Weakly Retort

PsychoAg joins us again for another edition of the Weakly Retort. A fan favorite since 2005, the Retort takes a light-hearted look at the college football landscape, with a specific emphasis on the Big 12.


Well it is almost that time again, when the mass majority of my readers get to delight in my pain. That's right, it's A&M – Tech weekend and it is a family tradition of ours to always attend this game. My mom, dad, aunt, uncle, and one of my brothers went to Tech. Me, my wife, my other brother and my Tech brother's wife (try and keep up) all went to A&M. So each year, we travel to Lubbock or College Station, eat some burgers, drink a few birrahs, enjoy the fellowship and then parade into the game, arm in arm as loving family.

However, much like heading with my wife to see the latest romantic comedy, only to have it be more romantic than comedy, I know that half of us are going to leave disappointed, and it is going to be my half. Except that sitting for two hours watching women weep over some guy with washboard abs that lost his former wife in a grain-thresher and now writes heartfelt poetry with his tears while wearing her lymph nodes in a locket around his neck is preferable to standing in the sun for 4 hours watching my alma mater look like a peewee team while the numbers on the scoreboard change so fast I get motion sickness.

One of these years, we are going to actually win again and I will be the one whistling my fight song on the way home instead of crying into my sweat-soaked 12th Man Towel and praying that Brad Johnson can somehow beat the Rams and salvage my weekend.

But not this year. There is no way that this A&M team can beat Tech this year. We are terrible. I am so confident we are going to lose that I almost made a bunch of random assertions like "If we win then I will vote for Obama" or "If we win, then I will vote for McCain" or "If we win then I will eat shrimp dipped in lye"or even "If we win then I will get my anus pierced with a Jonas Brothers medallion". I have no intention of doing any of those things, and I am confident that I wouldn't have to anyway. So for those of you on the Tech message boards pretending to be worried just to try and lure A&M fans to engage in some half-hearted smack, I see what you did there.

20/20 Hindsight

Madlib: 1. Verb ending in "ing". 2. Plural noun. 3. Location on a college campus. 4. Time period in history.

Texas 45 - Oklahoma 35

My prediction: Oklahoma 38 - Texas 34

I heard this was a pretty good game. I didn't watch it, because I was at my daughter's dance class watching 3-year-olds do ballet. Sadly, even at three, she is a better dancer than her father. This one was a classic duel of gunslingers as Colt McCoy stared down Sam Bradford and then mistakenly accused him of only half participating as one eye mysteriously drifted over toward the water coolers. Even though Bradford accounted for all five touchdowns in the air, it was Colt that left the Cotton Bowl with a win and a fried Snickers Bar. The Longhonrns gave Mack Brown something to incessantly clap about as they now have the inside track to the Big XII Championship and possibly the National Championship. That is, if they can get by the Aggies this year. I'm just kidding.

Kansas 30 - Colorado 14

My prediction: Kansas 24 - Colorado 10

Colorado struggles early as Cody Hawkins puts up numbers that only the Colorado baseball coach could love, going 8 for 22, prompting the coach to sit his butt on the sideline. How bad were things? First of all, Colorado doesn't have a baseball team, and second, the coach is his very own dad, Dan Hawkins. Man, you think that dinner table scene was a bit tense? I mean it is one thing to pull your son out of a burning station wagon, but it is another to pull them out of a college football game. That is always uncomfortable when you have to coach your kid, which is okay with me, because I have no desire to be a ballet instructor.

Oklahoma State 28 - Missouri 23

My prediction: Missouri 41 - Oklahoma State 28

Heisman candidate Chase Daniel put up more hefty numbers this week, going 39 of 52 for 390 yards, but much like in the case of his infamous youtube video showing him harvesting snot boulders, once again it was the picks that got him in trouble. The Cowboys continue to fuel their coach's feelings of masculinity, as the 40-year old MAN can now lay claim to a 6-0 record, a win over a #3 ranked opponent, a #8 ranking in the AP poll, and an erection lasting more than four hours.

Texas Tech 37 - Nebraska

My prediction: Texas Tech 59 - Nebraska 21

Man, I didn't see this one coming. The Tech offense struggled as Nebraska kept them out of rhythm by holding onto the ball for long stretches and taking the air out of it. This may explain why kicker Donnie Carona had so much trouble kicking it through the uprights. I'm still trying to figure out who has the bigger balls, Mike Leach, Graham Harrell or Kellen Winslow.  Late in the game, on 4th and five from his own 36 yard line and a tie game with just over four minutes left, Mike Leach sends the offense out on the field. After the defense jumped offsides, Harrell took the snap and went deep to Crabtree to set up the go ahead score. The game eventually ended in overtime as Nebraska quarterback Joe Ganz inexplicably floated the ball right into the hands of a Tech defender.

Baylor 38 - Iowa State 10

My prediction: Baylor 35 - Iowa State 14

The Bears finally end their 12-game Big XII winning drought by jumping all over the Cyclones early. Freshman quarterback Robert Griffin was ridiculously efficient completing 21 of 24 passes for 278 yards and two touchdowns, even though they only converted 3 of 11 third downs. Baylor fans celebrated by [verb ending in "ing"] their [plural noun] right out in the middle of [location on a college campus]. The kind of celebration that Waco hasn't seen since [time period].

Kansas State 44 - Texas A&M 30

My prediction: Texas A&M 28 - Kansas State 24

How bad is A&M's defensive line? Quarterback Josh Freeman ran for four touchdowns and wasn't even touched on any of them. Meanwhile, Aggie backup quarterback Jerrod Johnson sets a school record with 419 passing yards, but the team only manages 30 points. My neighbor is more efficient than that, and he mows his yard with a scythe. Meanwhile, Jorvorskie Lane finished with 3 carries for 2 yards and a record setting touchdown as he continues to be more misused than a hammer on your taint. Nonetheless, I knew the catastrophic moment had occurred on 4th and goal from the one with the Aggies trying to pull within one score as I hit refresh on my Blackberry (because the game wasn't on TV, again, and the radio reception sucks) and saw "Lane carries for 0 yards. Turnover on downs." This team will not win another game.

