Weakly Retort

PsychoAg joins us again for another edition of the Weakly Retort. A fan favorite since 2005, the Retort takes a light-hearted look at the college football landscape, with a specific emphasis on the Big 12.


The Big XII made it a perfect 12 – 0 this week, outscoring their opponents by an average score of 44 – 16.666666667. I am so sick of non-conference games, especially these weak ones that come about because everyone is so scared to play anyone tough for fear of derailing their "national championship hopes". Well guess what, if you aren't Oklahoma and maybe Missouri this year, you aren't going anyway, so sack up and schedule some real opponents. Let's see some interesting games. No more I-AA schools. No more 65 – 3 games. Good grief, I'd rather watch the Texas Rangers limp across the finish line again, 35 games out of first place than sit through some of these college football yawners. No wonder I can't get my former former boss, Doug, to watch any of these games. They are more lopsided than Tori Spelling's hoo-hoos.

20/20 Hindsight

Nebraska 35 - San Jose State 12
This was a two point game in the fourth quarter and the Cornhuskers needed a returned kick and defensive touchdown to put this one away. That's it. There are no comments capable of being derived from a game like this. I am going to go back to my policy of just writing completely random and unrelated comments on games that piss me off.
Oklahoma 52 - Cincinnati 26
Much like QB Sam Bradford's eyes and the bridge of his nose, this game was abnormally close at times, as the Sooners held just a one score lead until 5 minutes left in the 3rd quarter. But it was Ryan Broyles who was the feel good story of the day as he set an OU freshman record with 141 receiving yards and scored a touchdown in his first college football game. You know the story, player strings along two in-state recruiting rivals like a plot out of a Saved By The Bell episode, before waiting until recruiting day to decide which girl to dance with. Then player gets arrested for stealing gas and ends up suspended for an entire season. Then when his redemption finally comes the next year, he is suspended for the season opener for undisclosed reasons. Yes, it's hard not to pull for the guy.
Texas A&M 28 - New Mexico 22
The Aggies bounce back from their humbling defeat by Arkansas State to win one on the road against New Mexico. The Aggies' "student of the game", "coach's son", "bring your lunchpail" (broadcaster speak for "white")quarterback Stephen McGee was knocked out of the game in the first quarter and replaced by "gifted athlete", "natural talent", "instinctive" (broadcaster speak for "black" quarterback Jerrod Johnson who throws for three touchdowns, creating a good old fashioned quarterback controversy. Of course, with how porous the Aggies' offensive line has shown to be against even mediocre talent, they will soon have to move all of their receivers back to playing quarterback where they started out and run some leather-helmet offense with no receivers and just hand the ball off to Jorvorskie Lane and hope that he doesn't get killed. Yes, this season looks to be wonderful.
Colorado 31 - Eastern Washington 24
I'm pretty sure that this is not what Colorado had planned when they scheduled this one. The Buffalae were actually down by a touchdown with 3:52 remaining to Eastern Washington, a team that has "EW" on their helmets that plays in the Big Sky Conference, which is I-AA or Football Bowl Ball Foot Series Championship Playoff Ball Division or something like that. I really hoped they were going to lose this one but the football gods missed a golden opportunity to teach a lesson. Kind of like when my daughter asked me where her baby sister came from and I told her "Babies R Us" because I was watching the Cowboy game.
Iowa State 48 - Kent State 28
After getting beat last year by the Kent State, %%MATCH_38%% State goes all %%MATCH_39%% National Guard on the Golden Flashes, running away with this one late. Even though Kent outgained the Cyclones, their four turnovers were too much to overcome.
Missouri 52 - Southeast Missouri State 3
Diet Dr. Pepper tastes a lot better if you pour it over ice than if you drink it straight from the can. It still doesn't turn into cupcakes and jellybeans and stuff when I drink it.
Baylor 51 - Northwestern State 6
The Bears finally break their nine-game losing streak by scheduling the mighty I-AA Northwestern State Demons, a fact not lost on the sparse crowd that spaced themselves comfortably throughout Floyd Casey Stadium. If you play a team this bad, all you get is some attendance smack.
Kansas 29 - Louisiana Tech " "
I know the above is confusing, because technically Louisiana Tech scored "zero" points. However, when Kansas coach Mark Mangino saw the digit up on the scoreboard, he mistook it for a giant, slightly-elongated donut, prompting him to scale the stadium supports, slather it in mayonnaise and consume it whole.
Oklahoma State 56 - Houston 37
The Cowboys lasso in eight touchdowns which unfortunately means that anyone listening to the game on the radio had to listen to the OSU jackball radio announcer throw out his trademark line "Pistols Firing!" eight times. Actually, I seriously doubt he would have to trademark it, because NOBODY ELSE ON EARTH has any desire to use it.
Kansas State 69 - Montana State 10
There were two blocked punts in this game. No, I'm not going to say anything clever about the score. I'm above that. (Albeit not very far.)
Texas Tech 35 - Nevada 19

%%MATCH_37%% Tech
This week, the Red Raider offense continued its trend of being a completely different creature on the road. Much like how there were two Voltrons, you know the one with the five lions, the awesome Voltron that everyone remembers that got you all excited (non-sexually) and made you pump your fist (also non-sexually) and go "Yeah!".
Texas Tech
But there was also the other Voltron, the one with all of the cars, the sucky Voltron that made you swear and turn off your television and get all confused because like, what were all those cars doing in space, and why is Voltron throwing all those interceptions? Note to those older than me: Replace "Voltron" with "Darrin Stephens". And speaking of confused, did Mike Leach really go for it on fourth down from his own 30 on the opening drive of the game? That's what happens when you don't have a good short yardage punter.
Texas 42 - %%MATCH_40%% 13
Colt McCoy has a great game, as he throws for 282 yards and four touchdowns, but ultimately his solid offensive performance is overshadowed by some uninterested dude on a mountain getting a tug tug .

