Weakly Retort

PsychoAg joins us again for another edition of the Weakly Retort. A fan favorite since 2005, the Retort takes a light-hearted look at the college football landscape, with a specific emphasis on the Big 12.


Just like kids are always afraid of the looming specter of year-round school, I am beginning to be concerned about the concept of "week-round" football games.  This week, the Big XII played on Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, and Saturday.  Folks, listen.  Friday night is high school football night.  Even though I haven't gone to a high school football game since, well, high school, and I have two kids under the age of three that are both girls, it is still high school football night. Or find a baby sitter night.  Something.  Not college football, that's just weird.  And Sure, Wednesday night is "find a reason to skip the midweek church service" night, but Mountain West Conference football isn't a good enough reason anyway.  And Thursday night it a nightful of wonderful on NBC (The Office and 30 Rock, FTW!), not to mention, "For yet another week, I didn't get an early start on The Retort" night.

So let's just leave it on Saturdays, please?  Unlike other sports like baseball that play just about every day, football is a crescendo that builds throughout the week and finally peaks on Saturday with college football and Sunday with the pros.  (I'm not even a big fan of Monday Night Football…)  You have several days to talk up the coming matchup, trash talk on the other school's message boards, and then you have a another few days afterward to second guess the hiring of Mike Sherman or the scheduling of yet another I-AA team (more on that later).  I realize that odd-night games are the only chance some of these weaker conference schools have to be on TV, but please, let's don't overexpose the greatness of college football.  Look what it did to the omnipresent Matthew McConnaghey.

20/20 Hindsight:

Madlib:  Before you go on, think of a kitchen utensil and a food substance.  You will need them later.

Louisville  38  -  Kansas State  29
The Wildcats suffered football dysentery as they were taken down by the runs.  In this case, they were touchdown runs by freshman running back Victor Anderson.  In a game where the Cardinals drew inspiration from Muhammad Ali waving from a golf cart (honestly, I'm not making that up), Anderson piled up 176 yards on the ground and 3 TDs, while teammate Brock Bolen added 104 yards of his own.  Fortunately, K-State won't see too much of this in the pass-happy Big XII, where quarterback is king, and runningback is like Vice-Chancellor of Arse-Grabbery or something like that.

Colorado  17  -  West Virginia  14
Like a band of lawmen raiding the moonshine still, the Buffalae upset the Mountaineers, this time off the foot of Aric Goodman
(not to be confused with Bond Foil Auric Goldfinger who looks nothing like him) 
who booted a 25-yard field goal in overtime.  After knocking a leather ball with his foot through some yellow pipes, he was awarded with a scholarship by coach Dan Hawkins after the game.  God Bless America.   I would really love to see Congress tell Henry Paulson, "Hey, before you get your $700 billion bailout, let's see you hit a curveball, chachi."

Connecticut  31  -  Baylor  28
In the battle of "schools that are really good at women's basketball; men's football, notsomuch" UConn edges out Baylor on Friday night.  Baylor continues to be not quite there as they almost beat an almost serviceable team on a day that was almost Saturday. 

Missouri  42  -  Buffalo  21
The Tigers bring out their big guns on the mighty Buffalo Bulls (not making that up) of the Mid-America Conference (not making that up either).  Once again, the sentenceularly-named (okay, I DID make that word up) Chase Daniel beat another quarterback whose name is a sentence, this time bettering Drew Willy, who is not to be confused with a plot device from the movie Superbad.

Miami  41  -  Texas A&M  23
This one started out so great.  Well, not the false start on the very first play, but the 63-yard touchdown scored by Michael Goodson on a SCREEN pass.  A&M fans watched in giddy delight as he sliced through the Miami defense like a hot (utensil) through (food product). Unfortunately, that was about the end of the good news.  One week after Hurricane Ike ravaged the South Texas area, Hurricane Miami blew into town and much like FEMA, the once vaunted Wrecking Crew always seemed to be about two-steps too slow.  I mean seriously, the New Orleans levees provided better defense.

Texas  52  -  Rice  10
The futility continues as Rice has now lost 38 of their last 39 games against the Longhorns, this time with Colt McCoy starring in his own movie as he goes 19/23 for 329 yards and 4 TDs, adding another 83 yards and a score on the ground.  Things were so sad for the Owls, that at one point they had the ball on the Longhorn 2 yard line and ran 11 straight plays without scoring (a few pass interference penalties contributed).  I think even Steve Urkel could score if you gave him 11 tries.

Kansas  38  -  Sam Houston State  14

Texas Tech  56  -  Massachusetts  14
Much like how Frasier Crane didn't know what to do with those tossed salads and scrambled eggs, UMass had no idea what to do with the Red Raider offense.  Air Raider rang up to the tune of 359 yards and 4 TDs by air, and because Mike Leach finally got bored enough, they added another 179 yards and 3 TDs on the ground.  They also scored one on defense, and finally after running out of ways to score, they just decided they didn't need any more in the 4th quarter.  Fortunately, they have a week off before Big XII play, you know, in case anyone got shin splints or something.

UNLV  34  -  Iowa State  31
The Cyclones, who now haven't won a road game in their last 13 tries, lose to UNLV in overtime.  Dude, I didn't even know UNLV had a football team.  Seriously.  The only thing I knew about UNLV was that towel-suck guy that used to coach their basketball team.  Turns out, they have only won two games in each of the past two seasons.  Congrats Iowa State, you are turning into Baylor-North.

My 98 Cents Worth: 

You've heard me rant about all of these meaningless nonconference games, but what are we to do about them?  As long as there is no playoff system, we are going to have this problem as teams are too afraid to lose.  But let's assume that playoffs/bowls are not an issue, what would you like to see?

