Weakly Retort

PsychoAg joins us again for another edition of the Weakly Retort. A fan favorite since 2005, the Retort takes a light-hearted look at the college football landscape, with a specific emphasis on the Big 12.


Last week was normally the week when my former former boss, who went to Oklahoma State but wouldn't know a football if it jumped up and bit him (odd behavior for a football, notwithstanding), would vainly attempt to talk smack, knowing that my team was playing the school he attended (he never refers to it as "his school"). So, given that the Aggies have done a pretty good job of handling the Orange Cowboys over the years, this year's return whuppin would finally give him a chance to fight back if he so chose.

But instead, he came up to me today (Thursday) and said, "Hey, doesn't the school I went to play your school sometime soon?" Given that he had no idea we had already played, I just told him "No, man, we don't play this year." I don't feel bad about it, considering that he claims to read this column every week and should have been tipped off last week by the part that said, "Texas A&M at Oklahoma State (21) 6:05 PM". And I know he read it last week, because he came up and asked me how to pronounce "sportstard."

20/20 Hindsight

Madlib: Think of a food and a beverage…

Texas 38 - Colorado 14

My prediction: Texas 31 - Colorado 28

Sure, Colt McCoy seems to be a pretty good quarterback. After all, he leads the nation with a 79.2 completion percentage, which is just short of insane. I mean, my brother and I couldn't complete 79.2 % of our passes when we were playing catch. And that includes when we were sitting on the couch six feet apart biding time until mom's "My Little Lamb" Hummel figurine was suddenly transformed into "Venus de Milo With Headless Wool Beast". But it was the Texas defense that finally burst onto the scene like a burly debutante, choking the life out of the Colorado offense and holding them to 266 total yards, 89 of which came after the benches were emptied.

Oklahoma 49 - Baylor 17

My prediction: Oklahoma 50 - Baylor 20

The Bears had such high hopes for the season and new coach Art Briles, but the Bears settle back into their comfort zone at the bottom of the Big XII South where they keep bitching at Texas A&M for stealing the covers. It was all Oklahoma as the Sooners jumped out to a 28 point lead and never looked back. The talk of Waco, freshman Robert Griffin, was only 11 of 26 for 75 yards, but did manage to break 100 yards on the ground. Keep your chins up, Baylor, and remember what ol' Psychoag always says: when life gives you (food), make (beverage).

Texas Tech 58 - Kansas State 28

My prediction: Kansas State 28 - Texas Tech 21

Man, I really caught a lot of heat in email over this prediction, but hey I was half right. Texas Tech didn't show any road rust, as they have on occasion in previous seasons, as they rack up 626 total yards and 8 touchdowns. Michael Crabtree hauled in two more TDs to give him 30 in 18 games. Tech punted once in the game for zero yards (it was blocked), prompting head coach Mike Leach to mumble, "See, what good a short-yardage punter did for us?"

Oklahoma State 56 - Texas A&M 28

My prediction: Oklahoma State 45 - Texas A&M 21

For a half at least, A&M figured out how to keep the high-powered offense from scoring: keep them off of the field. Unfortunately, they didn't accomplish this via a tenacious defense forcing endless three and outs, but rather by an inept offense that threw two interceptions that were returned for touchdowns, and a special teams unit that allowed a 78-yard punt return for a touchdown. The Aggies continue to pile up injuries like a nursing home mosh pit, and may not win another game this season.

Kansas 35 - Iowa State 33

My prediction: Kansas 38 - Iowa State 14

The Fighting Manginoes, who just a few years ago were the BCS darlings, are now struggling to hang with the elite of the Big XII. And no, I am not referring to last week's opponent, the hapless Cyclones. But having lost to the only ranked team they faced (#19 South Florida) and having four more ranked teams to go (all in the top 10) it doesn't bode well for the Jayhawks. Against Iowa State, they found themselves looking at a 20 point deficit, which is the deepest hole they have faced this season since "Shower With the Coaches Team Building Night". Yet this time, they were able to climb out of it (gross) as they rallied back to score 35 in the second half and edge the Cyclones.

Most Uncomfortable Name Award

Notre Dame Defensive End Pat Kuntz

My 98 Cents Worth:

Ladies and gentlemen, Aggieland is facing a crisis. A crisis of epic proportions, as wins and attendance decline toward zero. We seem to have a subprime coaching crisis, and in order to restore confidence in the program, I am asking the powers that be to provide us with a bailout. We have already foreclosed on Coach Fran, and it looks like we are now upside down with our current coaching staff. I am asking for the NCAA to provide billions of dollars to purchase toxic losses off of our schedule and restore confidence in the direction of the A&M football team. You can't blame us for this, we were forced into taking on bad coaches by the previous administration, and this isn't a golden parachute for our athletic director, but a way to unfreeze the seized up wallets of all of the donating alumni. Without this, a domino effect could permeate throughout the entire Big XII, bringing the whole conference down. So if you want to have any hope of us ever being better than the SEC, then you need to start kicking a little bling to the Aggies.

Looking Ahead

This week, I am making a small change. Instead of listing the games in the order they are played, I am going to list them in the order of watchability. The best game (on TV) is going to be listed first. Games not on TV are going to be at the end.

Texas vs. Oklahoma 11:00 AM on ABC

Why to Watch: This game is back to being a meaningful rivalry once again, as the winner has the inside track to the Big XII South. It will also be interesting to see the meaningless renovations to the Cotton Bowl, which is like your ex-girlfriend springing five grand on a boob job after you already left her for a supermodel.

Who will win: Oklahoma 38 - Texas 34

Missouri vs. Oklahoma State 7:00 PM on ESPN2

Why to Watch: Another battle of solid offenses. If you watch it on TV, you might have to deal with seeing Chase Daniel eat boogers, but it is substantially better than listening to the annoying "Pistols Firing!" guy on the radio.

Who will win: Missouri 41 - Oklahoma State 28

Texas Tech vs. Nebraska 2:00 PM on FSN

Why to watch: You enjoy seeing Cornhusker football slide down the list of fun things to do in Nebraska to settle in behind "Playing Cornhole", which fortunately doesn't mean what it sounds like.

Who will win: Texas Tech 59 - Nebraska 21

Kansas vs. Colorado 11:30 AM on ESPN2

Why to watch: None. Dude, the Texas – OU game is on.

Who will win: Kansas 24 - Colorado 10

Baylor vs. Iowa State 6:00 PM on FCS

Why not to watch: Two subpar teams fight it out on a network that I can never seem to find. I think Baylor sucks less than Iowa State. Fitting, since they are the Cyclones, which I guess technically blow. I have no idea what I am saying anymore.

Who will win: Baylor 35 - Iowa State 14

Kansas State at Texas A&M

Why not to care: Two teams that battled each other for the Big XII Championship in 1998, now wage war on the radio in a game that will be ultimately meaningless in the grand scheme of things. I pick A&M to win only because it is in College Station.

Who will win: Texas A&M 28 - Kansas State 24

In Conclusion

Well, that's it folks, and it is only 11:30, one of the earliest I have ever finished, and that includes spending the evening with my father-in-law over trying to fix the dishwasher. Next week will be the A&M – Tech game, and I have tickets for that one, so if you know of any good tailgate hangouts, let me know. Unfortunately, the game is at 11:00, which kind of puts a damper on things. As always, I love your emails and appreciate your comments (good or bad) at psychoag98@yahoo.com  .  If you want to discuss this column with people that aren't me, you can do so on the Raiderpower forums here


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