Weakly Retort

PsychoAg joins us again for another edition of the Weakly Retort. A fan favorite since 2005, the Retort takes a light-hearted look at the college football landscape, with a specific emphasis on the Big 12.


We all continue to struggle with meaningless games in the non-conference schedule.  Oh, the teams aren't struggling (except that durned Arkansas State game), it is the fans that are struggling.  Struggling to find something to watch.  We now have about 50 more games on every week, yet we seem to be finding less and less to watch.  It is the sports equivalent of subscribing to DirecTV.  Sure you are excited about all of the new stuff you have access to, but it is all stuff like HGTV2 or Independent Film Channel, or The Waltons Channel.  Real eye-pokey-outy kind of stuff.  So, let's get on with it.

20/20 Hindsight

South Florida  37  -  Kansas  34
An interesting game that I didn't watch.  I really wish I would have because it seemed like an interesting game.  The Jayhawks lose on a last second field goal, and I won't give them too much grief because at least they played a ranked team.  Even if it is South Florida.

Iowa  17  -  Iowa State  5
Five points?  How often do you see someone score five points?  The good news about this is that there was a safety.  I love the safety.  It is one of my favorite plays in football.  Whenever a safety happens, you always know it is the result of some wild-@$$ play.  A blocked punt.  A quarterback fumbling the ball in the endzone and trying to pick it up.  It's always something crazy.  And even better is the way that it turns the entire defense into Barbara Eden as they clap their hands of their heads and jump up and down just to make sure the referee fully understands what has just occurred.

Very rarely do you see an entire squad of players get so animated doing an official's call.  Could you imagine if the entire defense suddenly enacted the chop block call?

It would look like the dancing at my wedding.  I just read the game recap and saw that it was an intentional safety, which is kind of boring, so screw me.

Missouri  280  -  Nevada  0
Actually, that probably wasn't the score, but after Missouri scored 14 points in the first three minutes, I turned on some Saved By the Bell reruns and just mathed (made up word) out the rest of the score.  It was funny, too, it was the one where Jesse got all hopped up on caffeine pills to study and missed her big show with Zack Attack at the Max.  Yeah, that's kind of what I feel like every week when I am writing this at 11:30 pm.  I'm so excited!  I'm so excited!  I'm so…. Scared!!

(Editor's note:  The score was really 69 – 17.)

Baylor  45  -  Washington State  17
The Bears win again, this time pounding an awful Washington State team.  But the upside is that the Bears are now 2 – 1, and nothing gets the fans excited in Waco like winning.  Except maybe tarring and feathering a bootlegger.

Oklahoma State  57  -  Missouri State  13
Man, wouldn't Oklahoma vs. Missouri been a really entertaining matchup?  A slugfest between two of the Big XII's top teams, battling for conference supremacy.  Yes.  However, this was Oklahoma STATE vs. Missouri STATE, which had all of the drama of a holepunch.  And not even a 3-hole punch, but one of those handheld bucktoothed alligator looking things.

Nebraska  38  -  New Mexico State  7
Wow.  Joe Ganz hit for the cycle, as he threw a touchdown pass, ran for a touchdown, and then caught a touchdown pass. I'm really glad that God gave kids armpits so that you can pick them up when they're crying.

Texas Tech  43  -  SMU  7
When we were a kid, my brother and I used to pretend that SMU stood for "Smell My Underwear".  I just realized that I typed "when we were a kid" which implies that my brother and I were Siamese twins.  It makes the story even stranger since I went to A&M and he went to Tech.  I'm not going to go back and correct it, because it is one of the only funny things I have written in this stupid thing, and it wasn't even intentional.  Meanwhile, the Red Raider offense gets back on track as Harrell throws for 5 TD and 513 passing yards, making a whole bunch of Aggies who just got through frantically clicking refresh for 15 minutes to by tickets say "Crap.  I wonder what they would fetch on Ebay".

Oklahoma  55  -  Washington  14
Bradford inexplicably continues his assault on passing stats, this week going 18 for 21 for 304 yards and 5 touchdowns.  He then got bored and ran one in just for toots and giggles as the Sooners mercilessly pound yet another non-conference opponent.