Here is what I want.  Each team gets one tuneup game.  If you are in a BCS conference, this cannot be against a I-AA school.  And you certainly can't be like Tech, which is one of only two schools to schedule TWO I-AA schools.  (I know Tulsa backed out, but the other one was intentional.)  This game is to work the kinks out and must be the first game of the season.  People will be so desperate for college football to start back up that they will cut you some slack in playing a weak sister team for one week.  This will probably be a game where you pay some school to come get slaughtered so that you can get your tuneup and they can buy helmets that aren't leather.

Your second game has to be against another BCS conference team.  It can be a crappy BCS conference like the Pac-10 or Big 10, but it has to be a BCS team.  This one will probably be a home and home arrangement and should at least generate a mild wow factor.  This can also be a standing non-conference rivalry game like ColoradoColorado State.  It has the added intrigue of being a rivalry game that can even out an otherwise boring affair.  (Not to be confused with the extremely boring affair that some poor lady had to go through with John Edwards.)

Your third game has to be against a team that is similar to you in rank and prestige.  This is where we get the classic TexasOhio State matchups.  I realize that teams rise and fall and that schedules are made a few years in advance, but I propose that this game cannot be schedule more than two years in advance, and must be with a team that is on par with you at the time you schedule it.  If one team pulls an A&M and suddenly falls off the map under the weight of a Little-Debbie munching retard, then that isn't your fault.

Games two and three can swap weeks if need be for scheduling, which should ensure that there is a good mix of great games leading into conference play.  You don't need a fourth game because that extra week can be used for adding a round of playoffs at the end.  Disagree?  Send me your thoughts at the address below.

Looking Ahead:

Army  at  Texas A&M  11:30 AM  on Versus
Why to watch:
Last year Army took it right down to almost the final play before losing to the Aggies at a "neutral" site.  This year, the game is in College Station where Mike Sherman has yet to win a ball game as the head coach.
Who will win:  Texas A&M  24 – Army 20  The Aggies win uglyly as they still aren't fully on track and may be using their 3rd string quarterback (probably a converted deep snapper).  I swear, Aggie players change positions more times than a guy with a six pack of Red Bull in one hand and a copy of The Kama Sutra in the other.

Colorado  at  Florida State  2:30 PM  on ABC
Why to watch?
  Your coverage map gives you this game instead of the ArkansasTexas game.  This is a battle of teams that were really good when I was in high school.  Should still make for an interesting matchup if you can see it.
Who will win:  Florida State 6 – Colorado 3  Last week in the Florida State – Wake Forrest game it was 12 – 3 with nothing but field goals.  I don't expect anything to change this week except that Bowden gets a win.

Arkansas  at Texas  2:30 PM  on ABC
Why not to watch
:  In the past, this would have been a really good matchup, so I don't fault the Longhorns for scheduling it.  Unfortunately, the Razorbacks are looking more like Spam this season, and not the amusing kind that you get in your email box promising you a bigger tallywhacker.  I'm talking about the unappetizing hamish compound that white trash people eat for breakfast.
Who will win:  Texas  56 – Arkansas 14

Louisiana-Lafayette  at  Kansas State  2:35 PM
Why not to give a crap:
  The Wildcats try to rebound from their loss to Louisville by pounding Ooh La La.  This one ranks right there below Jimmy cracking corn in my book.
Who will win:  Kansas State 23 – U-La-La 14 I predict a close, sloppy, boring game.

TCU  at  Oklahoma  6:00 PM  on FSN
Why to watch:
  Because everyone is pointing to this game as an upset special.
Why not to watch:  Because it won't be.  Oklahoma will plaster TCU.  Mark it down.  TCU isn't sneaking up on anyone, and this isn't the OU team of a few years ago with no real direction on offense.  Now they have a proven quarterback, even if he has no real direction that both eyes are focusing.
Who will win:  Oklahoma 48 – TCU 10  TCU, STFU.

Troy  at  Oklahoma State  6:05 PM
  I don't care and neither do you.  Unless OSU loses.  Then I can't wait for the postgame press conference.
Who will win:  OSU  28 – Troy 14.

Virginia Tech  at  Nebraska  7:00 PM  on ABC
Why to watch:
   This one actually has some potential.  Both teams are former powerhouses that have kind of slid down the ladder a bit.  Virginia Tech's passing offense is horrendous  (1 TD – 5 Int this year) so look for Nebraska to have the edge.  Pour yourself a nice glass of tequila, and whenever one of the announcers uses the phrase "Beamer Ball"  or gushes about special teams, then take a drink.  Please give your keys and your cellphone to a friend first.
Who will win:  Nebraska 35 – Virginia Tech 17

In Conclusion:

Well that is about it.  Just about the time I get done railing on Thursday night games, Oregon State upsets USC in an instant classic. I still think it would have been better in prime time on Saturday night.

I want to give a random shout out to J. Irwin, who, along with her husband, are avid readers of the column.  She said her husband would not believe that she emailed me and that I should mention it in the column.  Well, apparently, you two have trust issues, because I am now forced to mention it in the column for the sake of your marriage.  (She's still lying to you about how much that new pair of shoes cost.  They weren't on sale, and she didn't get them at Payless.  She also bought a matching handbag that she hasn't told you about either.)

As always, I love your emails and appreciate your comments (good or bad) at psychoag98@yahoo.com  .  If you want to discuss this column with people that aren't me, you can do so on the Raiderpower forums here. 

Mazel Tov,



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