process of the author by interjecting my thoughts in cursive in little brackets [it's called italics, retard].  So, let's see if this adds anything to the presentation [it won't, and I'll get sick of doing it by about halfway down].  Now that you're all officially indicted, allow me to retort.

20/20 Hindsight

Iowa State 31 – Colorado 28
Out on the windy plains, the Iowa State Cyclones took care of the Colorado Buffaloes 31 – 28, extending to a thrilling two game winning streak and making first year head coach Gene Chizik look like a genius [the way this season has gone for the Cyclones, even Coach Fran looks like a genius].  Okay, maybe genius is pushing it.  Much like calling this two game sequential victory event a "winning streak".  Meanwhile, Buffs coach Dan Hawkins was left with a big question mark over his head instead of a light bulb as he watched his team making an apparent winning kick, then get penalized for delay of game, then make another kick only to be told that time had run out.  And all of this after Colorado held a 21 – 0 halftime lead.  Maybe Chizik can explain it.

Missouri 40 – Texas A&M 26 [good grief, I am tired of this crap]
Missouri survived a small scare from the Aggies who were within five points heading into the fourth quarter.  Unfortunately for Texas A&M, it was one of those "I'm pregnant?  Oops, never mind, that's a minus sign" kind of scares [reading Sanskrit is easier than figuring those things out] and not the "I just hit reply-all when I made the smart-ass comment on that company-wide email, didn't I?" kind of scares [believe it or not, this has never happened to me], as the Tigers pulled away in the final frame to win 40 – 26 in Columbia.  The Aggies' Stephen McGee proved that Franchione hasn't completely coached the passing ability out of him, even though if A&M were a fabric, it would say "quarterback retardant" on the label.

Nebraska 73 – Kansas State 31
Nebraska shows the conference that they, too, can score points as they bounce back from their own 70 point debacle to hang 73 on reeling Kansas State 73 – 31.  This seems to be an interesting trend, as the last time a team had 70+ hung on them [A&M took 77 in the pooper from Oklahoma], they turned around and flang [not a word]  70+ of their own up on the board the next week [A&M beat Baylor 73 -10]  [oh, and this whole stat is completely unresearched, by the way.]  Joe Ganz piled up seven touchdowns and 510 yards to lead the way for "Air Husker".  Congratulations, boys, if you can just beat Colorado you may end up in the Ramen Noodle Bowl.

Oklahoma 52 – Baylor 21
There is absolutely nothing interesting to say here, so the entire thing is going to be in italics, which, by the way, are a pain in the butt to read during long passages of text.  Don't believe me?  Just keep reading.  Actually, I just thought of a good one…  No, I didn't, everyone is tied of visor jokes and shower jokes.  Wait, here's one.]  The Oklahoma Sooners dance all over the freshly dug grave of recently fired coach Guy Morriss, and they would have been joined by a sea of green if only dancing weren't illegal in Baptist. [that doesn't' make sense].

Kansas 43 – Oklahoma State 28
Kansas, the last remaining undefeated team in the continental United States is still having trouble wooing the poll voters, primarily because of their laughable strength of schedule.  Having faced only two teams with a winning record all year (and those being Central Michigan and Texas A&M) the Jayhawks' opponents have a combined record of 42 – 61 (40.8%).  After they beat Iowa State next week, that number will move to 45 – 70 (39.1%).  [that stat actually was researched]  Still, if they knock off Missouri, and upset Oklahoma in the Big XII Championship, there will be no way to keep them out of the title game.  [that was too sportsy.  people will realize you just cut n' pasted it from your other column.  throw in a fart joke, or a fat joke, or both] [pansy]

Texas 59 – Texas Tech 43
This was definitely the craziest game of the week.  Down in Austin, home of the Texas Longhorns, and head referee Randy Christal, the Red Raiders lost in a shootout.  In a post game tirade where the Texas Tech coach pulled out everything but an actual pirate sword, Captain Leach berated the officials at length for costing his team the game, ultimately drawing a $10,000 fine from conference commissioner Dan Beebe.  Much like Kansas Coach Mark Mangino, Leach wasn't done after the first round, and came back for seconds.  Only, unlike Mangino, this didn't just lead to him blowing smoke out his ass.  [there it is, I'm so proud of you.]  While anyone who has ever played the Longhorns and seen the way that the key calls tend to fall no doubt agrees with Leach, especially after some highly questionable calls in the Tech – Texas game last year, perhaps he should have saved some of that venom for his defense, which still gave up 59 points.

Mail Sac

[pretty sure someone has used that before, but I'm rolling with it]
[you are only doing this to keep from writing so much]

Hey Weakley,

Did you catch this year's version of cheat'em horns? Please jump on Leach's band wagon and the rest of the Big 12. The Big 12 needs to get this right before they have something happen like the NBA. The NBA was lucky; we all know there was more fixing going on than meets the eye. Do we smell a "NBA" or "Watergate" in the "Big 12" brewing?