Elsewhere in the League:

Air Force  31  -  Houston  28
Sure, this looks on the surface like just another hard-fought college football game that came down to the end.  Well, it did, but when you look at the game statistics, you realize that this game was completely jacked up.  Sure it was moved because of Hurricane Ike, but the weather wasn't much better in Dallas.  This led Air Force to abandon the passing game, and when I say abandon, I am talking put it in a wicker basket with a bottle of milk and a cloth diaper and leave it at the fire station kind of abandon.  Air Force finished the game with 380 rushing yards, and ZERO passing yards.  ZERO.  This is the AIR Force, people. Do you know what kind of a passer rating you get with you go 0 for 7 passing for ZERO yards?  I'm not sure, but if it were a food, it would be "candied goat anus".

My 98 Cents Worth

One thing that I have a fascination with is the way that people's opinions of a player change, based on what jersey they are wearing.  I thought my Aggie brain would explode at the thought of Zach Thomas playing on the Dallas Cowboys.  This is the player that single-handedly set off the chain reaction that has led to seven straight Aggie losses in Lubbock.  Easily one of the most hated players in Aggieland.  But as soon as he put on that Cowboy star, I began pulling for him like as if he were my favorite player.  

Yet, I've noticed that I do the same thing with other Big XII players.  Even ones that don't play for the Cowboys.  I pull for Wes Welker on the Patriots.  Roy Williams on the Lions (I can't stand the Roy Williams on the Cowboys, but that is because he has blown so many coverages they had to wire his jaw shut.  I don't know what that means.)  I would pull for Baylor players if any of them ever got drafted.  No, Mike Singletary doesn't still count.

You will notice that Big XII players in the pros seem to follow their school's theme.  Tech players are the underrated types that work hard and blossom into solid players.  A&M players are ones that don't pan out and seem to keep ending up in Canada.  Oklahoma players tend to be a little more spread across the spectrum with Adrian Peterson on one end, and Roy Williams on the other.  Then you come to Texas where the cupcake atmosphere in Austin turns them into complete freakshows in the NFL.  First Ricky Williams puts on a wedding dress and quits football to smoke the chronic, and now Vince Young is tired of getting booed and doesn't know if he wants to play football anymore.

Looking back, this is one of the worst bits of writing in the history of anything.  I failed to make any sort of cohesive point, and in fact made three distinctly separate partial ones.  There was only anecdotal evidence for any of them and it wasn't even all that entertaining.  I now feel a bit like Billy Madison after explaining how the puppy lost his way.

Looking Ahead

Colorado vs. West Virginia  7:30 PM Yesterday
In case you TiVoed it, I'll go ahead and tell you that Colorado won.

Baylor at Connecticut  7:00 PM Friday on ESPN2
Survey says:  Check this one out.  Not many other games on as the resurgent Bears are suddenly playing on Friday all the time (Editor's note:  This is the second time).
Who will win:  Baylor 42 – 24 because I know absolutely nothing about Connecticut.  Except how to spell it.  Scoreboard for me.

Miami at Texas A&M  2:30 PM Saturday on ABC
Why to watch:  Probably the game of the week, which isn't really saying much.
Who will win:  Miami 22 – 10.  A&M's offensive offensive line + Miami's speed on defense = a long day for the Aggie backfield, no matter who is playing quarterback.

Kansas vs. Sam Houston State  6:00 PM on FCS
Why not to watch:  There is no saving grace to this game whatsoever.  It will be a merciless pounding, and a boring one.
Why to watch:  It is during dinner time, and shots of the Kansas sideline will keep you from going back for seconds.

Who will win:  Uhh, Kansas 57 – 3.

Texas vs. Rice  6:00 PM on FSN
Why not to watch: The game will suck, and so will the broadcast quality.
Why to watch:  Who knows what you will see in the stands this week?  It is like really really low budget scrambled porn.
Who will win: 
Texas  48 – 20

UNLV vs. Iowa State  8:00 PM on MTN
Why to watch:  To get a head start trying to knock out that insomnia.
Who will win:  All who don't watch.

In other non-TV games, Missouri will pound Buffalo and Tech will pound Massachusetts.  Both teams should be embarrassed.  I could see either Tech or Missouri putting up 70.

In Conclusion

Yeah, this week the bag was kind of empty so I threw in a few cheap links to youtube videos that I didn't make.  I think this floating around without an official team is really getting to me.  It makes it tougher to get excited for a game when I am busy maintaining journalistic integrity and enjoying my retirement while not selecting anyone to root for.  I will do something about this soon.

As always, I love your emails and appreciate your comments (good or bad) at psychoag98@yahoo.com  .  If you want to discuss this column with people that aren't me, you can do so on the Raiderpower forums here



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