Weakly Retort

PsychoAg joins us again for another edition of the Weakly Retort. A fan favorite since 2005, the Retort takes a light-hearted look at the college football landscape, with a specific emphasis on the Big 12.


Introduction

Here we go, round 2.  After staying up the past several nights watching the Republican Convention (I watched the Democrat Convention as well), I have once again succeeded in waiting until the last minute to throw this thing together.  Trust me, it wouldn't have been any better if I would have planned it out and written it earlier.  I feed off of desperation.  It's also my 9th anniversary, and I am sitting here writing a sports column that I don't get paid for.  That, folks, is commitment.  If the column ends abruptly, it is because my wife found the Louisville Slugger.

Many are concerned about how I will react to A&M's upsetting loss to Arkansas State.  I can assure you that after retiring as A&M's designated superfan, I can be completely objective and distance myself from the emotional trauma that this would no doubt have caused in years past.  I am no longer forced to endure the purification ritual that involves swallowing a 12th Man towel soaked in Windex like I would have after prior debacles of this magnitude.  Man, and you thought bubblegum hung around in there for a long time.


20/20 Hindsight

Iowa State 44 – South Dakota State 17
The Cyclones mercilessly pounded the Jackrabbits, and were actually leading 44 – 3 before a pair of late garbage time touchdowns.  When you play a team from South Dakota called the Jackrabbits, you get a one sentence summary.  And the following sentence needed to explain that.  Uh-oh, I've kind of painted myself into a corner on this one.  Moving on.

Wake Forest 41 – Baylor 13
Next up on Fox's "When Debuts Go Bad", it is the much ballyhooed (stupid word) inaugural contest under the tutelage (another stupid word) vaunted coach Art Briles.  I still think his name sounds like a sentence, but I can't seem to fine "to brile" in the dictionary.  Sure, Wake Forest was a ranked opponent, but perhaps the Baptists down in Waco shouldn't have been not dancing on Guy Morriss' grave quite so quickly.

Missouri 52 – Illinois 42
In the battle of quarterbacks whose names are also words, Chase Daniel bested Juice Williams.  I could have said that the Missouri defense squeezed Juice or something like that, but I'm above it.

Nebraska 47 – Western Michigan 24
Quarterback Joe Ganz, whose name is almost a word, throws four touchdown passes and Nebraska beats the fighting somethings of Western Michigan.

Arkansas State 18 – Texas A&M 14
There will be no raving "Leave Coach Sherm Alone" videos after this one.  This thing just flat out stunk.  The first half was rolling right along with A&M leading 14 – 3, and I told my wife "we're a second half team, we'll pull away and win 35 – 6".  That is why I don't make predictions.  A&M was a 19 point favorite, and now they are my one point least favorite.

Kansas 40 – Florida International 10
Has a school with "International" in their name ever won a championship?  Didn't think so.  Next game.

Kansas State 45 – North Texas 6
Another highly touted former High School coach, another mudhole stomping.  Only Todd Dodge has at least had a couple of years to get things right.  Not quite the same as that Southlake football factory is it?  Instead of a school stocked full of preprogrammed football machines, you've got a campus swarming with oboe players that still live with their parents.

Texas 52 – Florida Atlantic 10
Colt McCoy puts on his big boy pants and stays on the field long enough to Vince Young his way to 222 yards in the air and 103 yards on the ground and four touchdowns, earning him a share of Big XII Offensive Player of the Week.  Oh, right, Florida Atlantic.  Let's not give him the Heisman yet.

Texas Tech 49 – Eastern Washington 24
I will give Tech some credit on this one.  They were only stuck playing Eastern Washington because Tulsa backed out of their schedule game and they had to scramble to find an opponent.  Dear God, why couldn't they have found Arkansas State instead?  Graham Harrell threw for like six miles and 38 touchdowns even though they had almost half as many penalty yards as their opponent had total yards.

Oklahoma 57 – Chattanooga 2
Good grief.  Oklahoma felt so ashamed for beating up a team that even Mike Leach wouldn't schedule that they just went ahead and scored on themselves just for the hell of it.

Oklahoma State 39 – Washington State 13
I will include a summary for this game only to placate my former former boss, the sportstard, that does nothing more each week than click on the link to my column and perform a search for "boss".  He has no excuse for being as sports ignorant as he is.  I would expect this from my 3 year old daughter.  However, he is a man.  He's 44.  I think.  (Doug, let me Bert and Ernie this for you.  A football game was played.  Your team won.  No it isn't like golf.  More points is better.)  This is when he will shoot me an email that says "Don't you mean more points ARE better?" and I will tell him to go eat a taint sideways.

Colorado 38 – Colorado State 17
For a brief moment, this game looked like a track meet, only without all of the baton dropping and Jamaicans and stuff. Back to back kick returns provided a modicum of excitement for this rivalry game played way too early in the season.


Elsewhere in the League

In a navigational mishap of Columbusian proportions, parachutists carrying the game ball for the North Carolina football landed instead eight miles away at Duke's stadium.  I don't think anybody has seen a ball this far out of place since Jamie Lee Curtis's pediatrician.


Looking Ahead

There is not a single game on TV worth watching this week.  Get your yardwork done and watch the Cowboys (or your favorite NFL team) on Sunday.  I guess you could watch the A&M – New Mexico game on Versus if you a) have Versus and b) are a masochist.


Random Stuff

Best Places to Fart
5.  Starbucks
4.  Bathtub
3.  Wicks N Sticks
2.  Tom Petty Concert
1.  Wyoming

Worst Places to Fart
5.  Confession Booth
4.  Job Interview
3.  Library (do they still have those?)
2.  Ms. Brockman's English Class
1.  Spacesuit


In Conclusion

Well, we've made it through one week of lame preseason games.  Let's hold hands, fight through another, and get ready for the real season.  As an added treat, I have uploaded a choice outtake from last week's Press Conference youtube video.  This one called "Howdy to Aggies".  If you like it, please rate it, comment on it, and forward it along.

As always, I love your emails and appreciate your comments (good or bad) at psychoag98@yahoo.com  .  If you want to discuss this column with people that aren't me, you can do so on the Raiderpower forums by CLICKING HERE.


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