Weakly Retort

PsychoAg joins us again for another edition of the Weakly Retort. A fan favorite since 2005, the Retort takes a light-hearted look at the college football landscape, with a specific emphasis on the Big 12.

Introduction

I've gotten several emails from people asking my why I bother making predictions if I'm not going to go back and review them.  Actually, I haven't gotten those emails, but there is no way of you knowing that, short of this admission, so I am going to pretend I got them to segue into something I was going to do anyway.  Starting this week, I will be including my prediction for the game from the prior week in the 20/20 Hindsight so we can see just how little I know about football, and why the only thing I will bet on is video poker.  I'm only going to include it for posterior's sake and won't dwell on it because A)  This is not a gambling newsletter so I don't want anyone blaming me because they lost all of their money taking my worthless advice.  Don't worry, just pretend you lost it all on subprime mortgages and someone will surely bail you out.  And B) listening to someone else go on and on is about as exciting as listening to someone telling you how awesome their fantasy football team did, or telling you a dream they had about former Rangers centerfielder Oddibe McDowell making pictures of cabbage with a Lite-Brite.  (No, I have never had that dream.  Yet.)


20/20 Hindsight

Madlib:  Think of a body part and a farming implement.  Yeah, I think you see where this one is going…

Texas A&M  21  -  Army  17
My prediction:  Texas A&M  24  -  Army 20.
Oh dear.  A&M squeaks by a winless Army team in what may be their last win of the season.  The Aggies looked completely dumbfounded by the option which strikes me as odd because it was the offense they essentially ran for the last four cawdang years.  Army completely dominated in the meaningless time of possession stat, 36 minutes to 23 minutes, which was more lopsided than the time I played "keep away" with the kid down the street with the asthma and the "Magic: The Gathering" T-shirt.  Army finished the game with one completion for four  yards giving false hopes to A&M's pass defense rating.

Florida State  39  -  Colorado  21
My prediction:  Florida State  6  -  Colorado 3
Well, either Florida State kicked 13 field goals or they decided to start scoring some touchdowns.  Bobby Bowden, who has been coaching at Florida State for 33 years, which is longer than I have been alive, won his 376th career game, briefly tying Joe Paterno for most wins as both coaches have now taken to standing around on the sidelines without even wearing a headset as they rack up victories and check their lunchboxes for Fruit Roll Ups. I'm not really sure what I meant by that, but I'm sticking with it because I am a maverick.

Texas  52  -  Arkansas  10
My prediction:  Texas  56  -  Arkansas  14
Good grief Arkansas sucks.  And I don't mean like sipping through one of those little straws you get with a Jack and Coke that is really supposed to be used for stirring, I'm talking full bore 20-story shop vac kind of sucks.  Ever since any somewhat serviceable player on the entire team bolted and they brought in one nut to replace another Nutt, they haven't been able to do anything.  Mack Brown continues to find success with the "one-man offense" concept as Colt McCoy again puts up ridiculous numbers completing 17 of 19 for 3 TDs and rushing for 2 more.  I can't wait until he goes to the NFL and decides to only conduct interviews in Sanskrit while wearing one of those Carmen Miranda fruit hats and a sequin jumpsuit.

Kansas State  45  -  Louisiana-Lafayette  37
My prediction:  Kansas State  23  -  ULaLa  14
The Wildcats get into a slugfest with the Rajun Cajuns in a game I care less about than I do Fox's new game show "Hole in the Wall".  And that is saying something.  Which is why I'm saying nothing.

Oklahoma  35  -  TCU  10
My prediction:  Oklahoma  48  -  TCU 10
See, I told you.  All of those people that claimed TCU was going to go in and shock the Sooners were dead wrong.  TCU brought in their top-ranked defense and OU proceeded to jump all over them early and never look back.  Believe me, I don't like the fact that the Sooners are doing well, but let's face it, Captain Stooping one has got his crimson love boat under control (one of the dumbest things I have ever written).  I guess TCU can take solace in the fact that they held the OU juggernaut to only 25 yards rushing.

Oklahoma State  55  -  Troy  24
My prediction:  Oklahoma State  28  -  Troy  14
Oklahoma State continued its offensive onslaught hanging two nickels on I-AA Troy.  You know what, you play a I-AA team and you get madlibbed.  Even though Oklahoma State scored a bunch of points, I would still rather get my (body part) caught in a (farming implement) than sit through this.

Virginia Tech  35  -  Nebraska  30
My prediction:  Nebraska  35  -  Virginia Tech 17
This game was bittersweet in that it had something I loved, a blocked punt for a safety, and something that makes my stomach churn, announcers using the phrase "Beamer Ball".  The Huskers never led in this one, including at the end, which is why they ended up losing.  That right there is some hard hitting football commentary.