My 98 Cents Worth:

I hate the spread offense. Yes, I realize the timing is a bit coincidental because my team is going to be shredded by it this weekend, but I just can't bring myself to accept it. I like tradition and fundamentals. I like things the way they used to be. I like my Coca Colas classic, my engines carbureted, and my Lohans red, curvy and heterosexual. I feel like I am watching a flag football game when everyone just spreads all over the field and runs around waving their hands. Or worse yet, I feel like I am watching the NBA all-star game as teams pile up ridiculous points while defenses just look like bull-fighters letting people run right past them.

The problem is that instead of the spread dying out, it is picking up steam. Now a good portion of college teams run it and most high school teams seem to run it. When did we stop teaching kids how to play real football? Why do you think you don't see any spread offenses in the NFL? What happened to blitzes, smashing runs up the middle and actual strategy?

Yes, I may be a bit of a fuddy duddy. I can't tell you because I don't know what that means. And maybe if I grew up decades ago, I would bemoan the forward pass in favor of the wishbone and goal line sets on the 50-yard line. Maybe I am just behind the times. But I always thought passing plays were more exciting when you didn't run 55 of them a game. I thought touchdowns were more meaningful when you weren't scoring like an arena football team. They say defense wins championships and I am going to hold to that until someone proves me wrong. I'm not asking for two tight-end sets with three guys in the backfield, but would it hurt to pull a guard every now and then?

So, I am begging you, Mike Leach, from one football fan to another. Please put down the pirate sword and pick up a leather helmet. And if you could do it before this weekend, ooh that would be even better.

Looking Ahead

The best game (on TV) is going to be listed first. Games not on TV are going to be at the end.

Missouri (11) at Texas (1) 7:00 PM on ABC

Why to watch: Definitely the highest profile game in the Big XII. Sure Missouri took one on the chin, but they may be one of the last hopes to beat Texas. The Tigers offense looks to Chase Daniel, and the Longhorns defense looks to chase Daniel. See what I did there?

Who will win: Texas 45 - Missouri 38

Kansas (16) at Oklahoma (4) 2:30 PM on ABC

Why to watch: The only other game matching ranked teams. Can the Sooners snap out of the post Cotton Bowl funk and overpower Mangino's "I can't quite reach that spot with the washcloth" funk?

Who will win: Oklahoma 39 - Kansas 22

Texas Tech (7) at Texas A&M 11:00 AM on FSN

Why to watch: I would say that this one is always a good game, but that is only true if you are a Tech fan. Actually, the games in College Station have been pretty good contests. This will not be one of those. The game will be over before the Nebraska / Iowa State game starts.

Who will win: Since I seem to have an opposite effect when picking Tech games, I am going to try and help my side out and say Texas Tech 63 – Texas A&M 12.

Nebraska at Iowa State 11:30 PM on Versus

Why to watch: The Tech – A&M game is out of hand and you don't want to expose your family to a guy in a khaki shirt squeezing his nut until it bursts. Plus, although both teams are struggling, the Cornhuskers put up a pretty good fight in Lubbock.

Who will win: Nebraska 24 – Iowa State 3

Kansas State at Colorado 6:00 PM on FSN-RM (unlikely you have it)

Why to Watch: I guess you live in the Rocky Mountains.

Why to Care: Kansas State has a pretty good quarterback and Colorado has pretty good skiing. Only one of which will lead to a win.

Who will win: Kansas State 49 – Colorado 6

Baylor at Oklahoma State (8) 2:00 PM

Why to care: None. I figured I would wait until all the way down here to mention my former former boss so that he would have to actually read the whole thing.

Who will win: Oklahoma State 55 – Baylor 38

In Conclusion

Even though it will be a blood letting, I am still looking forward to going to the game, hanging out with some of you, and taking in the college football atmosphere. I used to have season tickets and went to all the games, but now that I have two kiddos, I usually get one maybe two games a year. That makes the games more fun, because I feel less beaten down by the drive and want to see how things have changed on campus since my last trip. If any of you are tailgating, shoot me an email at psychoag98@yahoo.com  and let me know where. I have my Blackberry set up to get emails now, so if you want to shoot me comments during the game, I can respond realtime. Be gentle.

On another note, I feel a bit odd doing this, but an emailer recommended it a few weeks ago and I thought I would give it a try. I write this and make stupid youtube videos because I enjoy it. I don't get paid for any of it and don't expect to. But if any of you would like to make a donation, I have a Paypal account set up. This is guilt free. I am not passing the offering plate, I am just putting it out there for those of you that have expressed interest. I am not a televangelist, so I am not going to stop writing if I don't get a certain amount or any other stunt like that. If it goes completely unused, I will still have a column up next week with my full effort behind it (unless I get antibiotic resistant staph infection or something, in which case, don't call me a liar…). I also promise that anything you donate will go toward video equipment, an HD camera, editing software, a ball gag and a machine mask, anything that I can use toward returning something to you. And it seems like I have been lax on my "RANDOM SHOUT OUTS", so if you donate I will give you one next week. Just email me and tell me what name to use.

As always, I love your emails and appreciate your comments (good or bad) at psychoag98@yahoo.com. I finally have a consistent internet connection at the house (there was a DSL problem, so they gave me a cable modem instead) so I will finally get back to those of you that have been emailing me. If you want to discuss this column with people that aren't me, you can do so on the Raiderpower forums here


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