Weakly Retort

College football is finally here, which can only mean one thing here on RaiderPower: the Weakly Retort is back. PsychoAg will once again be entertaining the masses with his witty banter and hilarious videos. We're now in the Retort's 4th season, which is gearing up to be one of the best.

Thank goodness it is time for some college football. We've finally waited through all of the meaningless garbage like signing day, spring games, 2 a days, etc. and are down to the real thing. You see, some people see all of those things as foreplay and enjoy them as a sort-of build up to the beautiful season and majesty that is the secret garden of college football. I, however, see them as foreplay, which is why I ignore them and find them wholly unnecessary.

In fact, I would posit that spring games are more like, well, playing with yourself, both literally and figuratively. Sure, you can learn a lot about what you've got available, but it is tough to get really thrilled about and you are just praying that no one gets hurt. I don't know what that means. I guess I just don't bother with the spring games because you don't really know how to cheer. If you score a touchdown, is it because your offense rocks or your defense sucks? It just gives me tired head so I avoid it all together.

Just wake me up when the season gets here. And it is here now. Which is why I am awake. Actually, more of a pseudoawake state, where dreams and reality gently blend on the fringe of consciousness, and you never really know if that clown in the corner selling brake pads to your high school gym teacher is real or not. Having a 4 month old will do that to you.

But that said, I am ready for college football. After the summer sports wasteland has finally cleared, I am ready for the real deal. The Mavericks have wasted another off-season. The Rangers have executed their trademark summer swoon. And the Olympics, while providing a brief respite, have packed up and headed to London.

This is also why I am terrible at predictions. I don't read the magazines. I don't comb the injury reports. I don't subscribe to a recruiting service. I just kind of make stuff up as I go. Like my friend John when he was working as a volunteer tour guide at the science museum. Dude, I'm pretty sure that scorpions didn't lose their poison when they swam over from Malaysia. And isn't that a horrible bit of misinformation to supply a curious child? You'd be far better off at least telling him that playing soccer makes you turn into a girl or something like that.

I suppose I should at least mention something meaningful about football. I've determined that this year I will write more in prose and in a sort of stream of consciousness mode rather than forcing clichéd comments about games I don't care about. Oh, I'll still summarize the games with my signature smartalleciness (not a word), but after 3 years of this, I've kind of run out of jokesm not unlike your uncle Cliff with the glass eye, and I don't want to start repeating myself. More like reinvent myself. Not in that horrific "Garth Brooks / Chris Gaines" kind of way, nor in the A&M "we really do have a passing offense this season" kind of way. More like a John Travolta in Pulp Fiction, but stop before Battlefield Earth kind of way.

Fine, how do I see the season shaping up? Here's how I see the Big XII South.:

1. Oklahoma – Everybody picked them really high, so I will too. Even though their quarterback won't quit looking at the bridge of his nose.

2. Texas Tech – I think Tech and Texas will be close, but I think Tech wins the head to head game. Texas is starting all FRESHMEN at the safety positions, and against Tech that is like watching porcupines trying to make balloon animals.

3. Texas – Texas has a good program, but they are losing ground faster than the Lenni Lenape. (Google "Lenni Lenape Manhattan 24 dollars").

4. Texas A&M – A new coach, a new offense, a new era. Same finish. That's right. Semi-gloss.

5. Oklahoma State – I kind of just put everyone else where I thought they would go and OSU landed here.

6. Baylor – It's Baylor. And since I procrastinated so long, I had the added benefit of watching the Baptist Deacons get throttled by the Demon Deacons.

Big XII North

Uh, yeah. Good night.


Bonus Feature

As an added bonus this year, I will try and sprinkle in a few more youtube videos. The first one this year is called "The Press Conference". Please rate it, add comments, and forward it on to your friends. I don't get paid for any of this, so I thrive on the attention-whoring.

Well, this week was kind of a prelude. You know that song that the organist plays before church starts? Starting next week, I will add back in some of the recaps and precaps as well as discussions on the rule changes etc. I just waited to start this one until midnight the night before.

Email feedback is always appreciated. Email me at psychoag98@yahoo.com . Try to put WEAKLY RETORT in the subject line so I can spot it if it gets stuck in the spam filter.


Raider Power Top Stories