Weakly Retort

PsychoAg joins us again for another edition of the Weakly Retort. A fan favorite since 2005, the Retort takes a light-hearted look at the college football landscape, with a specific emphasis on the Big 12.


Ugh. What a painful weekend, and I'm not just talking about the hellacious half-face sunburn. I came home looking like some sort of embarrassed Phantom of the Opera. In addition to the pain of losing, again, to Tech, I also realized why I enjoy going to games in Lubbock far more than College Station. See, I used to get season tickets and go to all of the home games, but with two little girls at home, I basically get to pick one game a year and since I have family from Tech, we always make it a point to go to the A&M – Tech game. Now, as far as the game itself, I vastly prefer the Kyle Field experience. It is our home crowd, and being back on campus always gives me goosebumps. Plus, we seem to lose by far less at home.

However, it is all of the surrounding stuff that taints the experience. When we go to Lubbock, I stay with family and make a weekend of the thing. My grandmother and my aunt and uncle live in Lubbock, so we usually drive down on Friday, visit with family, wake up and drive around town and then tailgate until game time. After the game, we tailgate some more, maybe go out to a nice dinner and then crash before the Sunday drive home. Sure it is a long drive (about 4.5 hours from Ft. Worth), but it is all spread out and turns out to be a pretty nice weekend.

However, when we go to College Station, it is next to impossible to get a hotel, and certainly not at a reasonable price, which usually ends up making it a day trip. So last weekend, since we had a dreaded 11:00 kickoff, I got up at 5:00 AM and pulled out of the driveway at about 5:45. The rest of the group was coming from Dallas, so it was a boring 3 hour solo drive fueled by Starbucks and podcasts from Lew Rockwell about Austrian Economics. Seriously, I am a giant dork. I roll into town about 45 minutes before game time and fight the crowd to the stadium. Then, I bake in the sun for 3+ hours and watch my team lead at halftime before going down in flames.

After that, I fight the crowds back to the car and then fight traffic to get to a restaurant where I fight the crowds again as it takes about a half hour to order and get my food. Then I get back in the car and make the three hour drive back to Fort Worth, where I roll in about 8:30 PM and kiss my saintly wife who has been managing two little princesses all day, before I take a much-needed shower and collapse into bed. No tailgating. No sightseeing. No wandering around checking out how much the town has changed. This is not the way to experience college football.

In two years, when we play again at Kyle, I am getting a hotel. The only problem is that you don't know what night to get it for. With the way that the NCAA waits until the last minute to announce the game time, you don't know if you need it on Friday night for an 11:00 kickoff or Saturday night after a 6:00 kickoff. Oh, and eff the BCS.

20/20 Hindsight

Madlib: 1. Noun. 2. Verb. 3. Something bigger than a breadbox. 4. Name of that QB from OU that took the free car from the booster.

Texas 56 - Missouri 31

My prediction: Texas 45 - Missouri 38

After last week's game against the Sooners, the Longhorns apparently went out and buried the game ball in a secret location. After that, they sacrificed a Snickers bar to Vince Young and sang Kum-ba-yah around a campfire wearing only burnt orange adult diapers. But you know what? It's working. This Texas team is solid. After besting Oklahoma last week, they came out and destroyed Missouri this week. And as much as I can't stand a quarterback that looks like a Furby, Colt is the real deal folks. 29 of 32 for 337 yards and two TDs (and two more rushing)? Most QBs don't have that good of a completion percentage during warmups.

Nebraska 35 - Iowa State 7

My prediction: Nebraska 24 - Iowa State 3

The Cornhuskers finally picked up their first Big XII win, leaving the Cyclones still searching for theirs. Fortunately, the Aggies come calling to Ames next week. The once mighty Nebraskans are learning that in this day and age it is really tough to recruit top talent when the biggest selling point is all the <1. Noun> you can <2. Verb> and ladies built like <3. Something bigger than a breadbox>. I don't even know if they eat all that much corn in Nebraska, but they should. However, they should lay off of the hot, buttered, movie popcorn because the Huskers fumbled the ball away three times. I have no more corn-related jokes unless I delve into the realm of nasty feet or odd-looking stools, so I am going to cut my losses and go on to the next game. Nah, wait.

Oklahoma 45 - Kansas 31

My prediction: Oklahoma 39 - Kansas 22

The Big XII continues to put up gaudy offensive numbers as Sam Bradford throws for a school record 468 yards and tosses in three touchdowns to go with them. Of course, the slacker only completed 36 of 53. Want some more sick numbers? The Sooners are 58 – 2 at home under Bob Stoops and have won 22 in a row since the debacle against TCU. Man, I bet they really miss that one guy that took the free car from the booster and then faded into football obscurity. What's his name? Oh yeah, <4. Name of QB who took the free car from the booster>, that's it. I'm not going to take the time to look up his name, so I made you do it. I didn't even bother to research their home record under Stoops that I mentioned earlier. I just saw it on ESPN and typed it. That's pretty much how I do these things. I didn't even watch this game. In fact, I didn't know the score until 15 minutes ago. I still don't know who Colorado even played or what the score was. Stay tuned!