My 98 Cents Worth

This part is going to be a bit shorter than usual because I spent an hour and a half watching the Vice-Presidential debates hoping for a train wreck that never happened.  No, Joe Biden didn't talk about Abraham Lincoln posting about the moon landing on his blog, and Sarah Palin didn't think that the Constitution was the kind of breakfast that you get at budget motels.  But it did get me thinking.  Who would I like to see debate?

At first I considered RC Slocum and Spike Dykes debating the merits of the Southwest Conference, but I decided I wouldn't want to weed through the subtitles.  I thought about Vince Young debating Ricky Williams over who was the bigger NFL bust.  I even thought about Bob Stoops and Steve Spurrier arguing over who looks dumber in a visor.  But finally, I decided that the debate that would intrigue me the most would be Mike Leach and Mike Gundy arguing over who had the better mascot.  It really doesn't matter WHAT they are arguing over, but the sheer dichotomy of personalities on display would be worth the price of admission.  Gundy ranting and raving, spittle flying from his mouth, while Leach just kind of blankly stares at him condescendingly.  It would be like a hummingbird getting in a fight with a dead parakeet.


Looking Ahead

Thank the Almighty for conference play.  Now I will only have 6 games per week to make up smarmy comments about.  Believe me, it is a lot harder than it sounds.  It always seemed so easy in Ms. Hyepock's 3rd grade class, when all it took was a mere reference to human flatus or, if I were feeling really daring, a good joke focusing on defecant. Now, the public wants more.  They want incest, morbid obesity, optical deformities, and of course nut-squeezin'.

Looking ahead, there are a whole lot of ranked teams in the Big XII, including 3 in the top 5, and 4 in the top 10.  That's a power conference baby.  But, given that, except for OSU, all of the ranked teams play on the road, this should be a good week to see at least one upset.  Not to kick my hosts in the crotch, but I think that it will be Texas Tech on the road at Kansas State.  More below.

Kansas (16)  at  Iowa State  11:30 AM
Why to care:  Not applicable.
Who will win:  Kansas  38  –  Iowa State  14

Oklahoma (1)  at  Baylor  11:30 AM on FSN
Why to watch:  To see what Baylor can bring against the mighty Sooners.
Why not to watch:  Baylor can get as excited as they want, but in this case, the Bears are no match for the menacing covered wagons.
Who will win:  Oklahoma  50  -  Baylor 20
Where I came up with those numbers:  Pulled them out of my, you know.

Texas Tech (7)  at  Kansas State  2:30 PM on ABC
Why to watch:  Upset potential as Tech tends to struggle on the road.  If Tech can scrounge up a good short yardage punter, then the tide may turn.
Who will win:  Kansas State  28  -  Texas Tech 21

Texas A&M  at  Oklahoma State (21)  6:05 PM
Why this will be a killing:  Oklahoma State offense = FTW, Texas A&M defense = teh suck.
Why this will be extra painful:  My former former boss the sportstard will suddenly start talking smack after he finds out that his school beat my school.  Of course, he will only know if I tell him.
Who will win:  Oklahoma State  45  -  Texas A&M  21

Texas (5)  at  Colorado  6:10 PM on FSN
Why to watch:  This is also an upset candidate as Texas is playing Colorado on the road in a night game the week before the big OU game, none of which bodes well for the Longhorns.  Colorado also has a whole bunch of weed.
Who will win:  Texas  31  -  Colorado  28.  The lack of a running game for the Longhorns keeps this close, but they pull it out on a late field goal by Colt McCoy (why not).

Missouri (4)  at  Nebraska  8:00 PM on ESPN
Why to watch:  Night game in HD on ESPN.  The game won't be particularly entertaining, but it will look good.  The football equivalent of a drill team.
Who will win:  Missouri  42  -  Nebraska  21


In Conclusion

Fortunately, we are heading in to Big XII play, so the games will actually start meaning something.  This also means that unless I start padding this thing it is going to get considerably shorter as the number of games each week essentially cuts in half.  Look for even more non sequitur bullcrap and venting on random topics.  If you have a topic you would like to see partially addressed and then abruptly terminated, shoot me an email and let me know.

I may have missed some stuff or made some errors, but that is because I don't proofread.  Proofreading is for those swishy hipped fellas with the horn rimmed glasses.

As always, I love your emails and appreciate your comments (good or bad) at psychoag98@yahoo.com  .  If you want to discuss this column with people that aren't me, you can do so on the Raiderpower forums here

Adios.  Mofos.,

Psychoag


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