I have even been to an Oklahoma vs. Tech game that was decided by 1 play; equaling one touch down. Tech lost. I saw it happen at that game. The big guy at Kansas knows what I'm taking about. Will Kansas have the Big 12 championship stolen from them? Did Tech just get the Cotton Bowl stolen from them in Austin?

Will Tech now beat Oklahoma to send the horns into a big BSC bowl?

Last year I brought to your attention on the "calls" Texas received versus their opponents. That did not even speak to the "non-calls".

It is time for your mighty quill to once again bring revealing light on this nasty big twelve officiating.

First of all, dude, quit checking out my quill.  Second, I really don't know what can be done about the officiating.  Mark Cuban seems to have made some progress by whining, but it always ends up making you look bad in the process.  That is why you hire people to whine for you, so you can stay out of the fray.  In the non-sports world, they call them "lobbyists".


I plead with you to stop writing the "Weakly Retort."  I after reading it I go into uncontrolled laughter and I can't stop. My wife (a UT grad) and I will be going to a church auction tonight and I know I'll be laughing all the way through it because of the "Weakly Retort." This is not only inappropriate behavior but the auctioneer may confuse my laughter as a strange sort of bidding sign and I'll end up buying some little trinkets that some old lady owned, for way more money than they're worth, and my wife will be pissed at me for a week or more.

All I can say is it'll be your fault and on your conscience.

(potentially comatose from watching the OU/Baylor game)

First of all, you didn't tell me where YOU went to school, which seriously affects my strategy.  If you went to A&M, just imagine Franchione getting a 10-year contract extension.  If you went to Texas, imagine that somebody saw Brent Musberger wearing an OU t-shirt.  If you went to Tech, imagine that Mike Leach left for UCLA and Gerald Myers decides to roll RC Slocum into town.  Of course, since you won't be reading this until AFTER the auction, enjoy your porcelain [I had to spell-check that three times to get it right]  Virgin Mary gravy boat.

PsychoAg, here is my suggestion for NCAA rule changes.

I always wondered why in the "red zone" an offensive foul backs a team up the full 5, 10 or 15 yards, but a defensive foul moves the offense half the distance to the goal.  I think they should back the offense up twice the distance from the goal in the event of an offensive foul inside of the 10 yard line.

I love the Weekly Retort.  You are one of the few Aggies I find funny (Ha-Ha), and not the other kind of funny.

(TTU, 1988)

I hadn't considered that, but you are right, it doesn't seem fair.  I think they should also make offensive pass interference be the same distance as "spot of the foul", but behind the line of scrimmage.  You think Michael Irvin would be on board with this?

instead of the crazy time out approach you suggested,PA, why not just play until one team reaches 50 or 75 or even 100--you choose.  one other equally goofy approach would be to simply play until the one team gives up.  seriously, thanks for the laughs through the season.

Good idea.  Except that under that system, this week's Notre Dame – Duke game could last longer than one of those stupid cricket matches.

Looking Ahead

Missouri at Kansas State  11:30 AM on FSN
Why to Watch:  Blowouts make your pants crazy.
Why not to Watch:  This is going to be more boring than watching old people doing Pilates.
Who will win:  Missouri 55 – 26  [dude, you never even get close on these, give it up]

Iowa State at Kansas  2:30 PM on ABC
Why to Watch:  Blowout II:  Electric Boogaloo
Why not to Watch:  This will be more boring than a Franchione press conference.
Who will win:  Kansas  52 - 20

Oklahoma State at Baylor  6:00 PM on FSN
Why to Watch:  Blowout III:  Menage-a-blowout
Why not to Watch:  Every reason in the world.
Who will Win:  Oklahoma State  41 - 28

Oklahoma at Texas Tech  7:00 PM on ABC
Why to Watch:  This is the only game in the Big XII this week worth watching.  Normally, this would be blowout , but in Lubbock, this has the potential of being a good one.
Why not to Watch: 
Who will Win:  I still think the Sooners win, but its close.  35 – 31.


Well, we're almost done.  I'm not sure how next week will work yet, with the Thanksgiving holiday, but I will try and at least have an abbreviated Retort.  For those of you that are gearing up for basketball season, check out this week's Sports Page Weekly as they had me write an article about life at A&M after the departure of Billy Gillispie.  I put a lot of my heart into this one and they are using it as the cover story (or so they said).  Pick up a copy at your favorite DFW sports bar, or check the link above and look for a PDF copy online when they release it (no idea when they post the online version).

If you want to send me an email, you can send it to  Be sure to put WEAKLY RETORT in the subject line so I can find it if it gets stuck in the SPAM filter.  I really appreciate your feedback and if you ask a question (about anything at this point) I will answer it in next week's column.

Random Shout Out:  All of the emailers who supplied the questions I used.  Mrzuitsuit, who is trying to decide if he should move to the greatness of Fort Worth (he should).

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