Texas Tech 43 - Texas A&M 25

My prediction: Texas Tech 63 - Texas A&M 12

I guess I got $40 worth of my $80 ticket as A&M showed up for at least a little while and made it an interesting half of a game. The Aggies offense was in sync for the first half piling up 274 yards and actually led at halftime 23 – 20, leaving the Raiders trailing at the half for the first time this season. Aggies like to say that we never lose, we just run out of time. Well, this time we can say that we didn't lose, we just had to play the second @#$#ing half. In the latter 30 minutes, the Aggie offense managed just 32 yards, and the team scored only 2 points, which came on a blocked extra point. I don't know why A&M is such a terrible second half team this season, but it seems that a blind chiropractor could make better adjustments than Sherman's coaching staff. Nevertheless, the Red Raider offense took over in the second half propelling them to their 7th win of the season, making them one of four Big XII South teams to already be bowl eligible.

Colorado 14 - Kansas State 13

My prediction: Kansas State 49 - Colorado 6

Whoa. I didn't see this one coming. Did I type that correctly? It just doesn't seem right. You know, kind of like when someone (wife) leaves the sherbet out and it gets all melty and then they try and put it back in the freezer to let it refreeze but when you scoop it out, it just doesn't seem like sherbet? I mean sure the rainbow flavors are kind of mixed together, but it is kind of icy and crunchy, which is so not what sherbet should be. I can only hope that this game was more exciting than my stupid sherbet story.

Oklahoma State 34 - Baylor 6

My prediction: Oklahoma State 55 - Baylor 38

The Cowboys continue their record run by shutting down the much ballyhooed (stupid word) Baylor offense in front of 50,080 fans, which, according to someone on ESPN.com who actually does research, gave them their third straight game with over 50,000 for the first time in school history. "Aww, isn't that cute" said the Longhorns who had over 98,000 at their game on Saturday. Coach Gundy was crowing about his team, and about how much of a man he was, prompting Mack Brown to say "Oh, c'mon. I'd put my manhood up against his any day."

My 98 Cents Worth:

This week we are going to discuss sportsmanship. Actually, I suppose I am going to discuss it and you are going to read it, but you are welcome to chime in via email. A lot of talk this week centered around Mike Leach's decision to call time out at the end of the game and then go for an unnecessary touchdown with just seconds left to go. At the time, I thought it was sorriness on his part, and watching Graham Harrell prance around imitating the yell leaders just added insult to injury. I felt he should have done what most coaches would do and take the knee and let time expire.

But the more I thought about it, the more I understood it, and the less it bothered me. In this age of BCS nonsense, everything is based on the polls. That means that both humans and computers are going to consider the margin of victory, and 43 – 25 looks a lot more impressive than 36 – 25 when you are making a push for keeping a top 10 ranking. If Mike Sherman didn't want Tech to run up the score, then he shouldn't have quit on his team. He did that when he punted on 4th and 15 (difficult to convert, admittedly) with 5 minutes left and Tech up by 11. Essentially, he was either saying that he thought his defense could stop Tech the Tech offense TWICE and convert both A&M drives for touchdowns, or that he had given up on the game. And Mike Leach, the angry pirate, is one to go for the jugular when he senses weakness. And go for the juggler when he senses circus.

Now just because I understand why he did it, doesn't mean I like it and doesn't mean it is what I would do as a coach. But still, if you don't want someone to score, then stop them. Simple as that. Well, maybe not when it is the Tech offense.

Looking Ahead

Games listed in order of watchiness: (1)Texas at (6) Oklahoma State 2:30 PM on ABC

Why to watch: Texas continues to run the Big XII South gauntlet, facing off against the surprising Cowboys. The Longhorns have shown that they are for real, it is time to see if Okie Lite can become Okie Genuine Draft.

Why not to watch: That's a hell of a lot of orange. Who will win: Texas 42 - Oklahoma State 28

(8)Texas Tech at (23)Kansas 11:00 AM on ESPN

Why to watch: You get a chance to see a coach that looks like Vince Gill face off against a coach that looks like

Texas Tech
Violet Beauregarde.
Why not to watch:If you are hungover, all of that moving back and forth rapidly down the field might make you yack.

Who will win: (this is for you, Tech fans)Kansas 41 - Texas Tech 14

(4)Oklahoma at Kansas State 11:30 AM on FSN

Why to watch: You like offense.

Why not to watch: You like silf chiffon curtains.

Who will win: Oklahoma 46 - Kansas State 17

Colorado at (15)Missouri 5:30 PM on FSN

Why to watch: The Tigers look to get on track after back to back losses and regain the top of the North standings.

Why not to watch: My work is having a Halloween carnival and I am emceeing the costume contest at that time.

Who will win: Missouri 38 - Colorado 7.

Baylor at Nebraska 11:30 AM on Versus

Why not to watch: Psst. There is a much better game over on FSN.

Who will win: Baylor 34 - Nebraska 7.

Texas A&M at Iowa State 6:00 PM on FCS

Why not to watch: The worst teams in the Big XII battle it out for the crown of suckiness.

Who will win: Texas A&M 28 - Iowa State 17

In Conclusion

Well, hopefully my team can actually win another game this season. Karma really sucks. I'm a diehard football fan and I have to suffer through my team sucking, while my former former boss doesn't care one whit about football and his team (Okie State) is having one of their best years ever.

I had a few emailers last week tell me that I didn't put a link to the actual paypal account for those that wanted to donate to The Weakly Retort. Well, there was a link, but it was kind of obscure. Plus it was confusing because it went to a paypal account with my wife's ID, so it didn't have "Psychoag98" on it. Below is a link that you can use if you are so inclined.


As always, I love your emails and appreciate your comments (good or bad) at psychoag98@yahoo.com. If you want to discuss this column with people that aren't me, you can do so on the Raiderpower forums here


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