Elsewhere in the League

In the most outrageous game of the week, %%MATCH_41%% beats Washington by blocking an extra point that would have tied the game in the last minute. What made this extra point unique was that it was kicked from 15 yards further back because a Washington player was called for excessive celebration after scoring the touchdown. The NCAA shows once again that it has no problem with players breezing through school and coming out without a meaningful degree, but they do feel the need to crack down on people getting excited during a football game. This time, it very well may have cost one team a game. Which leads me into my next discussion: the rules.

My 98 Cents Worth: Rule Changes

At the beginning of a season (I know, it started 2 weeks ago), it is always interesting to see what load of rules the NCAA has placed upon the alter (see, I made a pun.). After going what seemed like years without making any changes (much like my wardrobe), the NCAA has suddenly gone tweak-happy, primarily in the name of trying to fit the game into a 3 hour window for television. Who can forget the insane clock rules from a few years ago that got everyone up in arms? I'll tell you who, that guy from Memento.

Well, this year they finally have a couple of rules that make sense. First, they went to the NFL-style 40-second play clock, which proves that the NCAA reads The Weakly Retort, because I called for this last year. So, NCAA if you are still reading, let's make this playoff thing happen, shall we? They also adopted the NFL out of bounds rule, which speeds up the game, but still gives the offenses some control of the clock.

Some of the other rules involve player safety, which I am all for. However, one of the new rules struck me as odd, and I quote, "it is now a foul when a player targets an opponent and initiates contact with the crown (top) of the helmet. This rule is intended primarily for the safety of the player who initiates the contact." Are you serious? We are now making rules to protect players from themselves. If a guy is too stupid to know that you shouldn't spear somebody for risk of breaking your own neck, you are going to penalize him 15 yards? Why not penalize him by making him watch that same stupid video we had to watch in High School with the skeleton wearing the football helmet. Can we penalize coaches that makes decisions that might jeopardize their career? Coach Fran would have racked up three dozen "Smoke Draw" penalties. Mike Leach would be awash in "Go For it on Fourth Down" penalties. And could you imagine how many penalty yards the Kansas Jayhawks would rack up as their coach repeatedly failed the blood pressure test?

They got rid of the five-yard facemask penalty which is good because it was stupid. They also instituted the horse-collar rule, which is known as the "Roy Williams" rule in the pros. They prohibited video or audio recording of the opponent's signals, which is known as the "Bill Belichick" rule in the pros. And they amped up the sideline infraction, which is known as the "Jerry Jones" rule in the pros. That was a lot funnier before I typed it.

Looking Ahead

USF vs. Kansas 7:00 PM (Sep 12) on ESPN2
Why to watch: A solid matchup of ranked teams with up and coming coaches. Probably the best game of the week.
Who will win: Kansas 35 – USF 2" ".
Iowa vs. Iowa State 11:00 AM on BTN
Why not to watch: It is on the Big Ten Network and the Big Ten has eleven teams. This is a poor example for our children.
Who will win: Iowa will probably win, but I have to go by conference strength here. Iowa State 12 – Iowa 10 (11)
Missouri vs. Nevada 11:30 AM on PPV
Why not to watch: Not worth paying for unless you went to Missouri and really really really want to blow money on a worthless game when you could spend the same dough on NCAA Footbal '09 and pound them yourself.
Who will win: Nevada did a good job of slowing down Graham Harrell, but will have a tougher time against the over-boogered Chase Daniel. Missouri 45 – Nevada 14
Oklahoma State vs. Missouri State 12:05 PM on FCS
Why to watch: Because if you listen to the game on the radio, you will have to hear "Pistols Firing" nine times this week.
Who will win: Oklahoma State 63 – Missouri State 12
Texas Tech vs. Southern Methodist 6:00 PM on FSN
Why to watch: June Jones is about to learn how a spread offense works on the mainland. If Leach is in a bad mood, Tech could possibly score over 100 points this week, and I think he will just for style points after the past two games.
Who will win: Texas Tech 105 – %%MATCH_42%% -4
Nebraska vs. New Mexico State 6:00 PM on PPV
Why not to watch: Another PPV cupcake special.
Who will win: Let's see what the random score generator says: Nebraska 2C – New Mexico State F. Huh. The fool thing was set on hexadecimal.
Washington vs. Oklahoma 6:45 PM on ESPN
Why to watch: Washington had a chance last week to break BYU's winning streak and as you read earlier (unless you just scrolled right past it), that got screwed by a blown call. As we all know, Oklahoma claims they are always getting screwed by bad calls themselves. It will be interesting to see just who screws who this week.
Who will win: Oklahoma gets to be the man this week. Oklahoma 34 – Washington 22.
Washington State vs. Baylor 7:30 PM on nothing
Why not to care: Not on TV. Not even on my radar.
Who will win: Baylor 38 – Washington State 12. Why not, right?

In Conclusion

That's it for this week. Hope your homes aren't getting the Tina Turner treatment this weekend as Ike takes a stroll through Texas. They've already postponed the Texas – Arkansas game, which is one game that would actually interest me. Have I become overly bitter? This whole "retiring from football fandom" thing has really gotten me down. I don't know if I can sit on the sidelines any longer. Maybe it is time that I come out of retirement. Stay tuned…
As always, I love your emails and appreciate your comments (good or bad) at psychoag98@yahoo.com . If you want to discuss this column with people that aren't me, you can do so on the Raiderpower forums at <>. For those of you that have sent me emails that I haven't responded to, I apologize. My internet provider has been down and my five month old has been up.

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